56. Reaching the edge of my understanding, and jumping off anyways.

So I have missed a couple of days of blogging due to a “thanksgiving” dinner that I planned and cooked. What I have seen and learned about myself is a few things that I realize are not really that cool to admit. One of them being that I am actually not as “far” as I “thought” I was in my process. Another being that how easy it is to fall back into a previous pattern of behaviors and thoughts.

I have held small dinners for family and friends here and there over the years and many points come through in my approach to them. I tend to go over the top with what I cook and spend to hold them, wherein I do not take into account my own financial situation or capabilities. And within that I notice that I do not make this information known to anyone who comes, people just show up and I would like to have a good time and be a entertaining host so I never want to “bother” anyone with those details of what it takes to bring it all together. I can see where I shortchange myself in that aspect, looking to provide a experience for others so I can have a experience.

But more prominently and the point of this post would be that I noticed a few days before I had the dinner I was feeling quite nervous about the group of people who where coming because it was quite a mixture of people which have held many different systems of belief within their experiences for a long time. I was nervous at the prospect of having all these people in the same place and what the outcome would be. I see now that I had this belief of my own that I could handle it and that I would be able to proficiently be capable to express myself from a place of a expression of myself and not from a point of self interest. Well I have to admit that while I did make it through the dinner in relative stability, I did notice many points within the gathering where the conversation became extremely volatile, many beings were only attempting to have themselves heard and talking over each other to voice their opinions, myself being guilty of this on a few occasions I noticed that when the “vibrations” within the discussion became very emotional my response was to be emotional as well. Although I see that I have definitely made progress in recognize points where I just need to stop myself and breathe through the desire for everyone to just “get it”. It became very overwhelming with so many points being brought up back to back and no actual resolution within any of them. Where one topic would be brought up and then someone would link that topic to another one and the bigger picture did not ever get looked at. I did attempt a few times to just bring it back to the basic level of existence and what that would imply in how we as humanity would conduct ourselves in a daily manner, yet the experience that I encountered was that even if I would postulate a concept within equality and oneness it was almost immediately lost within a hail of diverging voices and opinions. I was lost within that, unable to know how to proceed, looking left, looking right, not knowing exactly when my voice would/could be effective, much doubt if I should be saying/opening up at all came forth a few times. I would stop myself in breathe attempting to bring myself back, went out on the balcony for a few minutes. But it was a point of mayhem that my mind definitely was having a field day with. I ended the night with some points of regret in realizing that I did base a particular example within the context of another’s beings experience, and while what I said was without implication of any sort on the other being as a definition of them, the fact that I used their experience as a example resulted in the being becoming angry with my words and storming out. So I see clearly the consequence that arises when I desire to “teach” another by exemplify another’s experience that I did not directly partake in, where I have held those patterns in the past with similar results. And the importance of ALWAYS bringing the main point of example back onto a place of self, in which I and my own experience will be the example of my own expression and criticism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to provide a experience for other being in which I am within a starting point belief that I can someway influence them and that I am actually a point of a teacher in some way instead of realizing that the focus should be within myself to become stable within myself as breathe in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself from within that starting point of being a being who has some answers to many of the points of conflict and confusion that others hold within there experiences and do not realize that this is a process for everyone and that by me pulling this group of others around is a attempt on my part to “jump-start” the people within my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that because of the past experiences that I have held with these other being to allow myself to become nervous within the experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to doubt myself as a point of feeling like I failed over the course of the night, not seeing that I am really constantly failing but that I am actually having slightly more success within remaining stable and holding myself within a actual expression of life, and allowing myself to judge myself from a future projection of wanting to be perfect, not seeing that that judgement is from a place of impatience with the current moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use another beings experiences as a example within how the mind works and acts to create resistance to certain paths/choices/experiences. And not seeing how in doing that I am indirectly allowing a opportunity to arise in which another being could take offence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a point of guilt within myself from the trigger point of when I spoke this example the other being seemed to feel as if I was implying that they where a certain way or of a certain definition, when I was actually making a general definition for all beings. And not seeing how that old pattern of behavior within myself was still present to outsource my placement of expression into other beings experiences.

I commit myself to learn from that experience instead of feeling guilt about it to simply learn that whenever I am not the prime example within my expression of concepts then most frequently there with arise tension and friction between the beings involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slowing myself down to the point of just breathing consistently and realizing that at a certain level none of what was being said really has any sort of impact within the current world system it really is only banter and by wanting to join the fray I am only compromising myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my expression may make a difference in some way within this gathering, and not seeing that by placing that belief desire within myself it actually shows through my expression by way of some level of desperation.

I commit myself to stop this point of nervousness within my experiences with groups as a point of realizing that I am actually just coming from a fear of what to say within the group, or how to say something that has a profound effect rather then just being there and breathing and when and as I see myself in front of a point of expression that stands within the context of equality and oneness to speak and express and not back away from it.

I commit myself to recognize the difference within the point of desiring change and living change within how and what I choose to do and say as my expression. Realizing that I do not have to partake in any discussion at all if I so see that it may be causing unnecessary conflicts between the being within the discussion.

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