58. Revisiting the visit. Part one.

So I would like to attempt to get a little more in depth within my my self forgiveness from the dinner I had the other night.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan and hold this event from within a starting point of wanting to place myself into a position of being a teacher of sorts of the Desteni message when I should realize that this is most effectively done when I do not hold any ulterior motive within myself at the get go and actually am only focused on breaking myself down to a placement of expression of equality and oneness within myself and that others may only really see/learn from me as a point of example.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold this as a primary reason for calling all these people together at one time knowing that the conversation would most likely move into a place of opinions, based within my mind created judgments of past experiences with these people in the past, where I would have many conversations on a individual level with all of the people that came in which I accepted and allowed myself to argue on the points of their beliefs about religion, philosophical viewpoints about the mind, politics and emotions, and did not realize at the time that I was in fact doing the same thing in reverse in which I was only attempting to push on them my own versions of philosophy.

And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look forward to the battle of opinions that I had placed within my mind to take happen as a point of opportunity for myself to for one see where I actually stood and what I could handle within where I am at within my process and secondly on a subconscious level just want to be that teacher role to fulfill this sense of purpose within my life at this moment. Not realizing that I separated myself from myself in doing this in taking the focus away from myself and placing this importance within having others be what I am experiencing or see what I am seeing, rather then actually being in the moment in my breath in enjoyment of that without pushing this message as a point of ego or within the motivation of a personal test where that is the goal rather then being observant of myself in all moments, creating a test rather then seeing all moments as that point of self awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be this teacher personality from the perspective that the group of people that showed up where people like my family, my sisters, mother, brother, some friends, ex girlfriends and boyfriends of, and from within that I have had experiences in which I would fight and argue with them about beliefs, where we are in life, who is responsible for this, what is actually happening, about values on emotions and feelings, for a very long time and in such I have this underlying systems to continue wanting to change them because I am holding the past with a point of comparison of the now within myself, in which I am actually placing a point of separation outside of the present breath. Not seeing how this has a actually become somewhat of a point of addiction within me to seek out opportunities to rock the boat so to speak within those closest to me and use it as a point of apparently making myself a leader when really in fact I am only looking to make myself feel better. And within that not coming to that realization that this rarely works in any lasting way and actually backfires most the time in which it blows up with myself and others becoming angry or emotionally invested within rebuttals.

And from there I commit myself to stop that system of wanting to change the present relationships I have with my family and friends based on the relationships and experiences of fighting and friction in the past, and realizing that the way to be self supportive is to keep the focus and awareness on myself and in realizing that within this whole process the structure is based out of equality and oneness of ALL life not just with this small grouping of those I deem “closest” to me. Thus taking the self induced delusional importance of having these particular people around me to “get it now”, and thus bring it back to myself and where I am at, where I need to see what my contributions of separation are, for myself.

I commit myself to realize that sharing with others is self supportive, yet only from the perspective of where and how I have supported myself within walking this process for myself why it is important to me, and the reasons for my change in what could be described within how I can see that the world current requires change to bring about a reality that is ideal and best for all.

I commit myself to realize that directing myself is the most effective way to bring about change within the world as with a stable foundation of myself I can live with the integrity of know that my actions and words will stand within the context and expression of equality and oneness and not fall under pressure from others and most importantly from myself.

I will continue more on this tomorrow.

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