59. Revisiting the visit. Part two.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could in fact influence the group within a experience of profound proportions and within that did not see or realize that the desire for that experience was actually the starting point for a experience of separation between the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this was playing out and within that did not stop myself effectively and actually continued to approach the situation within and as a point of comparison with the other beings present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself and place myself within a somewhat point of leadership based within my own mind constructs of understanding within knowledge and information with how the world works. And not actually seeing or caring about the reality of the message of equality and oneness only the point of superiority that it could bring me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself into a conversation between my two sisters. In such seeing that one was attempting to validate a point to the other based within her understanding of the Desteni message thus far. And instead of stopping myself I join into where I stood within my current understanding thus far without regard to the consequences on my youngest sister.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my view on the matter had more value then what my youngest sister was expressing about her experience within the social work scene. Not realizing that my word would hold particular points of resistance and conflict when based within a starting point of wanting to see her realize a larger perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internally react to points within how I was view my sisters explanation of her experiences in which I was actually placing a point of desire to resolve this issue within myself and not recognizing that this was about me and not her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge her hand gestures as being stubborn and unmoving within her expression which brought up a feeling of frustration towards my sisters apparent lack of flexibility and not understanding how my pushing of my words in frustration where actually building on this dissonance within that conversation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a judgement of weakness, when she told me that she could only handle two weeks working at this women’s transitional home because of what she saw and how the system dealt with the issues. And not actually seeing that within that there was no actual care within my view of how she expressed her experience only a point of desiring to pass forth a greater information. And not actually seeing within myself that fear of weakness within myself as a manifestation of fear for her and this desire to change her perspective was actually based within fear of the world systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say to her that “I have seen bad stuff as well but to equalize oneself with self and come to terms with ones own emotions and feeling we could achieve so much more and you could have lasted more then two weeks” as a example of how without reacting to a situation it would be beneficial for us as a whole within society. And did not stop myself to realize that within that statement I was placing a point of blame on her and highlighting a potential weakness that she may have been experiencing by using her experience as the point of focus, not bringing the statement back into a place of self where I was the point of example within my expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this desire to fix the problem to blind me to seeing how this actually works on such a specific level, in which the movement of one sentence in separation actually can cause someone to react so forcibly as to storm out in anger.

So when and as I see myself trying to push words upon others from within and as a point of looking to change them I stop and breathe, realizing that this desire to change others is actually only a representation of a fear within myself in which I am actually giving in to by saying to myself I am not so sure about myself that I need others to see what I see. And commit myself to understand how backwards that is because within that I actually am not seeing anything at all only perpetuating fear.

I commit myself to only speak my expression when it is pertinent to the conversation and within a starting point of being clear of and motives to change others, recognizing the familiar emotional signature of this point within myself and stopping myself in those moments and breathing until it is clear and then proceed from there within expression or not.

I commit myself to stop placing the importance of family and friend ties to my own movement within the process with myself in gauging my success and to actually trust myself to walk this for myself as myself in recognition of what that actually imply for my experience with the world, which is for each and every person to have the opportunity to live a decent life, a decent existence and that require a new system to be put into place by people who have walked and understood the message of equality and oneness as a integral foundation of themselves as themselves for themselves.

And so one more time I commit myself to realize that this process is for me to walk for myself and that I cannot rely on anyone to do it for me or fulfill any kind of point for me, I need to walk it one step at a time, bringing myself back into the breathe and out of the mind living moment to moment in equality with it. I commit myself to understand that this will not be easy but it will also not be hard it is only a choice of what and how I move myself within my experience.

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