60. Revisiting the visit. Part three.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain a point of smugness within myself and allowing myself to feel as if I had done nothing wrong after my sister stormed off, and did not see how I was just using that feeling to validate myself in terms of what I was attempting to put across.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue on within the rest of the gathering as if and from a point of superiority in which I was under the delusion that it was my sister that was at fault for feeling the way she did or that she took what I had said personally and not realizing that what I had said was in fact a personal indictment of her, by me not bring the point of example back unto myself and pacing her experience in the spotlight instead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if my mom was wrong in defending her in saying that we should take it easy on her and not seeing how within my process of learning about myself and my expression I was on the far side of the line in which expression becomes self gratification.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was just expressing myself without actually looking closer at what I was actually intending within the interaction, wherein I was actually using the excuse of not wanting to censor myself as a point of actually justifying not being self honest and not wanting to look at myself close enough to see that I was actually really only looking to make myself feel better about myself and did not care about the other being as equal and one with myself, really only expressing self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated and frustrated with myself after for apparently not being certain within my expression when in fact I can see that this irritation was a clear indication that I was not expressing myself within the context of equality and oneness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude and attempt to hide from the truth of the matter which is that I was acting only within a sense of furthering my own self image and teacher personality with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistently maintain this image of myself as one who is calm and assertive with all the answers when really I see that I am just looking to make up for the timidness and uncertainty that is existing and prevalent with myself. Where I am looking to continuously gain a point of conquering the situations and interactions with others around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that this whole process will take time and much effort to move within the human race. I commit myself to realize that it will not be a event that will happen overnight or over one singular dinner, but rather as a understanding that it will make itself apparent to others in its own way and time if I take the responsibility to bring this process always back to myself and become a point of living proof that change is possible if I apply myself and if I am is so inclined to look at myself with self honesty.

So when and as I see myself looking to hide from myself in fear of what I really am scared of which is actually standing up within myself and acknowledging where I am just looking to have myself validated and actually not addressing that fear by stopping in that moment and asking myself if this desire to say something is actually a point of expression or just a point of self interest, to check the point of what I would like to express and apply it to with the equality equation of “is this best for all” and if I find that it is not I commit myself to breathe until the mind stops and in that moment apply self forgiveness.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s