61. Meeting someone and jumping right in.

I recently went out on a date and everything went great we got along well and I enjoyed the evening. What I noticed though is the familiar tendency of mine to immediately want to make a connection with this girl. And she with me. To the point where I allowed things to move quite fast without really placing myself in a position of what I know to be acceptable within my understanding of agreement and relationship at this time. And while I did make it apparent of my intentions and direction in life at this time still fell on a point of desire and longing. And although I see this point for the first time in my experience with intimacy with another I can recognize where I still remain in a want to disregard patience and throw caution to the wind. But I see were that to do that would be compromising everything that I have done so far within my process and that this is really a point of fear of loss. Of wanting to reach out and latch on to another being because I am still afraid of being alone. I see how part of me really wants to be with this person in a dependent and entangled way, but I am also recognizing a sense of peace and calmness within my approach to this particular being in not wanting it to just be another time loop repeat of everything that I have experienced thus far, of not wanting to control the outcomes and to keep the focus on my process and rebirth. I would like to continue with my journey in becoming stable and recognize that I cannot compromise the time that must go into myself no matter if the other being is reaching out to pull me to them and for any relationship to be stable the beings within it must be stable and in this particular instance I must be the stability point and example. Not pushing the other being in joining me in this but only acting and expressing from a point of example of equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold continuous thoughts about the other being in which I would long to be with her, and fantasize about being with her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my own self honesty to a point of fearing making mistakes within my approach to this relationship and so fall on a point of wanting to reach out and pull her closer to me in fear of losing this opportunity, because I fear being alone and fear that without another I will not be happy. And not seeing how this is a point of self sabotage in which that fear will manifest itself through dependencies within the interactions.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have confidence within myself in being in the present moment and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will fall based on past experiences with relationships and for not realizing that this is a choice in what I would really like to do and how to spend my focus.

I commit myself to see that within relationships that it is still just a point of breathe that is the defining factor in which indicate whether I am being present or in the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let things move beyond what is practical and into what is desired from within feelings and emotions. Where for one there is a point of wanting to satisfy the other being and acting on a point of fear of not wanting to let the other being down in not seeming like I am attracted to her and the other point of wanting to have my own desires met and not considering what it means to actually express as physical intimacy within and as breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to fulfill another beings requirements as a point of self definition and not recognizing that just working myself through this process is the point of self integrity that will ultimately show where my actions are within equality and oneness or within separation and self interest and this will make itself apparent through my choices and through the results of my actions within the interaction with other person.

I commit myself to see that acting in any way that is compromising myself for the other being such as giving up time that is allotted towards working with myself or with my daily requirements as to make the other being feel good and feel desired is from within a point of desiring to control the outcome at the expense of myself, and am not being self honest of self directive.

When and as I see myself placing myself in a point of wanting to just compromise myself in terms of not putting limits on how much time that I practically can spend with the other being, I stop and breathe. And realize that to actually have real intimacy with the other being and not just a point of preprogrammed relationship the requirement is for me to find and exercise self integrity in being totally self honest. To understand where I am acting within a point of just wanting to be in emotions and feelings, stopping myself without judging or feeling like I need to play a character for the other being breathing through those moments and just standing as myself as breathe as life.


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