So within my current situation I am experiencing a point of crossroads within myself I would like to open up upon, wherein I am seeing where I have behaved in the past in conjuncture with what is in front of me now. Trying to understand how and why I would like to be in a agreement. What is a agreement? What am I experiencing thus far within this interaction with the other being? What am I “getting” within this relationship? What am I desiring within it? What is self honesty within it? How has my past relationships placed a point of comparison within this current one? And in what way? What points of moods and energies are arising within myself? And am I defining myself by or becoming dependent on the other being in some way?
All these and more questions have been made and become apparent to me recently and will take some time to work through.
At this point I see and recognize that it is obvious that I am not fully able to answer these questions with any sort of specific certainty in one blog post, I am experiencing a great deal of confusion and resistance to address these questions honestly. I see where I still am holding on to points of wanting to exist within a mentality of wants and desires for a functional relationship with another being and in such I compromise myself for the other being. I see that this is counterproductive as I hide myself and what I have walked thus far in a fear that what I am looking to stand for will be receive as a threat to the other being rather then opening myself in total self honesty and self trust of myself and seeing where it goes from there and taking it for what it is not feeling threaten by myself by the prospect that there is the possibility that it will not work out the way I want or desire. I am afraid of screwing it up and in that fear laying the groundwork for actually screwing it up because I am not being true to myself with the other being. Not seeing that to really actually care for the other being I need to firstly understand how to really care about myself. I have to realize that being honest and true to myself and my process will come through as a point of real caring for the other being as a point of honesty with the being as myself. So this is where I would like to stop for today with the realization and opening of this point of consideration about my current situation. So I commit myself to continue investigating into this within my blog postings until I sufficiently gain a more stable understanding of what self honesty within relationship/agreement really truly is for myself.