71. Breathe Boon, Breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall out of breathe and stay continuously in the mind, choosing to be in thoughts, not accepting and allowing myself to see that thoughts only get me to more thoughts and that the solution is not in thoughts, it is in the here, now in the present moment within breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I might be missing something by not being within my mind thinking about all sorts of things, judgement, projections, expectations, questions, etc, not fully realizing that within breathe is the only real solution that I need to understand to get me to where I am going within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so enthralled with the prospect a experience with other beings skateboarding that I totally forget to breathe and find myself holding my breathe in awe of other beings, holding them within points of judgement and comparison with myself in my mind and not actually being there in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become nervous around other beings to the point where I stop breathing, forgetting myself within where I stand in the moment and really only denying myself a opportunity to practice self honesty and trust within my word. And from within the name of conservation of self which really is only saying that I am to afraid of confrontation or scared of judgement to put myself out there in my word. And not seeing how this is really only a act of self interest within a system of self preservation of my current experience of the mind/ego.

I forgive myself to not breathe when I am involved with another being intimately forgetting that within this point of being with another being the imperative is to not be within the mind creating all kinds of hidden points of desire built within many points of memories and experience from the past, within relationships with other beings and with porn, and I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and implement the importance of remaining within my breathing within moments of intimacy and sex with another being, being there within the physical moment and experiencing the point from there, and not from within a point of fantasy or emotion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop breathing within moments of self forgiveness, and not coming to the realization that breathe is the foundation point in case and indication that what I am writing is from within a starting point of self honesty and self trust from within the present moment.

And so when and as I see myself not breathing from within many moments and trigger points of falling back within the mind and out of my breathe I stop myself and breathe realizing that this moment is real and bring myself back to this moment, feeling the air filling my lungs.

I commit myself to stopping the mind by bring myself back to this now moment through breathing and understanding that this is self support to breathe, realizing that being within the mind is going to lead me nowhere but to more thoughts and questions.

I commit myself to this process in realizing that I will fall but to keep continuously bringing myself back in to the breathe and applying forgiveness within that moment for not breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to do self forgiveness within the moment holding judgement over it as being tedious and and unrealistic to do every single time that I fall out of breathe an within that missing the point of actually building a point of commitment within myself in which the point is to move myself and not beat up myself for my failures thus far but to form a point of change within how I conduct myself day to day, moment to moment.

I commit myself to change this point within myself through this point of one step after another realizing that this will take time but also a point of being completely self honest within those moments.

To be continued…

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70. Over complication within my self view.

So I again am coming to this point of continuously returning to a point of making things so complex within myself that I am becoming stuck and paralyzed within myself. I am constantly judging myself upon a point of this feeling like I am missing something subtle. Something that I should not be doing or should be doing something more. Like writing more or missing some piece of knowledge about myself, and also feeling this paranoia where there is some conspiracy against me to keep me guessing and running in circles.

Looking closely at this I can see that I have a point within myself that I do not want/trust myself to succeed within myself as a person. I have always given up on things in the past. Always just allowed myself to take the easy way out, and I can see how this system is keeps looking to resurface within this process with myself. I do not readily take the steps to see clearly what is the practical next thing to do, like for example seeing a problem within myself and just ignoring it instead of looking for a solution like a blog or a video that could help me gain some clear perspective, I am more playing roulette more like with my process in which the information is coming by chance, not a point of self direction and application. This I realize is extending my process and making it overly complicated for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot walk this process successfully.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that this is a fear of not knowing something and having to admit to myself that I do not know something and that I actually have to direct myself to learn about myself to make change effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously give up within myself and my process even when I am convincing myself that I am doing something by writing verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within how I conduct myself in directing myself to find out about things within my process like relationships, change, self honesty, breathing, my starting points, in which I am not completely clear within myself on because I in fact doubt myself in being worthy of changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I am missing something subtle within my process and not realizing that there are many points of subtlety within this process and that this is not a excuse to stop walking myself and that it actually take self direction to figure these points out one at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget and avoid the fact that this is a process for me to walk for myself and that sulking about is not going to magically solve the issue that I am facing within directing myself, but rather I commit myself to see and act upon the point that I need to stop myself from over complicating this point of HOW do I do this to a point of WHY am I doing it and just doing it, finding solutions along the way through a interaction with the material myself in real time. Not waiting for chance facebook posts to direct me into points but taking my process to the next step for myself as a point of personal application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel paranoia that there is something external from myself that is forcing me to think a particular way that is keeping me from understanding. And I commit myself to fully realize that that is my own mind making up excuses to continue to procrastinate on finding effective solutions and directing myself effectively within my writing.

I commit myself to trust myself within this process that I am walking and not to fear failure but rather understand that failure is inevitable and will happen but the point is not if I fail or not but rather who am I within my failures, someone who will lay down to them and stop myself from moving or someone who dynamically can learn and choose to change myself from those points of failure into a different outcome the next time around.

 

69. Changing myself to facilitate self honesty.Sf.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self honesty within myself, from a point of self judgement in which I am ashamed of the point of exposing myself to the world and essentially myself, not seeing that within this fear I am only prolong and intensifying the point of separation within myself and from others. When and as I see myself looking to hide myself within my words and deeds I stop myself and breathe reminding myself that within the breathe is self honesty within the point of not being in my mind within thoughts within ideas of what may or may not be in my future, constantly judging where I would like to be in the future within my mind in which I am actually only living out a point of comparison within how I am viewing myself presently due to events within my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall continuously on the point of feeling like I do not know what to forgive within myself and what is the relevant point in such I am actually not being self honest within how or what I am looking for where the points are right there I just am hiding behind a veil of not wanting to expose myself to them, not wanting to take the time to investigate the points, or sitting paralyzed within a state of self righteousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame within others for how I behave and how I choose to conduct myself within my experience in which I choose to repeat the same processes of judgement and projection onto others through a blindness towards the fact that these other beings are actually points of reflection of myself. I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself within a point of judgement of another being and realize that if I am reacting to another being in anyway that that really shows that I am in fact not equal and one with that point within myself, and am still operating from within a mind construct within myself. And within that stopping myself in the moment and breathing to a point of clarity with myself until there is no more mind and the back chat has stopped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a importance within what others are thinking about into the position of how I choose to express myself within this particular moment in which I postulate what another being might react to if I say something that may possibly be taking in the wrong way because of a point of being self honest within my own expression, and within that not being completely honest with myself in what I am choosing to be and say within my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another being to become a point of distraction within and as how I experience myself within my current situation, in which I am allowing the other being to be used as a point of focus in which they are being put within the priority of my day and my daily routine, where I will stop what I am doing to refocus myself onto doing something with this other being. And keep pushing back my daily responsibilities. And within that not effectively directing myself honestly with myself, and not setting boundaries effectively.

I commit myself to stop this cycle within how I move myself in relation to other being in which continuously place the other being in position of superior priority to myself and come to a realization that there is no real point of should or should not within how I spend my time only that there are certain points of commitment that I have made with myself on a daily basis and that new points of commitments can be made it is only to find the time in which to effectively and practically fit them into my day and stick with that.

When and as I see myself beginning to panic at the prospect that this is all to much to handle at once I stop myself breathing the air into my lungs feeling the it fill me in the physical and bring myself back there, and remember that while this may seem overwhelming that it is actually a point of being able to test myself constantly and push myself to become a better more effective human being within myself, and that this is actually the reason why I am doing this in the first place, and instead of seeing everything always from a point of difficulty to see it simply from a point of fact, which is that if I walk the the steps one at a time that eventually I will get where I am going.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write words that on some level I did not actually have any intent of following through on, where I actually only was writing them within a point of sounding like I know what I am doing, not really expressing within self honest, but rather from a place of knowledge and information and really only looking to paint a picture of myself as someone who is doing something. Failing to realize that this point can only get me so far until I will actually have to face this point of self dishonesty directly within my process as it cannot facilitate change past a point within myself in which I move myself daily without fail.

And so I commit myself to write myself out with brutal self honesty as much as I can and whenever I can find the time to, and not only reserving writing to typing out on the computer but actual writing within the physical nature of my hand and a pencil and a piece of paper. Seeing the real time connection with each movement of my hand and placing that point of integrity into my expression within my writing. And understanding that this point of writing is something that must be self honest about what I am writing for which is to become a better person for myself and effectively clear myself one point at a time, and why I am doing this is for all, and to change the way I live so as to be a point of example within this world as how to live one and equal to life, and in doing such can bring about real lasting change and a earth that is really a place that would be best for all to live in. Not just a point of concept within my mind that I project to instead of actively living within my life day to day as a point of self honesty and integrity.

68. Changing myself to facilitate self honesty.

Starting this process has been something of a struggle for me to develop what it actually means to be self honest as up to this point all I have really know is layer upon layer of point upon point of not being able to see clearly where I stand within myself, doubting myself at every turn and falling on each point over and over and even to the point of writing the words and speaking the words and not actually living what it means to be self honest. Hiding from myself the points in which I am actually separating myself daily. Seeing them existing within me and not actually moving myself in the moment to change them, excusing myself at each particular circumstance. Coming into this relationship with another being has really opened up the extent to which I am still so much in allowance of so many points of separation and fear within myself. It has made apparent a desire for a successful relationship and a longing for understanding within what a agreement actually is. So this has definitely opened me up to the imperative to really move myself to finding out for myself what/how I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing to the point of paralyzation. To actually move myself only from a point of self interest in wanting to control the interaction with another being to the point of where I fear risking the relationships that I have with other beings because I fear the reactions of me being self honest and open, and not seeing how that by me just scratching the surface with how I talk/interact with others I am actually only laying down a blueprint for consequences within dishonesty and results that are not best for all and not best for myself within my own experience. So seeing that this is the common trend for me within my current process the sensible solution would be to unconditionally start over within myself again breaking down those points of fear and stand once again at a point of choice to be self honest within what I am doing and what I would like to stand as within self. To stop these points of separation when and as they surface calling out for what they are which is just mind delusions, and accounting for them through self forgiveness of the points and apply the corrective actions within my experience. To breathe, and breathe and come back to that breathe every time I falter within letting my mind have free reign. To speak to other beings from within that understanding unconditionally knowing that holding myself back from who I am choosing to stand as within myself is doing nothing but delaying myself and others from reaching a better understanding and delaying a world that is best for all. And ultimately learning to trust myself unconditionally without compromise for fear of embarrassment or shame.

Self forgiveness to follow.

67. Who am I within this relationship. Part 3.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base this relationship around feelings of love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how that within this point of wanting to exist within the polarity of Love I am actually creating the recipe and manifestation of the downfall of this relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let memories of love experiences within my past relationships carry over into this one in which I am looking to reenact the previous experience. And actually not realizing that this is myself looking to sabotage myself in creating energy within my own mind in which I am accepting the reality of not feeling worthy within myself to be in a functional, practical, and genuinely open relationship with another being in which it is not bogged down by feelings.

I commit myself to be forward and open within how I approach this relationship in which I place myself in a point of self honesty about what is really going on within myself and not hiding within embarrassment or within a point of suppressing something within myself or something that I going on within me. Allowing this to be brought into the open arena always and immediately so there is no built up tension or things lurking just beneath the surface.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not place trust within a practical starting point in which I am moving to allow the way that I feel about the other being to infiltrate my decisions within my approach with the other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point of solution which is to stop myself within the moment of reaction in which I am looking to participate in thoughts feelings and emotions about the relationship in which I am allowing myself the feeling of falling in love, or the emotion of worry about screwing up the relationship/agreement. I commit myself to stop projecting myself into a future event based within a momentary system of worry and doubt, and ignoring the practical tangible moment by allowing myself to fall into feelings.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become the point of breathe within those moments and bring myself back to the moment out of my mind.

I commit myself to breathe in those moments when and as I see myself moving into my mind, and realize that those points of love and fear is my mind jumping back and forth within myself only looking to survive within this system of relationships within my mind.

When and as I see myself not trusting myself with my ability to direct myself in the moment in what I am choosing to express and or what I am choosing to do within the physical reality around me and actually just giving into mind systems that are carrying over from my past experiences and relationships with other people I stop and breathe.

I commit myself that when in those breathes I remember that I am not only breathing but within that breathe returning to a point of clarity in which the mind does not and cannot exist or move and to trust that absence of mind as a point of genuine reality within my ability to perceive.

66. Who am I within this relationship. Part 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what she thinks about me in the context that she holds feeling for me. And not seeing how that those fears are really a reflection of my own mind looking for those energetic experiences within the interaction with the other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear where this may lead and what may come out of it and not really placing the focus on what is happening in this moment in terms of taking care of myself daily in doing my responsibilities without fear of what she may think.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing self forgiveness in front of this other being when it pertains to the relationship, not realizing that this is exactly the type of thing that I need to be able to become comfortable with around other beings, exposing myself in self honesty without fear of what others are viewing me as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold this relationship within the starting point of emotion, in which I am while seeing the common sense of practically attending to the requirements of within a agreement, I am still holding on to the emotional side bag. Not wanting to let go of the experiences that have been drilled into my expectations of what a relationship consists of and allowing myself to make small compromises with myself in this early stages of this relationship/agreement. And in which the solution is to stop myself in those moments and return to a point of breathe and stopping the energetic reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hold patience within myself when looking at how to conduct myself within this relationship/agreement, from the perspective that I am looking/wanting/desiring to rush into this “agreeing” aspect without actually really fundamentally knowing what that entails.

When and as I find myself wanting to have a emotional experience triggered through touching or through words like compliments with ulterior motives I stop myself and breathe realizing that I am looking to give myself a point of self gratification through manipulation of the moment/other being.

I commit myself to see how within this point of coming to a understanding of what a agreement is I cannot do that from a placement point of fear of what the other being will think or what she will react to when I am choosing to expose myself in self honesty and to realize that what I can do and am responsible for is just that to be aware of my own reactions and points of fear of exposure.

I commit myself to trust this process and not hide myself from the other being and to know that if I am really serious about if I would like to be in agreement with this being that I actually have to walk through it starting it with brutal self honesty of where I am looking to define myself with the other being.

I commit myself to stop placing a point of fear within this agreement/relationship in which I am relating and comparing it to my past experiences in which I feel as if I need to self sabotage to make it real in some way and forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself feel as if emotional polarity is the only expression that can come from two people looking to walk together. I commit myself to see how this has only ever brought about the deterioration of my past relationships and realize that it will only be the same loop if I do not choose to stop myself and apply the tools that I have learned so far and continue walking my process for myself, as well as learning daily how to apply myself within the context of a real relationship which is a agreement.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that this will all take time and to not place myself within a point of worrying constantly about if I am doing this right or wrong, rather committing myself to walking this through in self honesty and in a point of real commitment within and learning about agreements, and coming to a honest understanding of myself within myself in relation to this agreement.

65. Who am I within this relationship. Part 1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at myself from the context of seeing where and how I am defining myself from within a relationship/agreement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask myself the question who am I within my interactions with this other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that a major point of why I want to be in a relationship is for sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate the relationship in which I behave a certain way or say something with a connotation that is actually with the intent to illicit a specific reaction of getting sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold thoughts of fantasy and hopefulness for sex in my mind in situations that are based within a more normal setting, like walking in the woods.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how these desires and fantasies are really a mind system within myself that is playing itself out through thoughts and actions that are within the starting point of trying to gain something from the other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself become a character as a object of desire within how I am portraying myself to the other being. Wherein I pretend that I am do not care how she views me but really actually gaining a point of self gratification when she tells that she thinks I am attractive. I commit myself to see how I am manipulating my image to create a response within her and use it to gain a point of sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view her as attractive within the context of a point of arousal where I access the picture/image connections within that system within my mind rather then realizing that within sexual expression the physical point is the real point to work with and not any point of picture/images, or what I see, and that the reactions of arousal that I am having are from within that mind system that really only is showing me that I am operating from within my mind and desires, and not actually experiencing the other being but really just experiencing my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop myself before partaking in any intimate contact with the other being and making sure that my starting point is clear in which I am not having any preconceived mind images or fantasies moving in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a point of personal investment within how I perform my actions within intimate contact in which I have thoughts about giving her a experience, wherein I do not see that within that I am not performing actions within the present moment and actually projecting my actions within the context of a future event.

Continuing tomorrow.