68. Changing myself to facilitate self honesty.

Starting this process has been something of a struggle for me to develop what it actually means to be self honest as up to this point all I have really know is layer upon layer of point upon point of not being able to see clearly where I stand within myself, doubting myself at every turn and falling on each point over and over and even to the point of writing the words and speaking the words and not actually living what it means to be self honest. Hiding from myself the points in which I am actually separating myself daily. Seeing them existing within me and not actually moving myself in the moment to change them, excusing myself at each particular circumstance. Coming into this relationship with another being has really opened up the extent to which I am still so much in allowance of so many points of separation and fear within myself. It has made apparent a desire for a successful relationship and a longing for understanding within what a agreement actually is. So this has definitely opened me up to the imperative to really move myself to finding out for myself what/how I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing to the point of paralyzation. To actually move myself only from a point of self interest in wanting to control the interaction with another being to the point of where I fear risking the relationships that I have with other beings because I fear the reactions of me being self honest and open, and not seeing how that by me just scratching the surface with how I talk/interact with others I am actually only laying down a blueprint for consequences within dishonesty and results that are not best for all and not best for myself within my own experience. So seeing that this is the common trend for me within my current process the sensible solution would be to unconditionally start over within myself again breaking down those points of fear and stand once again at a point of choice to be self honest within what I am doing and what I would like to stand as within self. To stop these points of separation when and as they surface calling out for what they are which is just mind delusions, and accounting for them through self forgiveness of the points and apply the corrective actions within my experience. To breathe, and breathe and come back to that breathe every time I falter within letting my mind have free reign. To speak to other beings from within that understanding unconditionally knowing that holding myself back from who I am choosing to stand as within myself is doing nothing but delaying myself and others from reaching a better understanding and delaying a world that is best for all. And ultimately learning to trust myself unconditionally without compromise for fear of embarrassment or shame.

Self forgiveness to follow.

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