70. Over complication within my self view.

So I again am coming to this point of continuously returning to a point of making things so complex within myself that I am becoming stuck and paralyzed within myself. I am constantly judging myself upon a point of this feeling like I am missing something subtle. Something that I should not be doing or should be doing something more. Like writing more or missing some piece of knowledge about myself, and also feeling this paranoia where there is some conspiracy against me to keep me guessing and running in circles.

Looking closely at this I can see that I have a point within myself that I do not want/trust myself to succeed within myself as a person. I have always given up on things in the past. Always just allowed myself to take the easy way out, and I can see how this system is keeps looking to resurface within this process with myself. I do not readily take the steps to see clearly what is the practical next thing to do, like for example seeing a problem within myself and just ignoring it instead of looking for a solution like a blog or a video that could help me gain some clear perspective, I am more playing roulette more like with my process in which the information is coming by chance, not a point of self direction and application. This I realize is extending my process and making it overly complicated for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot walk this process successfully.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that this is a fear of not knowing something and having to admit to myself that I do not know something and that I actually have to direct myself to learn about myself to make change effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously give up within myself and my process even when I am convincing myself that I am doing something by writing verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within how I conduct myself in directing myself to find out about things within my process like relationships, change, self honesty, breathing, my starting points, in which I am not completely clear within myself on because I in fact doubt myself in being worthy of changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I am missing something subtle within my process and not realizing that there are many points of subtlety within this process and that this is not a excuse to stop walking myself and that it actually take self direction to figure these points out one at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget and avoid the fact that this is a process for me to walk for myself and that sulking about is not going to magically solve the issue that I am facing within directing myself, but rather I commit myself to see and act upon the point that I need to stop myself from over complicating this point of HOW do I do this to a point of WHY am I doing it and just doing it, finding solutions along the way through a interaction with the material myself in real time. Not waiting for chance facebook posts to direct me into points but taking my process to the next step for myself as a point of personal application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel paranoia that there is something external from myself that is forcing me to think a particular way that is keeping me from understanding. And I commit myself to fully realize that that is my own mind making up excuses to continue to procrastinate on finding effective solutions and directing myself effectively within my writing.

I commit myself to trust myself within this process that I am walking and not to fear failure but rather understand that failure is inevitable and will happen but the point is not if I fail or not but rather who am I within my failures, someone who will lay down to them and stop myself from moving or someone who dynamically can learn and choose to change myself from those points of failure into a different outcome the next time around.



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