78. The fear of taking risks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the real risk of standing up for life and having real courage when it is called for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find the risk to my life through skateboarding to be more rewarding and of greater value then taking the risk of exposing myself because it is like a rush of a drug and I have become addicted to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that like other addictions that I have faced this addiction can be faced and walked out of through a commitment to self, and bringing myself back to life in what is really important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the risks involved with aligning myself with equality and oneness involves stabilizing myself financially, putting myself out there and exposing myself to all sorts of areas in which I am nervous and uncomfortable with, so really the risk is one of mental/ego limitation that I have set up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to realize that while I am in fear of risking myself as ego, I am really risking the sanctity of life, through non participation in deconstructing myself as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this fear to the point where taking risk that involves my physical body being injured or killed is a more feasible and sensible thing to do then to face myself as the ego mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place this point of activity above the rest of my life within a standpoint of priority and relative importance and focus, to the point of where skating is really only fulfilling a emotional requirement and really has stopped being anything practical or supportive as a point of enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the fear of taking risks and stepping outside my safe zone of taking physical risk on a skateboard has not allowed me to step up to the plate in any other areas of my life like supporting myself within financial literacy, in being able to create a stable platform for me to live in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this has lead to a constant struggle for me to live and really has only been appeased by putting myself at risk physically and getting that fix of adrenaline.

Tbc.

77. Risk Management.

 

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to to not see how the risk involved in all action sport is a prime motivation for the addiction to them, as this is what is stimulating the adrenaline response.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to not realize that the unfettered addiction to adrenaline is a addiction very much similar to the kind of addiction towards drugs and follows the same kind of model within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how when one runs after the high of adrenaline the result is mostly dangerous and self interested. Where all coherent management of risk is thrown out the window and becomes more and more about the element of chance, which not only is quite stupid but also raises the bar to be pushed for others that follow continuing a cycle of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that the bar constantly be raised for sports to be worth anything, like the scope of human achievement is hinged this constant raising of the bar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within the belief that those that put their life on the line are the ones who are really living. When its is clear to see that we as a species are not really living as we would not need to place our lives on the line to experience a “living” feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself not to realize that there is always a element of self interest within looking to raise the bar and set new records when one is always looking to be on top, be the best, and maintain that glorious addiction to adrenaline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view those that raise the bar as heroes in some respect when I see those that forgo risk and have courage to cheat death as being heroic, while not realizing the to have real courage would be to stand up for life and in the face of beings separation to bring a world that is best for all despite the personal result.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the only real risk is the risk to life that is sustained by self interest and is in the end only in the name of profit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how my own addiction to skateboarding has always been in support of the industry of skateboarding and a point of profit while exploiting the earth for resources and exploiting the human beings to raise the bar and create that point of addiction and acceptable risk management for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take full accountability for this and design a better way to do things for myself first and from there stand as a example.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the better way is always what is best for all which would be to live and play within a way that takes all factors into consideration.

Tbc.

76. The Crash Reel, competition and the Olympics.

 

So I would like to write about addictions. I watched a documentary recently called “The Crash Reel” It really highlighted quite a few points and stirred up some reactions. The film was about a snowboarder on road to the Olympics that suffered a TBI. After being in a coma and a long arduous road to recovery the thing that really struck me was how much the mind holds on to the desires to continue a particular activity despite the risk. I have seen through my own personal experience how strongly these points of addiction become when we believe that these activities are us, are what make us up, to the point where I would forgo anything else for that rush and the feeling of achievement.

What really struck me is from what I have come to see and realize from the Desteni material is that all of these points of sport, competitions, events really represent is separation, to find out who is the best. To shake the pan and wash away the “slag” so the gold can bask in glory. But I can see how this glory is momentary. What is REALLY important here against the complete story of humanity? How do I still accept and allow myself to be this supporter of sport and competition when there is so much left to do within the world presently to ensure that LIFE can bask in glory, and not only a select few for moments that make up history.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the idea of becoming better or glorious by way of competing against other beings in sports.

I forgive for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within all sporting competitions there lays a element of distraction by placing all of the focus on the competitive aspect of the sports. Simulating the aspect of war in essence.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize what is really important within this life experience which is the recognition that life is the only real value or “gold” and that all competitions are really taking place within a ego/mind state of trying to excel, to be better then another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel these emotions involved with competition and empathize myself with sports athletes, feeling their ambitions and there disappointment, not stopping myself to see how it is really all a game laid out in front of me/us to push ourselves and doubt ourselves striving to be on top.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that there is no “top”, it does not exist except within the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subscribe to these idea’s of superiority, victory, glory, from a young age where I learned to define myself in direct correlation of others and how well I performed and competed against others within my childhood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this is the social structure that has been in place for the scope of human history and not allowing myself to see beyond it and realize a better way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that within a equal money system and a global realization that all are equal and one competition and pride would change to a more intimate understanding of the individuals and of personal enjoyment rather then a grasping for momentary glory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that as sports stand currently there is a very small scope of human beings that are able to gain the opportunity, funding, medical attention, and support to become professional athletes which in itself is a competition to even be considered to become a Olympian, and that within a EMS the opportunity for anyone from any part of the world could have the chance to enjoy oneself within sport.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I have a addiction to the level of expertise and mastery shown within professional sports.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the attention given to sports and sporting events is actual a large mismanagement of time and resources where the real focus should be in creating a world that is best for all.

I will continue opening up my personal attachments to this subjects in the next post.

75. Compassion continued.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put forth a self image as one who is compassionate when in fact that has always been with the starting point of appearing that way to other beings to maintain a relationship with other beings. Not realizing that within that starting point there is no real compassion only self interest and self preservation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear to overcome myself in my life where I focus more on proving compassion to those around me rather then a overall compassionate action to the way I live with full knowledge and acceptance of what must be done to change the world systems from one of abuse to one of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have courage in the face of this task. Allowing my mind to rule in fear and cause me to stop directing myself in a way that is best for all but only best for me in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistently run, because of points within my upbringing were I would always run from my problems rather then wanting to face them, and feel helpless and weak against others and this is why I choose to feel compassion rather then apply it so I can escape from a potential threat in that moment.

When and as I see myself experiencing this emotion of compassion coming up within me, I stop and breathe. I realize that this compassion is really a escape route that I have designed for myself for the present moment in which when I am experiencing something that requires me to behave a certain way to maintain a relationship with another being I play that character of compassion instead of applying a real action of compassion to my overall way of living, I am looking to run away from actually having to face problems in the world practically, instead feeling “compassion” is enough.

I commit myself to see that real compassion would be standing up within myself acknowledging what must be done in the world to make real change happen, and what is best for all life here, and applying myself within those principals.

I commit myself to realize that doing this task will take a great deal of courage from within myself as my mind will always try to take advantage and turn me back in every instance until I have walked myself through each point of separation practically.

I commit myself stop myself when I notice that I am only looking to please or placate another being by reacting or behaving a certain way to gain their acceptance or respect, or if it maintains points of separation within the other being.

I commit myself to give support to other beings whenever it is appropriate within the context of practical solutions and not blind sympathy.

I commit myself to stop the fear within myself of rejection from others for actually standing up within myself and not basing my sense of self worth within a belief that I need to fit in with the others to be OK and stable within myself.

I commit myself to see that stability will only come when I have practically faced myself in each point of fear that has layered itself on top of the next layer over the course of my whole life.

I commit myself to stop running away from problems and situations that I do not want to face and realize that the more that I run away that the more they will chase me down accumulating in quantity and intensity and understand that the only practical thing to do is to stand in courage and face my own mind.

I commit myself to the understand that living real compassion is living by principal, the principal that in each moment to be here now within this breath and understand why being here now is important and that living now will actually prove that one is in fact in support of life.

I commit myself to live real compassion.

74. Compassion

So looking at a different perspective as to why I delay and do not apply myself to my process of writing I noticed that on some level sometimes there is this point of not really seeing or caring about what is going on, or when I do “care” it typically is based within a starting point of emotion, instead of a physical action within a principal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I am delaying my process to a overall lack of compassion and basic intentional blindness to the separation in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the separation and repel away from it and am not willing to face it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within feelings like disgust, anger, sadness, disbelief when faced with world issues and believing that this is actually caring and compassion when I partake in a feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that real compassion would entail a physical action and application of self where one/I will make the necessary change from abuse of life to support of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this will take years of dedication to self in learning and in applying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the scope of the task to rule over me within my mind in the construct that it is not even worth it to really start because it is such a tall task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is plainly a uncompassionate stance to take.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this has actually been a front-lining point within my process because it is routinely a hinge on which I find myself swinging on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is a point of deception created in my mind where I am making myself seem like I am actually a compassionate person because I am “caring” but I do not actually stand within a principal proving that I can be trusted at this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with becoming upset and agitated at the prospect of not being a “caring” person, not seeing how this is a defensive state that I have created in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take accountability for this desire to seem like a person who cares rather then a person who takes myself on within a principal of reestablishing the equality and oneness that I am inherently but have forgotten within allowing myself to exist within my mind.

tbc…

73. Back pt.2

When and as I see myself playing the personality role of someone who uses emotions such as guilt, fear, pain, embarrassment, laziness, I stop myself in that moment and breathe, and I commit myself to realize that this is really my mind playing out a character to ensure it own survival and that that experience is not real, and is only made a resemblance of reality through my participation in it.

When and as I see myself wanting to just let myself slide on my responsibility to uncover and expose myself through daily writing, reading and participation with the group I stop myself and breathe, bring myself back into this moment and reestablish myself in the physical reality and remind myself that this is why I am walking this process to allow the physical world as life to flourish and stop within my systems of abuse through mind participation.

When and as I see myself giving greater value to my images and reputation to other beings, friends, and family I stop myself and breathe, and really have a look into the nature of relationships with other beings and if they are really real from the perspective of not being based within a starting point of self interest. I commit myself to investigate into the nature of friendships if friendships can really exist and what does this mean to me?

I commit myself to fully understand that there is nothing greater in value then the value of life.

I commit myself to stop my non participation and reestablish myself as a being who truly does care about life and the direction of life on the earth.

I commit myself to flag point my systems of separation in a precise and specific self directive manner daily.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing my pre-programmed personality to hold reign and power over me and move past these points of laziness and hesitation, and realize that there is no one that is going to walk me through this other then me. It must come from me as I am the one responsible

I commit myself to understand that throughout this process breath will be my stability point in which I always return, there before I fall into my own self created trap of guilt, remorse, anger, frustration, with myself for where I stand within my process I always come back to the breathe understanding that this is this moment and that I am here, as me.

I commit myself to this daily deconstruction so as to become and place myself in a position of self trust and within a totally and visible point of self honesty so it is clear to myself and others that I can be trusted with the gift of life and to can be trusted within reestablishing the world as a the haven of life rather then the tar pit of life.

I commit myself to become clear within myself to avoid and future lapse of forgetfulness and be able to fully and completely stand up within myself without compromise for life and the message of equality as the opportunity for life to experience itself as life unconditionally and with fear of its own destruction and demise.

I commit myself to fully realize that now is the present moment and that in participation within the mind that I am not in the present moment but of in the spaces and dimensions of my mind, I commit myself to see how within participation with my mind I am in fact missing out on the real world happening all around me and that I am not actually living the gift of life that was trusted to me.

I commit myself to the reestablishment of life as the true base value in this world through cEaseing myself back from my mind and slowly but surely uncovering myself and putting myself in a position that can be useful in this reestablishment, and to flag point and forgive points of hesitation, fear, and avoidance along the way.

I commit myself to physically lay out a guideline for myself and truly have a look at where I would like to go, what I would enjoy doing, and what is really useful in creating a better world and actively participating in that rather then only participating in fantasies within my mind.

I commit myself to let go of pursuing relationships based within self interest of the preservation of mind systems and instead place the focus on clearing myself first before trying to “prove” to others that I care rather then standing as a real trustworthy being through physical action and application.

72. Back.

 

Well after a long break I am glad to say that I am back.
With some new realizations. So I would like to begin to open up points on why I am finding it so hard to maintain this process and why I find it difficult to maintain focus on breathing, whats really important and why I am still so hesitant to really step up and get involved.

So,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if breathing is boring and that staying within my mind is important because I feel that I am going to miss out on something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that I am actually missing out on what is around me in each given moment by not allowing and accepting myself to live within and as my breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mind as my stability point as thoughts looking for a solution within my ever cascading thoughts rather then bringing it back to the present moment within breathe and actually seeing for real that this is my real stability point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this idea that I need to fill up my experience with stimulus to have a life that is worth living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how in this search for fulfillment I am missing and ignoring the point of actually creating a fulfilling for all life equally which would be the true fulfillment and not one based within my own self interest.

Why after all this time do I still fall back into the trap of only wanting to care about myself? How can I not see what is actually at stake? How does guilt play a role within facing myself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want to really care about myself and my interests in this world not stopping to really realize what is happening and taking into account why I should stop my mind and stand up an be counted as a real human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall for the trap of feeling guilt within myself and not seeing how this is actually a ploy of my mind to coerce me into non action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a being separate within my mind living within self interest and guilty feelings for not taking action while many around the world are in need of support and action.

Is writing enough? What action needs to happen? Why do I hesitate to take action?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that writing is the tool to decontruct myself and uncover and expose myself to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that writing self forgiveness is about taking self responsibility for all points of separation that I have lived and attach myself to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that this is really the beginning of change in the world, where one begins to gradually stand up day after day a little bit at a time, recreating self, from a being of complete self interest into a being who can be trusted as life, equal and one as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that for the world to change many beings around the world will need to stand as a group within a starting point of what is best for all life here, and that my personal point of action begins with writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there may come a time when I will have to move beyond writing and actually stand up and speak up for equality within my community and stand as a example.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate within moving myself because I fear confronting others about the inequality and separation in the world at present.

What are some reasons why I fear confrontation?
-I am not confident with myself as I stand today.
-I do not like the idea that I may make someone angry or rather not have them like me.
-It is easier to let things slide past rather then face them directly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and confidently enough to handle any situation within my experience without compromise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate at standing up because it risks putting me in the spotlight where some beings could become angry with me or not like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold popularity as a factor in why I do not stand for life. Where it is clear to see that it is merely self interest and self preservation play the role of “buddy” or “friend” rather then assert myself within my current understanding of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the idea that it is easier to just allow these points to slide by and never address them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that is easier to abdicate situations because I have never tried any other way, never really taking anything on with fully intention but always just floating around points and people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to take the easy way out because it is something that I am comfortable with in not actually challenging my pre-programmed nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am actually living in a state that has been programmed into me from a young age and in that forgetfulness I allow this separation from life to be normalized within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within this state of forgetfulness as a coping mechanism to deal with the series of events within my childhood that I do not want to face because of points of fear, embarrassment, and pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a state that places me in a position of absolute dis-empowerment because I do not want to admit to myself that I am allowing my mind to be in value of greater power then myself as one with myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully put in the time necessary to understand that full encompassing scope of what equality as one as life really means through a dedication to self through daily walking of writing, breathing, and practical physical living application.

tbc…