72. Back.

 

Well after a long break I am glad to say that I am back.
With some new realizations. So I would like to begin to open up points on why I am finding it so hard to maintain this process and why I find it difficult to maintain focus on breathing, whats really important and why I am still so hesitant to really step up and get involved.

So,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if breathing is boring and that staying within my mind is important because I feel that I am going to miss out on something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that I am actually missing out on what is around me in each given moment by not allowing and accepting myself to live within and as my breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mind as my stability point as thoughts looking for a solution within my ever cascading thoughts rather then bringing it back to the present moment within breathe and actually seeing for real that this is my real stability point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this idea that I need to fill up my experience with stimulus to have a life that is worth living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how in this search for fulfillment I am missing and ignoring the point of actually creating a fulfilling for all life equally which would be the true fulfillment and not one based within my own self interest.

Why after all this time do I still fall back into the trap of only wanting to care about myself? How can I not see what is actually at stake? How does guilt play a role within facing myself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want to really care about myself and my interests in this world not stopping to really realize what is happening and taking into account why I should stop my mind and stand up an be counted as a real human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall for the trap of feeling guilt within myself and not seeing how this is actually a ploy of my mind to coerce me into non action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a being separate within my mind living within self interest and guilty feelings for not taking action while many around the world are in need of support and action.

Is writing enough? What action needs to happen? Why do I hesitate to take action?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that writing is the tool to decontruct myself and uncover and expose myself to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that writing self forgiveness is about taking self responsibility for all points of separation that I have lived and attach myself to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that this is really the beginning of change in the world, where one begins to gradually stand up day after day a little bit at a time, recreating self, from a being of complete self interest into a being who can be trusted as life, equal and one as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that for the world to change many beings around the world will need to stand as a group within a starting point of what is best for all life here, and that my personal point of action begins with writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there may come a time when I will have to move beyond writing and actually stand up and speak up for equality within my community and stand as a example.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate within moving myself because I fear confronting others about the inequality and separation in the world at present.

What are some reasons why I fear confrontation?
-I am not confident with myself as I stand today.
-I do not like the idea that I may make someone angry or rather not have them like me.
-It is easier to let things slide past rather then face them directly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and confidently enough to handle any situation within my experience without compromise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate at standing up because it risks putting me in the spotlight where some beings could become angry with me or not like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold popularity as a factor in why I do not stand for life. Where it is clear to see that it is merely self interest and self preservation play the role of “buddy” or “friend” rather then assert myself within my current understanding of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the idea that it is easier to just allow these points to slide by and never address them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that is easier to abdicate situations because I have never tried any other way, never really taking anything on with fully intention but always just floating around points and people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to take the easy way out because it is something that I am comfortable with in not actually challenging my pre-programmed nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am actually living in a state that has been programmed into me from a young age and in that forgetfulness I allow this separation from life to be normalized within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within this state of forgetfulness as a coping mechanism to deal with the series of events within my childhood that I do not want to face because of points of fear, embarrassment, and pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a state that places me in a position of absolute dis-empowerment because I do not want to admit to myself that I am allowing my mind to be in value of greater power then myself as one with myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully put in the time necessary to understand that full encompassing scope of what equality as one as life really means through a dedication to self through daily walking of writing, breathing, and practical physical living application.

tbc…

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s