108. Talking to the boss and fear of authority.

 

 

So this yesterday morning I had some anxiety about a talk that I have been meaning to have with my boss. The talk was about getting another job in Alberta working in the camps. I noticed a few things about the experience that I had leading up to this talk. Since I knew that I was going to see her last morning I was stressing out a little over bringing this up through a mental play-out within my mind, where that worst case scenario kept going through my head. Yelling and screaming, swearing and blaming were all coming from my imaginary authority figure. I was nervous walking into the kitchen because I had seen my boss get angry before and I did not want to be the invocation of that anger even though I had come to decision that going to the camps would be the best decision for me at this point. I was scared of a retribution and retaliation style reaction from her for wanting to leave. But in the end it was all in my mind and she was very supportive about the idea and even offer to use her connections to help me find a job. So it goes to show how the mind constructs can be totally off base when it comes to reality and just tend to come up with the WCS.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up within myself fearing and becoming anxious about talking to my boss about finding another job.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting reprimanded and yelled.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this fear to be manifest through a fear of authority.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this particular instance started as a fear of female authority within the way that I was raised through-out my childhood.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate confrontation with a female authority as being stressful for this reason of preprogamming instead of standing stable within myself trusting myself to communicate effectively.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come up with a worst case scenario in my mind that where I am a victim of persecution from another being because that is what I have experienced in the past and that is what I fear happening to me in the future, also based within what I have observed my boss to be capable of.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my boss in a box of characterization where I judge her by past actions and incidents of her.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand within the principal of equality and oneness with how I communicate with my boss and stand up within myself.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to not see how the figmentation of this fear in my mind is actually the preprogramming that must be push through to actually reach self expression, where I will experience much friction and resistance to making changes happen within my life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand the real point here which is still the judgement of another and the activity of the mind in creating reality other then what is here in front of me.

 

I will continue with this subject after work today.

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107. Finding whats missing. 106. Continued.

So I can see that there is the point of figuring out when and where this cycle of abuse began and originated from within my experience. If I look back there was a incident when I was a young, young boy, maybe 5-6 earlier perhaps, one of my earliest memories that I still recall. Where my mom would bring me over to these peoples house and there was this older boy, and I don’t remember much but I do remember him showing me pornography magazines and from there I remember acting out and the depictions in the magazines with the boy. Now being a young boy I do not remember much of the details of what went on, how many visits there were, who these people were, or even what city this was in, but I do remember being told by this other boy not to tell anyone what we were doing, and being scolded by the other boy when I almost exposed the magazines to another person in the house. And there on I suppose my perception of sex had begun as something that should be hidden and exploited in private. From this perspective I suppose I formed a certain opinion about sex at that time and it stuck with me ever since, I wanted to experience this bond that was depicted in the magazines, I suppose not unlike when people would like to emulate the stars in magazines and movies. My entire conceptualization of what normal sex is was skewed from a early point, and I can see now that it has escalated to this point now in my life where my mind is actually in control when I see a women on tv or on the street. Like a tornado picking up speed it got worse and worse as I got older and more voracious. Although the more voracious the porn system became inside me the more timid and internalized I became from the outside perspective unable to even start to talk to girls, to the point were this became a all encompassing character flaw within myself, I hated myself for it but the more that I internalized the more relied on porn to fill this desire for bonding.

So it seems like from what I can remember this would be the beginning of the cycle of initially being introduced to pornography, at quite a young age, which really actually sheds some perspective on the problem as a whole as with the advent of internet and the inception of instant porn wherever, whenever, many have access to a astonishing array of even more harmful and destructive forms of pornography then ever and available to small children at the touch of a button.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the point of reference within me is my childhood and idea’s and thoughts about marriage and bonding where adulterated from any sort of natural understanding of equality and oneness, through the depictions that I was exposed to in pornography.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to from that point onward to conceptualize the “bond” depicted within the pictures that I saw in the magazines was real and what the natural bond of humans was about, and from there never really stopping myself to question that, instead basing my understanding and preference of what I saw as sex and love to be something to do with image, and pictures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then take that opinion and close myself off from any other possible understanding where I could actually talk to another being about what I was experiencing where I form the belief within myself that sex was shameful and something that should not be talked about or be in the open but in the dark in the corner.
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find the experience of exposure exciting and intriguing because it was something that I should not have been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see at the time that if something is being hidden and tucked away from others and my parents then something must not be “correct” within it, and while at the time there was no conceptualization within myself of equality and oneness that this is the basis within which pornography stands within society, wherein the “correct” thing to do would actually stop the support that is given to pornography as support of the generation of energy within/for the mind, to actually stop the abuse that the industry of sex is actually responsible for.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to free myself from my conceptualizations about sex what it means and how to participate effectively.

The next time I am face with a situation where I begin to fall on this point of sexualizing a woman or have the urge to look at pictures of woman I commit myself to stop, slow down those thoughts, and breathe, stop the emotions and breathe, remember this realization within these words and understand that by participating in those thoughts, emotions, and actions would actually be saying to myself that I am a product of that one experience from my childhood where one system shared abuse with another system. Time to stop the cycle of system abuse.

I commit myself to stop this system of abuse within me through participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions  about pornography and the sexualizations that I have created within my mind about women.

I commit myself to realize that when I am faced with these points within me that what I am reacting to in reference is a longing for a bond with another.

When and as I see myself longing for a bond within another being I stop myself and breathe and realize that if I am longing/wanting something from another being that what I am really saying is that I want more for me then what I am willing to give of myself.

I commit myself to understand and walk the principal of give what I would like to receive within the principals of equality and oneness. Where what I am doing within and as sex is a reflection of who I am as me, who I am as sharing myself within the expression of myself with another being unconditionally, within the moment here and now in the breathe in the physical.

I commit myself to stop the mind within my experiences with sex, and instead make a point to actually explore myself within sex as a self expression here in and as the physical, and realize that the support of the physical human body through sex can be very cool and fun when nothing is taken back through expectations or visual preconditions of the mind.

I commit myself to take a stand within myself on this point and to be relentless within recognizing my points of past weakness and actively moving myself to support in those areas instead and realizing that this is actually a point that many face and that many have already faced and in walking this point out back unto equality and oneness within myself, that I lend my experiences and voice to creating a world that is best for all and that is free from abuse, where small children do not have to be exposed to sex in a unnatural way, and are supported within a expressive understanding instead.

 

I know that I am not finished with this point but I am finished for now.

106. What am I missing here?

So even though I have done forgiveness on it and look at it, still I have fallen on the point of porn and image. What am I missing because obviously I am not seeing some point within it all that is key to the final step within this point of taking it into practical application. Not that I am falling on this point every day, but over the past few months there have been a couple of falls and I still notice that there is a level of excitement when faced with images of females, or females on the street. Am I giving over power to the images? do I hold value within and as image and beauty still? If I know that watching and masturbation to pornography in fact supports rape in this world then is this just a matter of compassion? Why do I allow myself to continue in these falls when the whole time I am at war with myself within me? Is my mind that strong to push me to do something even though I “know” the consequence? I suppose that it is strong, but is it stronger then the choice that I have to or to not do/participate in something? No. I allow myself to be powerless in the face of my mind. I allow myself to fall. Maybe what I am missing is the clarity to see the mind when it is using my emotions against me. When I feel bad about what I have done so I believe in myself that I am horrible, evil, and powerless to change completely. So what would be the solution to this. Perhaps to just own up to the fact that I am making a choice here and that that system is always looking to hang on, always looking to survive and perpetuate itself within me. It does not want to be looked at it wants to be put into a-void. So seeing the system for what it is and realizing that it is my mind and not me and it is not real is the first step and then to actually stand up every single time it wants to take control of me through my emotions through my mind I stop, slow things down and see the system and breathe the 4 count breathe and realize that in that moment it is a point of choice, to fall, or to transcend. I also understand that what you feed within the mind will continue to live and grow in intensity so the opposite must be as time goes by and I stand the system will shrink and atrophy until it is no longer a definition of myself as who I really am as life. I will never escape what I have done that is fact, but I can change.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the gift of forgiveness in not staying true to my word, and not understanding that my word is my bond and if I do not hold bond to my word then I am actually placing myself in a position of setting the stage to fall easier the next time.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself when faced with a system that has constantly been looped within my experience for many years.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care at times because I do not care, or have compassion in those times and that I am actually showing to myself that I really do not care and do not have compassion in any real sense if I can turn it on and turn it off when it is suited in my interests.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in and as the mind at war with itself and giving into that war and friction believing that this is real within me and not actually realizing that what is real is life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within myself I am unable to forgive myself and move past my history of abuse within pornography and my reactions to the female image.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing this forgiveness in a attempt to a-void-I’m-in the problem and just hope that it goes away trying my hardest to be a good boy and not actually taking the time to face the system and not seeing the pattern that emerges that it will continue to keep coming back until I deal with the point of separation within me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting myself to feel shame and guilt for continuously falling instead of taking a practical stand within the problem and completely letting go of this point. And realizing that there is a collusion between the point of emotional reaction and this point of falling back.

 

I commit myself to stop this pattern of feeling bad/sad/angry with myself within this point of falling and failure and actually take a practical stand within the principles of equality and oneness.

 

I commit myself to see that this choice is going to be there every time I am faced with this point so I will always be tested.

 

I commit myself to standing up within myself knowing that I cannot be caring and compassionate only sometimes and that a true expression of caring and compassion is not within words but actions and if my actions do not reflect my words that I am living within abuse of myself.

 

I commit myself to realize that I am the one that will have to take responsibility for these actions now or in death, but asking myself when facing these points in the future who would I like to live as and in what world would I prefer to be living in, one of rape and separation of one that is best for all.

 

I commit myself to stand up to my mind and actually take responsibility for what I have allowed within my experience and actually move forward with a better understanding of myself and as a point of reference for others who may be going through similar experiences so I may be a point of support.

 

I will continue tomorrow.

105. Relishing favorable reactions.

 

So yesterday at work there was a client volunteering who had stayed at the shelter last summer and who I had gotten along with quite well at the time. I was glad to see him as I he had randomly popped into my head a few day before. We got to talking, and while it was cool to hear how he was turning his life around, on his feet again, and supporting himself, I noticed myself getting triggered into a state of total distraction from my work, I was just allowing myself to be pulled into his stories about what his life coming up to then had consisted up of and amazed at how he had pulled himself out of so much self dishonesty, anger, and fear. But within all of this I notice that within myself I was not stable I was excited and “high” on the conversation. I would utilize my breathe to bring myself back to the now but noticed that I would continue to let myself slide back into the excited reactions.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become excited when I seeing this person to the point where I lost control and focus on what I was doing within my work.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relish these reactions in such that I associate them as being “good” and making me feel alive.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become surprised and amazed at what this other being has gone through to such a extent that I actually start viewing my own life within a state of inferiority where I feel I have not gone through as much turmoil.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate a interesting life with turmoil wherein I see others based within a value system of judgement in which I see people who have faced more adversary as being more valuable and superior in their perspective.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for associating myself within this belief as a direct correlation and linkage within how I view myself and my own past and upbringing where I see myself as being more valuable and superior then others because of the turmoils in my upbringing.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as this character of turmoil, and not allowing myself to see that I am the one who is actually the one who is directing myself and not based within the amount of turmoil that I am able to handle or have experienced.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this character take over my awareness to the point where I became out of touch with the physical reality around me and I turn onto auto pilot and fail to be the directive expression within my experience.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bath in the energies that were flowing through at the time and not realizing that what I was experiencing was energies existing actually in the mind and that I was not here in and as breathe.

 

When and as I see myself distracted by the the stories of another being to the point where I do not actually have any focus on what I am doing in front of me I stop myself and breathe and see that what is actually happening is that I am allowing my mind consciousness system to relish and bath in the energies of anthers life experiences finding them exciting and enthralling.

 

I commit myself to push myself to notice when I am letting myself slide into a state in which I am not actually present but am existing within a state internal positive reaction and place the actual physical reality around me into a state of running on auto.

 

When and as I see myself become totally absorbed and taken into another beings life, or stories of their life, to the point where I start losing touch with the reality in front of me, I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is actually me placing myself in a position of inferiority and believing that I am something less then the story that I am hearing.

 

I commit myself to see that when another being is sharing there stories with me that to take them for what they are which is a story and does not affect me within and as who I stand as in this moment of breathe.

 

When and as I see myself believing that somehow another persons life has been more, or had a greater potential for self direction or success then my own life has, I stop myself and breathe, and realize that in placing a greater value in someone else’s life other then my own, I am not actually standing equal and one with myself within my experience.

 

I commit myself to have trust within myself and within the life that I am currently walking, and knowing that this process of walking myself to freedom is what will create a world where all can stand and live in what is best for all.

 

When and as I see myself becoming envious of another beings life of excitement and instability I stop myself and breathe and commit myself to actually look at what is being reflected to me within this envy, looking for what it is within me that is actually still tying to find coolness within separation.

 

I commit myself to see and realize that coolness within the context of what is best for all would be a manifestation of all as one as equal as life, and that allowing myself to be swept up within the addictive allure of becoming excited within stories is in actuality of the mind and not real.

104. Giving people what they want. Being clear. And am I doing the right thing? pt 2.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into a ethic of not really caring about what I do and what I serve at my job and have really kind of let my actions slide in terms of the effort I am willing to put into preparing the meals.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this lack of effort and caring is based within disdain and anger towards the system and feelings in which I believe that I could do a better job of getting people off the street then the system is providing.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is just arrogance at this point as I am still working through my own process, my own separations of self and not understanding that each of these beings has there own process ahead of them and I cannot change them in any other way then to walk my process as an example and share my experiences if they are asked for.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let these constructs rule me instead of seeing my work as a point of personal expression where I do the job with my entire attention and focus that is required, realizing that while in the grand scheme of things it may not be making the biggest splashes but I am supporting myself within my job and it is a point of being here now within what I am doing.

 

When and as I see myself become upset or agitated towards the shelter clients I stop myself and breathe and realize that they are me as one and equal to me as life, and that what I am actually dealing with is only mind systems. I commit myself to stop judging mind systems and realize that any sort of judgement towards others is my own mind consciousness system looking for friction to feed its own existence.

 

When and as I see myself not standing within myself at work and find myself depressed within my work ethic in terms of not wanting to put in the effort to complete a meal with integrity I stop myself and breathe, realizing that within the point of laziness within my work ethic it is actually a point of not wanting to support myself within standing up within myself in which ever situation that I am in.

 

I commit myself to see that not standing up consistently within all of the situations that I am a part off actually is point out that I am within a mind selfishness where I only consider comfort and ease to be of value.

 

When and as I see myself only taking my own self interest into account when preparing meals I stop myself and breathe and realize that the beings that I am preparing meals for are actually me within and as myself and that not caring about what I prepare can in fact cause harm and illness to these other beings.

 

I commit myself to pay attention and focus myself when prepare food so as to support myself within the expression of working to support me and within the expression of support of providing those that are requiring nutrition with the best options that I can provide within the limitations of my workplace.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to the those that seem to be over doing the amount of calories that they are in-taking due to the rules of limitations of my workplace I stop myself and breathe and understand that despite my emotional wishes others are where they are at within there own process here on earth.

 

I commit myself to the understanding that there is little that I can do in terms “convincing” them to change, but there is always the point of standing up within myself, facing myself in self honesty daily and changing myself, and if approached with questions I can provide support.

 

On the flip side, when and as I see myself faced with anxiety within a situation in which a client is asking me to break the rules that have been laid out for me in such a way that is not best for all, (ie, receive more then I can’t give equally to all that are requesting extra) I stop myself and breathe and realize that in those situations I can actually can do the integral part of saying no to the being, explaining myself clearly and moving on with-out moving into a emotional reaction toward the other being, even if he/she is screaming/angry with me.

 

I commit myself to trust myself within how I distribute food within the shelter and realize that within this particular demographic of beings at this time there will invariably be some that are looking for more then their viable allotment of food, but commit to myself to not react in a emotional way in considering that they are just being greedy or are selfish for asking for more.

 

I commit myself to realize that when I react in such a way that demonizes others within my view of them what I am actually seeing and recognizing is my own demons within my mind consciousness system activating.

 

I commit myself to realize that I am no better then those that are staying in the shelter, that we are one and equal and at this point I can support both of us through careful attention to myself in the expression of myself within work.

103. Giving people what they want. Being clear. And am I doing the right thing?

 

So this one being at the shelter who I had a interaction with where I was giving out second’s on grilled cheese sandwiches he was first in line an he asked for “three pieces please”, and I told him no, he could have half a sandwich and when he was done he could come back and get another one if there was any left. What I was meaning was the when everyone else has gotten a second piece he could have another, I continue handing out seconds and maybe 10 people down the line I see him again with a bunch of people behind him, I felt upset because while it was obvious to me that what I meant was wait until everyone has had seconds and then you can have thirds. Well went he reach the front and I told him this he got angry and upset and stormed off.

 

The event played in my head for a while and I could see myself becoming upset and angry and justifying to myself, and this question of am I doing the right thing here circled in my mind. I can see that the food that we are preparing for the shelter clients is not the highest quality and we are required to give out a snack every day which is usually donated pastries from a bakery. I can see that when the snacks are put out some of the clients will take a large portion for themselves off the bat leaving none for others and these are client who I would observe to not really benefit in any way from the extra calories if I may put it that way…. they are obese. It’s my job and this is the way that the system there has been set up but to me I can see that there is a line drawn between distinguishing supporting the clients in their day vs actually supporting and adding to health problems and addictions with poor nutrition. I can see that there is some that really want to help themselves and that are attempting to break out of cycles within their addictions but others are really only perpetuating them, and on a level I am feeling somewhat responsible for those perpetuation’s.

 

I realize that this points have always been in my mind and are based within judgements of others in what I see and what I believe to be correct without actually standing within myself without movement.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I am doing something wrong by not giving out extra food to someone who is ask/demanding food from me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for other beings choices in how much they are choosing to eat.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other beings within the basis of my own criteria of what is proper eating habits.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel justified in not giving out food because I am somehow doing them a favour.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry when beings ask me for more food or special requests because I feel like somehow they are unable to control themselves when in fact I am seeing these systems not being in control reflecting within myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the other beings as just trying to get things from me and feeling like their words are only within a “banking for later” process.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is really only a judgement call on my part, and instead of communicating to them in a constructive way I am standing within a point of reluctance within myself and grudgingly giving over requests which are asked of me.

 

I forgive myself to understand the limitations of my job currently and understand that I cannot please everyone in the shelter and maintain the integrity within my job.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this job is a point of integrity within the system and not realize that it is actually only a manifestation of the inefficiency and representation of separation within the system.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the reality of myself being here now in the breathe and believing that what I am giving out to others is the the reality that defines me as good. NOT understanding that if I am not here, then good or bad really does not hold any weight, being here as one and equal will actually direct me without compromise.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to try to rationalize the actions after the fact because of a emotional response to adversity within other beings and not actually standing up within trusting myself and trusting my decisions in what to give out or what not to give out based within my bosses wishes.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to do my job I need be bound in chains by my bosses rules, and believe that I need to separate myself from the other beings at the shelter on some level and not see how I can still communicate as one and equal with them and explain myself and my actions effectively.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself within a emotional reaction to other beings outburst actually putting myself in a seat of responsibility of other beings emotions when this is unnecessary.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in fear of conflict and fearing the other beings taking my actions as a point to not like or respect me instead of standing up within myself and directing myself to a/the solution that is best for all within those situations.

 

I will continue along this subject in the next post.

102. wanting to teach another pt 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let worry set into my experience not seeing how this emotional worry for other is really seeing the mistakes that I made in my life and thinking that I can help others to avoid them.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that the only way for me to actually bring about change in others is through standing as a example of equality and oneness and that standing within a fear within myself can transfer that fear and doubt to others, or have other unforeseen consequences.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing seeing mistakes in others lives because it triggers the memories of my own life to arise.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not seeing that rather then fearing the triggered memories what I can do practically is in those moments is unconditionally stop myself, breathe and apply forgiveness for standing within those fears and triggers of my past instead of reacting and possible creating a point of fear for the other being.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to teach another being because I think that I am in a superior position of knowledge I stop myself and I breathe remembering that speaking from a place of knowledge and information is of the mind and that what is actually happening is that I am becoming triggered by the other being into feeling like I have some valuable lessons to teach.

 

When and as I see myself feeling as if I am in a paternal position I stop and breathe and realize that even though I have come through so much in my own experience that the only real effective way for another to learn is if I am standing as equality and oneness as a principle within my daily life.

 

When and as I see myself standing in fear for a child that may or may not even be conceived I stop myself and breathe, asking myself where this fear is originating from? Why am I so concerned with this particular family unit when the entire world is facing the same or similar conditions? What is the real issue facing parenting and and why not bring my focus there in clearing and equalizing myself with that point.

 

When and as I see myself becoming linked to my upbringing through others whom I judge to be unready for parent-ship I stop myself and breathe, and realize that this point of becoming linked back to my own childhood is indicating that there are points of unrest still existing within me about how it played out and I have not fully come to terms with it.

 

When and as I see myself acting and speaking as some kind of authority on familial subjects based within this linkage back to my experiences I stop myself and breathe and realize that in those moments I am actually reacting to the situation and instead of passing on the fear from my own past I can practically assist the being in learning skills that I actually proficient which in this case is cooking skills to help him attain some means to support him and his possible family.

 

I commit myself to stop trying to project on to other this state of concern for them because of my own insecurities from the within my own experiences.

 

I commit myself to the realization that I am facing my own mind in those scenarios and that the practical thing to do is to immediately apply self forgiveness.

 

I commit myself to understanding the difference in bringing up a example from within my experience when it is pertinent to the situation but when it is based within a fear system then I should realize that the motivation behind my concerns and points of reference are mind based.

 

I commit myself to stop judging others against those references within my own head in which I compare them to the sort of characters that my own parents where and age and then from there judge them if they are worthy to have children in my eyes.

 

I commit myself to take accountability for the mistakes that I have made in my own life and to stop trying to vicariously avoid them in other beings, and realize that this is just a way of away from them myself and then passing off to the other that I know what I am talking about.

 

I commit myself to practically face those fears and triggers as they come up within my daily process and work with what comes up as a point of walking myself out one step at a time, one breathe at a time.

 

I commit myself to bring myself back here every time I find myself falling into the mind triggered through others situations of becoming parents or familial situations and effectively clearing myself into a non judgement of how others are being raised or raising kids.

 

I commit myself to see that the bigger picture here is the establishment of a world where children can grow into a expression of themselves in which there natural abilities and curiosities can be fulfilled without hindrance and without projections placed on them, and the best way to bring about this world is for myself to effectively become clear within myself and free from the mind.

 

I commit myself to stand as example of equality and oneness with life for myself and others, and not as a fear based mind construct.

101. Wanting to teach another.

So yesterday I had a volunteer in the kitchen from the shelter, a young guy 25 years old and he told me that he and his girlfriend might be having a baby. In a instant I switched into a more paternal mode and started talking about all the books that I have been reading about business and entrepreneurship, talking to him about everything I was learning. It was dawning on me that most of what I was saying was not getting through to him but I notice within myself this reaction of wanting to push harder, like somehow I was taking on this responsibility for him because he MIGHT have a baby.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to direct another beings path because I feel like I am older and more knowledgeable so I have something to give to this being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for jumping into a paternal mindset within myself when I heard that he might be having a baby with his father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the situation as he will not be able to handle the task of fatherhood so I allow this worry for the baby to infiltrate my mind and my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my past to become a factor within how I am interacting with others wherein I am not actually assisting in the areas that I am proficient in which would be assisting him within learning how to cook so he could get a job easier and support himself and possibly a family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my own experience with my father at the forefront of my view/opinion of others that are having children at a young age which is that they are still young and do not even know themselves that well yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another through my own direct programming of my emotional baggage of my childhood and not see how this is something the I should work out for myself instead of trying to pass/force onto others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I did not let him in on what I was learning that he would not have a chance to support himself and did not stop to realize that the point of learning about oneself is through action, through step up and treating another as oneself and if the opportunity arises to share then to choose to share unconditionally, instead I felt like I needed to share with this young man to get him back on track.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how within this I was off the tracks in allowing myself to become directed by my own fears and trigger points from the past, worrying about others lives as if they were my own life.

I’ll continue with this post.

93. Taxes part 3.

So picking up where I left of I can see that the charges that I have placed on the word taxes are in fact have been the reason for much of the procrastination and for the resistance of facing that task of doing my taxes. So from there I commit myself to stop the emotional responses that I have towards the word taxes and towards doing my taxes.

I commit myself to address my taxes as a point of self support where I am showing myself that I am willing to walk myself out of my fears and place myself here within the system while understanding that I can be in the system and not of the system.

I commit myself to stop the corruption within myself that stands as anger and jealousy towards those that choose to act in separation and see that the only way to move the world into one that is best for all is to stop my own involvement in the the separation within my own experience and in my own mind and stand as example.

I commit myself to bring myself back here into breathe when I see myself moving into a place of anger and shock at what I see within the world when it involves the use of taxes and money, the focus is to be here now in each breathe without participating in the mind through emotions/thoughts/feelings.

I commit myself to see that the continued and consistency of my daily process of writing will lead to the installation of solutions such as a Lig, Big, and eventually a Equal money system, to bring back the consideration, respect and gratitude that the Earth provides for me for free everyday in which I am currently are taxing it of without providing a service for it.

I commit myself to see how we as humanity are a a taxing force to Earth in all of our endeavors, and that within business and daily life something that can be supportive is the research and development of systems that do not degrade and pillage the Earth and may in fact increase the natural expression of Earth.

I commit myself to understand that a Ems would actually be the ultimate manifested form of this as it would take all points of natural relationships into account by way of understanding the equal value of all life and coming to a understanding that works the best for all life currently here and life to come.

I commit myself to understand that before I/we can get there the current systems in place will have to be accounted for and dealt with, and this would involve myself stabilizing myself within it. And committing to pushing myself every day to further my understanding within the current system to see how it works and from there become a being that takes active involvement within the financial and political system so as to stand in and as a steward of the Earth and all of its real time life systems.

I commit myself to stop fearing the current system and as a result do not move myself within taking the steps required to be self supportive, in this case is to catch up on doing my taxes so I can be up to date within all of my financial standings and educate myself on that point of the system.

And I commit myself to stop taking the advice and opinions of others as a point of reference towards this issue where I am then using this a excuse to not move myself like where I am here a point of positivity in the possible result so I just procrastinate and do not move myself, instead of being self directive and just doing them for the point of being up to date and walking myself forward through my daily experience towards becoming financial stable.

92. Taxes Pt 2.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see how the word taxes is really only a word. The primary definition of taxes is monies rendered for support of a service, so while it is true that perhaps in the current system as it stand the taxes rendered are not efficiently being used for service to the people around the world, in a EMS the cost of living and the cost of life would be factored into the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how a solution such as a Equal money system would rend the current system of taxation obsolete.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into despair about currently having to pay/do taxes instead of learning more about how they work so as to implement that information into how a Equal Money System would function, like what is supported through taxation and what does not have to be supported directly through taxation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in anger at the prospect that much of the taxes from peoples income goes towards projects and paychecks of people that I consider corrupt, not stopping to see my own corruption within this equation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually realize that those that I consider to be corrupt are actually one and equal with myself, and are allowed to continue within actions of inequality due to my own apathy and lack of compassion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that taxes will always be around not realizing that to be rid of the taxation system as it stands where one gives up 1/3 to 1/2 of there labor back to the system, that stopping the mind, standing up for life and the installation of a system designed to provide for each human being as well as support all life and the Earth is something that can and would be worth doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the current system of taxation is invariably a taxation on the Earth and is natural systems through depletion of the resources for profit and that this is unacceptable.

So when and as I see myself allowing myself to stand as fear of taxes and the taxation system through past beliefs of a conspiracy I stop and breathe realizing that despite the intentions of others within this world the point of focus and support should come back to myself and asking myself am I here now? Am I supporting myself as one and equal now?

When and as I see myself reacting with resistance to filing my taxes I stop and breathe reminding myself that this is me taking care of me so I can effectively function within the system as it stands.

When and as I see myself holding others within a motivational or as a point of responsibility for me learning about and doing my taxes I stop myself and breathe that I am the only one who will ultimately be able to walk myself out of my own separations, points of fear, and resistances.

When and as I see myself standing within and as knowledge and information as a point of self definition where I let the information control my actions in not participating in a function of the system because I associate the feeling of betrayal and corruption with doing taxes, I stop and breathe realizing that at this point there is no morality or justice within the system as a whole but the point is to become self honest, and trust myself to walk myself back into alignment with equality with life.

When and as I see myself standing still when I can see that the solutions of Lig, Big, and Ems are already placed right in-front of me, I stop myself and breathe and realize that all that I need to do is align myself with the principals of oneness and equality and commit myself in bringing about a world that is best for all life and walk that path without compromise into a real expression of who I am as life.

I’ll finish this up tomorrow.