103. Giving people what they want. Being clear. And am I doing the right thing?

 

So this one being at the shelter who I had a interaction with where I was giving out second’s on grilled cheese sandwiches he was first in line an he asked for “three pieces please”, and I told him no, he could have half a sandwich and when he was done he could come back and get another one if there was any left. What I was meaning was the when everyone else has gotten a second piece he could have another, I continue handing out seconds and maybe 10 people down the line I see him again with a bunch of people behind him, I felt upset because while it was obvious to me that what I meant was wait until everyone has had seconds and then you can have thirds. Well went he reach the front and I told him this he got angry and upset and stormed off.

 

The event played in my head for a while and I could see myself becoming upset and angry and justifying to myself, and this question of am I doing the right thing here circled in my mind. I can see that the food that we are preparing for the shelter clients is not the highest quality and we are required to give out a snack every day which is usually donated pastries from a bakery. I can see that when the snacks are put out some of the clients will take a large portion for themselves off the bat leaving none for others and these are client who I would observe to not really benefit in any way from the extra calories if I may put it that way…. they are obese. It’s my job and this is the way that the system there has been set up but to me I can see that there is a line drawn between distinguishing supporting the clients in their day vs actually supporting and adding to health problems and addictions with poor nutrition. I can see that there is some that really want to help themselves and that are attempting to break out of cycles within their addictions but others are really only perpetuating them, and on a level I am feeling somewhat responsible for those perpetuation’s.

 

I realize that this points have always been in my mind and are based within judgements of others in what I see and what I believe to be correct without actually standing within myself without movement.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I am doing something wrong by not giving out extra food to someone who is ask/demanding food from me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for other beings choices in how much they are choosing to eat.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other beings within the basis of my own criteria of what is proper eating habits.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel justified in not giving out food because I am somehow doing them a favour.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry when beings ask me for more food or special requests because I feel like somehow they are unable to control themselves when in fact I am seeing these systems not being in control reflecting within myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the other beings as just trying to get things from me and feeling like their words are only within a “banking for later” process.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is really only a judgement call on my part, and instead of communicating to them in a constructive way I am standing within a point of reluctance within myself and grudgingly giving over requests which are asked of me.

 

I forgive myself to understand the limitations of my job currently and understand that I cannot please everyone in the shelter and maintain the integrity within my job.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this job is a point of integrity within the system and not realize that it is actually only a manifestation of the inefficiency and representation of separation within the system.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the reality of myself being here now in the breathe and believing that what I am giving out to others is the the reality that defines me as good. NOT understanding that if I am not here, then good or bad really does not hold any weight, being here as one and equal will actually direct me without compromise.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to try to rationalize the actions after the fact because of a emotional response to adversity within other beings and not actually standing up within trusting myself and trusting my decisions in what to give out or what not to give out based within my bosses wishes.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to do my job I need be bound in chains by my bosses rules, and believe that I need to separate myself from the other beings at the shelter on some level and not see how I can still communicate as one and equal with them and explain myself and my actions effectively.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself within a emotional reaction to other beings outburst actually putting myself in a seat of responsibility of other beings emotions when this is unnecessary.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in fear of conflict and fearing the other beings taking my actions as a point to not like or respect me instead of standing up within myself and directing myself to a/the solution that is best for all within those situations.

 

I will continue along this subject in the next post.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s