105. Relishing favorable reactions.

 

So yesterday at work there was a client volunteering who had stayed at the shelter last summer and who I had gotten along with quite well at the time. I was glad to see him as I he had randomly popped into my head a few day before. We got to talking, and while it was cool to hear how he was turning his life around, on his feet again, and supporting himself, I noticed myself getting triggered into a state of total distraction from my work, I was just allowing myself to be pulled into his stories about what his life coming up to then had consisted up of and amazed at how he had pulled himself out of so much self dishonesty, anger, and fear. But within all of this I notice that within myself I was not stable I was excited and “high” on the conversation. I would utilize my breathe to bring myself back to the now but noticed that I would continue to let myself slide back into the excited reactions.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become excited when I seeing this person to the point where I lost control and focus on what I was doing within my work.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relish these reactions in such that I associate them as being “good” and making me feel alive.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become surprised and amazed at what this other being has gone through to such a extent that I actually start viewing my own life within a state of inferiority where I feel I have not gone through as much turmoil.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate a interesting life with turmoil wherein I see others based within a value system of judgement in which I see people who have faced more adversary as being more valuable and superior in their perspective.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for associating myself within this belief as a direct correlation and linkage within how I view myself and my own past and upbringing where I see myself as being more valuable and superior then others because of the turmoils in my upbringing.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as this character of turmoil, and not allowing myself to see that I am the one who is actually the one who is directing myself and not based within the amount of turmoil that I am able to handle or have experienced.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this character take over my awareness to the point where I became out of touch with the physical reality around me and I turn onto auto pilot and fail to be the directive expression within my experience.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bath in the energies that were flowing through at the time and not realizing that what I was experiencing was energies existing actually in the mind and that I was not here in and as breathe.

 

When and as I see myself distracted by the the stories of another being to the point where I do not actually have any focus on what I am doing in front of me I stop myself and breathe and see that what is actually happening is that I am allowing my mind consciousness system to relish and bath in the energies of anthers life experiences finding them exciting and enthralling.

 

I commit myself to push myself to notice when I am letting myself slide into a state in which I am not actually present but am existing within a state internal positive reaction and place the actual physical reality around me into a state of running on auto.

 

When and as I see myself become totally absorbed and taken into another beings life, or stories of their life, to the point where I start losing touch with the reality in front of me, I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is actually me placing myself in a position of inferiority and believing that I am something less then the story that I am hearing.

 

I commit myself to see that when another being is sharing there stories with me that to take them for what they are which is a story and does not affect me within and as who I stand as in this moment of breathe.

 

When and as I see myself believing that somehow another persons life has been more, or had a greater potential for self direction or success then my own life has, I stop myself and breathe, and realize that in placing a greater value in someone else’s life other then my own, I am not actually standing equal and one with myself within my experience.

 

I commit myself to have trust within myself and within the life that I am currently walking, and knowing that this process of walking myself to freedom is what will create a world where all can stand and live in what is best for all.

 

When and as I see myself becoming envious of another beings life of excitement and instability I stop myself and breathe and commit myself to actually look at what is being reflected to me within this envy, looking for what it is within me that is actually still tying to find coolness within separation.

 

I commit myself to see and realize that coolness within the context of what is best for all would be a manifestation of all as one as equal as life, and that allowing myself to be swept up within the addictive allure of becoming excited within stories is in actuality of the mind and not real.

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