So even though I have done forgiveness on it and look at it, still I have fallen on the point of porn and image. What am I missing because obviously I am not seeing some point within it all that is key to the final step within this point of taking it into practical application. Not that I am falling on this point every day, but over the past few months there have been a couple of falls and I still notice that there is a level of excitement when faced with images of females, or females on the street. Am I giving over power to the images? do I hold value within and as image and beauty still? If I know that watching and masturbation to pornography in fact supports rape in this world then is this just a matter of compassion? Why do I allow myself to continue in these falls when the whole time I am at war with myself within me? Is my mind that strong to push me to do something even though I “know” the consequence? I suppose that it is strong, but is it stronger then the choice that I have to or to not do/participate in something? No. I allow myself to be powerless in the face of my mind. I allow myself to fall. Maybe what I am missing is the clarity to see the mind when it is using my emotions against me. When I feel bad about what I have done so I believe in myself that I am horrible, evil, and powerless to change completely. So what would be the solution to this. Perhaps to just own up to the fact that I am making a choice here and that that system is always looking to hang on, always looking to survive and perpetuate itself within me. It does not want to be looked at it wants to be put into a-void. So seeing the system for what it is and realizing that it is my mind and not me and it is not real is the first step and then to actually stand up every single time it wants to take control of me through my emotions through my mind I stop, slow things down and see the system and breathe the 4 count breathe and realize that in that moment it is a point of choice, to fall, or to transcend. I also understand that what you feed within the mind will continue to live and grow in intensity so the opposite must be as time goes by and I stand the system will shrink and atrophy until it is no longer a definition of myself as who I really am as life. I will never escape what I have done that is fact, but I can change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the gift of forgiveness in not staying true to my word, and not understanding that my word is my bond and if I do not hold bond to my word then I am actually placing myself in a position of setting the stage to fall easier the next time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself when faced with a system that has constantly been looped within my experience for many years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care at times because I do not care, or have compassion in those times and that I am actually showing to myself that I really do not care and do not have compassion in any real sense if I can turn it on and turn it off when it is suited in my interests.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in and as the mind at war with itself and giving into that war and friction believing that this is real within me and not actually realizing that what is real is life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within myself I am unable to forgive myself and move past my history of abuse within pornography and my reactions to the female image.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing this forgiveness in a attempt to a-void-I’m-in the problem and just hope that it goes away trying my hardest to be a good boy and not actually taking the time to face the system and not seeing the pattern that emerges that it will continue to keep coming back until I deal with the point of separation within me.
I forgive myself for accepting myself to feel shame and guilt for continuously falling instead of taking a practical stand within the problem and completely letting go of this point. And realizing that there is a collusion between the point of emotional reaction and this point of falling back.
I commit myself to stop this pattern of feeling bad/sad/angry with myself within this point of falling and failure and actually take a practical stand within the principles of equality and oneness.
I commit myself to see that this choice is going to be there every time I am faced with this point so I will always be tested.
I commit myself to standing up within myself knowing that I cannot be caring and compassionate only sometimes and that a true expression of caring and compassion is not within words but actions and if my actions do not reflect my words that I am living within abuse of myself.
I commit myself to realize that I am the one that will have to take responsibility for these actions now or in death, but asking myself when facing these points in the future who would I like to live as and in what world would I prefer to be living in, one of rape and separation of one that is best for all.
I commit myself to stand up to my mind and actually take responsibility for what I have allowed within my experience and actually move forward with a better understanding of myself and as a point of reference for others who may be going through similar experiences so I may be a point of support.
I will continue tomorrow.