107. Finding whats missing. 106. Continued.

So I can see that there is the point of figuring out when and where this cycle of abuse began and originated from within my experience. If I look back there was a incident when I was a young, young boy, maybe 5-6 earlier perhaps, one of my earliest memories that I still recall. Where my mom would bring me over to these peoples house and there was this older boy, and I don’t remember much but I do remember him showing me pornography magazines and from there I remember acting out and the depictions in the magazines with the boy. Now being a young boy I do not remember much of the details of what went on, how many visits there were, who these people were, or even what city this was in, but I do remember being told by this other boy not to tell anyone what we were doing, and being scolded by the other boy when I almost exposed the magazines to another person in the house. And there on I suppose my perception of sex had begun as something that should be hidden and exploited in private. From this perspective I suppose I formed a certain opinion about sex at that time and it stuck with me ever since, I wanted to experience this bond that was depicted in the magazines, I suppose not unlike when people would like to emulate the stars in magazines and movies. My entire conceptualization of what normal sex is was skewed from a early point, and I can see now that it has escalated to this point now in my life where my mind is actually in control when I see a women on tv or on the street. Like a tornado picking up speed it got worse and worse as I got older and more voracious. Although the more voracious the porn system became inside me the more timid and internalized I became from the outside perspective unable to even start to talk to girls, to the point were this became a all encompassing character flaw within myself, I hated myself for it but the more that I internalized the more relied on porn to fill this desire for bonding.

So it seems like from what I can remember this would be the beginning of the cycle of initially being introduced to pornography, at quite a young age, which really actually sheds some perspective on the problem as a whole as with the advent of internet and the inception of instant porn wherever, whenever, many have access to a astonishing array of even more harmful and destructive forms of pornography then ever and available to small children at the touch of a button.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the point of reference within me is my childhood and idea’s and thoughts about marriage and bonding where adulterated from any sort of natural understanding of equality and oneness, through the depictions that I was exposed to in pornography.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to from that point onward to conceptualize the “bond” depicted within the pictures that I saw in the magazines was real and what the natural bond of humans was about, and from there never really stopping myself to question that, instead basing my understanding and preference of what I saw as sex and love to be something to do with image, and pictures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then take that opinion and close myself off from any other possible understanding where I could actually talk to another being about what I was experiencing where I form the belief within myself that sex was shameful and something that should not be talked about or be in the open but in the dark in the corner.
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find the experience of exposure exciting and intriguing because it was something that I should not have been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see at the time that if something is being hidden and tucked away from others and my parents then something must not be “correct” within it, and while at the time there was no conceptualization within myself of equality and oneness that this is the basis within which pornography stands within society, wherein the “correct” thing to do would actually stop the support that is given to pornography as support of the generation of energy within/for the mind, to actually stop the abuse that the industry of sex is actually responsible for.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to free myself from my conceptualizations about sex what it means and how to participate effectively.

The next time I am face with a situation where I begin to fall on this point of sexualizing a woman or have the urge to look at pictures of woman I commit myself to stop, slow down those thoughts, and breathe, stop the emotions and breathe, remember this realization within these words and understand that by participating in those thoughts, emotions, and actions would actually be saying to myself that I am a product of that one experience from my childhood where one system shared abuse with another system. Time to stop the cycle of system abuse.

I commit myself to stop this system of abuse within me through participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions  about pornography and the sexualizations that I have created within my mind about women.

I commit myself to realize that when I am faced with these points within me that what I am reacting to in reference is a longing for a bond with another.

When and as I see myself longing for a bond within another being I stop myself and breathe and realize that if I am longing/wanting something from another being that what I am really saying is that I want more for me then what I am willing to give of myself.

I commit myself to understand and walk the principal of give what I would like to receive within the principals of equality and oneness. Where what I am doing within and as sex is a reflection of who I am as me, who I am as sharing myself within the expression of myself with another being unconditionally, within the moment here and now in the breathe in the physical.

I commit myself to stop the mind within my experiences with sex, and instead make a point to actually explore myself within sex as a self expression here in and as the physical, and realize that the support of the physical human body through sex can be very cool and fun when nothing is taken back through expectations or visual preconditions of the mind.

I commit myself to take a stand within myself on this point and to be relentless within recognizing my points of past weakness and actively moving myself to support in those areas instead and realizing that this is actually a point that many face and that many have already faced and in walking this point out back unto equality and oneness within myself, that I lend my experiences and voice to creating a world that is best for all and that is free from abuse, where small children do not have to be exposed to sex in a unnatural way, and are supported within a expressive understanding instead.

 

I know that I am not finished with this point but I am finished for now.

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