127. Sf for 126.

So after today I have somewhat come to some more realizations on my situation that happened yesterday. I had one of the beings who I have previously had a altercation with and written about came into the kitchen today and started to tell me a little about his story, in that moment I recognized the point that some of these people are just not supported, and that I cannot support them from the perspective of solving anything for them, yet if I am able stop myself from living in reactions and judgements and really here then that this is actually a form of support.

And so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop and listen to the moment and instead of living in a desire to change/help another being, having the discipline to actually know when it is necessary to voice myself and when it is actually only my mind wanting to create a experience for myself where I can say that I helped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become self righteous where I start to believe that I know what is best for another being when actually I have not really even figured out what is best for myself yet.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable within myself in silence and understand that I do not need to feel like I need to fill the space with noise that actually is a manifestation of me being unaware of the moment and what this moment is actually calling for within equality and oneness within it here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept other beings as they are and instead focus on what they apparently need to fix within themselves and from there completely separate from self.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the other being as one with myself and allow myself to put myself fully into the other beings shoes and only seeing things from my own perspective and expectations in which everyone is open for advice and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a beings reactions personally where in I became offended by the other being when he yelled at me, not seeing how this is something that I cannot actually know or understand the real reason for and see that this not knowing why or this failure to fix the issue is what is really bothering me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to still hold myself within a position of wanting people to open up to me for advice and still wanting to direct people within there lives, not seeing that within this is actually a point of not trusting self within my own process and need to output knowledge and information to make myself feel complete.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to not see and realize that knowledge and information really is useless without the application of it in my daily life. If I cannot prove to myself that I am actually a changed being by containing myself when the situation does not call for anything to be shared and voiced then I have not actually learned anything about the nature of this process.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to be able to accept that another being is not ready to start working on themselves and that some beings will not be able to work on themselves until a long time. Because of the pre-programmed nature of humanity that many events will have to play out in real time before many will be able to effectively see the cause for walking this process. And in the meantime when I see myself becoming attached and invested to the idea that everyone must see this point now I stop myself and breathe, really seeing that I did not find myself walking in any sort of consistency until very recently myself and so stopping the blame and judgement towards beings who at this point in the process of earth are in a position of very little support and understanding of what is happening to them within their experiences and their own minds.

I commit myself to understand that I cannot for myself to be able to support these beings but rather to make myself available, yet realizing that sometimes I just need to remain silent and not try and push a moment in a direction that I see to have value and see that this is really just a formation of value created in my mind within ego and does not support equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my own self interest in the situation rule the outcome of it, where I was looking to maintain a specific time to leave work and allowed myself to feel frustrated and anxious when the pace was not being kept up with, not seeing the effect my impatience was having on the other being where I actually was not making myself available to the other being in space time where I support him in where he is at rather then holding him within my standards in washing the dishes.

I forgive myself for not seeing how I accepted and allowed myself to continue pushing the being even after I could see that he was becoming flustered and anxious to the point where I was basically predicting that he would not be able to handle it and blow up.

When and as I see myself getting impatient with another being when confronted with a mental illness within a being where there ability to maintain my own level of standards within activities and work, I stop, breathe, and bring myself back here remembering that this being is me with no exception that I may not be able to make a difference in any way that will substantially improve their life be being able to give them time and patience is at least showing myself that I am able to put in the time with a being unconditionally. Wherein this instance I did not.

I commit myself to give time to people who become intertwined within my experience as a point of supporting them despite it being something that I would otherwise not necessarily be of a standard that I hold myself to.

I commit myself to live the principle of equality and oneness with every being despite where they stand and how the experience themselves withing their experience when the situation is obvious that they are facing a difficult time within their mental state. Realizing that some people cannot be supported through words but actually require patience mainly.

Thanks that’s all for tonight. I will pick it up again tomorrow.

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126. The stage of silence and the consequences of not seeing the moment.

 

 

At the shelter I see a lot of people come and go, through the doors quite often there are some people coming through who are distressed and in a hard place mentally. So today I had someone volunteer to do the dinner dishes. Initially I did not really interfere with how the guy was doing the dishes and just concentrated on the other things that I had to do, but after awhile I noticed that he was taking quite a long time to get through the dishes so I started to help him. While helping I started to make small chat and giving some tips on how to wash the dishes more effectively. Quickly I noticed that he was having some difficulty inside his head, very long pauses between movements, and very slow to respond to anything that I was saying. I accidentally bumped into his jeans with my foot and I apologized with a smile, but could notice that there was genuine anger and resentment on his face and in his voice. Around this point I notice when looking back how within me there arose a voice saying maybe you can help this person. Well not really that blatant but more like a experience of feeling sorry or sympathetic towards the being, where I just wanted to make a difference and share. So I kept talking here and there and asking questions, to no response. At one point out of seemingly nowhere he burst out that he had just talked to his father on the phone and that his father had not said very nice things to him. I told him that I also did not have a very easy childhood and he agreed that was what he was going through. I asked him how old he was and again silence, so I just kept helping him with the dishes since he did not seem to be very focused, giving him a tip on how to make sure the dish-washing machine was running at all times by using a tray first and then setting up another rack while it is washing, he said he is going to do the cutlery first, I told him ok he can do the cutlery but the trays are right there ready to go in, just put one in and then set up the cutlery. He refused and said no, and looked confused and anxious. I was not about to argue the point so I left him alone but noticed that he had started to take his gloves off, so I assumed that he had enough. Another co worker was talking to me through the window so I answered the question he asked and turned back to the being who was taking off the apron, I asked him if he was alright, and he burst out yelling, “STOP TALKING, YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME!”. I just said sorry and went back to washing the dishes, saying to him that I was just wondering what he was planning to do since I was looking to be finished around 6. My initial reaction was laughter at how he had reacted to a seemingly innocent question, then I started to get defensive in such a way like disbelief that someone would behave like that when I was just trying to be friendly and make conversation. After talking to a coworker that had overheard the yelling, I had said and made a statement that perhaps this wasn’t the place for him and that maybe he might need some psychiatric help. He agreed and informed me that some of these people just have some mixed up priorities and I found out that the being that was just helping me had bought a pair of $150 jeans with his welfare cheque. (So I see why he was upset before when I bumped him) What I have noticed about myself within this situation is that this system of wanting to help people really came to the surface here within a very abrupt and direct manifested result in consequence. I can see that learning to focus on my own process at this point is the best option for me to move effectively at this point, to understand that until I can effectively establish a stable starting point within myself it is better to not try and influence people. I realize that as I walk my process opportunities to share will arise and that it will be necessary for me to express myself in those moments, but at this point I am noticing a lot of uncertain starting points of when I am choosing to voice myself and that this should be clear within this experience as a great example of the consequence when I am unable to see that the moment is really only calling for silence. Learning to not say anything is sometimes what is really necessary at this stage instead of trying to play Mr. Fix It.

 

Ok I will continue with self forgiveness within this.

125. Starting over. Where do I stand?

 

 

So there has been a somewhat broad yet conglomerated theme running through my experiences over the past few days in which I am looking at myself and where I am within my process and seeing some of the posts, vlogs, interviews, and hangouts that are being done within the Desteni group and that within all that I am finding myself at a crossroads. A point of self reflection where I am facing a point of uncertainty and longing within me. I see that within me that I would really like to become more involved, that I am standing in admiration and gratitude for those that are walking through the formative stages of this process of the journey back to life for the Earth and humanity. Yet what I am facing is a point of not understanding or seeing myself within all of this. Where do I fit, what are my own points of strength that can be added to the voice, I stand within a stage of looking inward and seeing in self honesty that perhaps I am not really ready and not quite stable enough to start sharing outside of my own process of walking myself out of my points of separation and ego. And this bares the point of remaining patient and not rushing myself like this is a race to become involved in a more public way. I can also see that there is fear of the day that I would make myself public, fear to have my face on screens around the internet, which is saying to me that perhaps I don’t not really take into consideration what is at stake and that the time will come to show my true colors and voice what I stand for for all to see without shame or to fade back into fear and solitude. Solitude from the perspective of standing alone in fear and separation and not solitude from a understanding that I alone am responsible for me within my world and that taking responsibility for me is a form of solitude that I can take on with courage.

 

At times it just seems so far away, like this is just the way it is and that there is nothing really wrong, and then at the same time I know and can see that there is definitely something that is inherently wrong with the way that I am living and that much of the things that I am taking for grated within my life is really actually quite fucked up. Like I am living in a dream that the water will always flow and that I will always be able to afford to live this same quality of life. It’s bizarre and revealing because I can see how my mind just wants to go, “it’s all good, just sit back relax and do what you have always done” and there is this other side, the actual me that is like trying to get some air… trying to breathe. I hear all of the points I learn it as knowledge, yet the integration of it into my life is proving to be the process.

 

So I know what must be done the solutions are here, the practical common sense thing to do is to continue in this process of writing myself out. To have patience with it, not to rush myself, because in trying to rush myself I am not accepting myself as where I am. I also need to understand that to gain self trust first must come self honesty and building the self agreement of what principles that I stand for within my life. To push myself within my day to move a little further find out what I am capable of and really start asking myself what are the things that I can do to really start making a practical difference at this point in my journey. Educating myself and find what I am finding myself to enjoy and what areas of this puzzle I can be most effective in applying myself in.

 

So with that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in fear of myself not attaining my goals within this process actually living within a projection of myself based within a comparison of others who are walking their own processes and only wanting to emulate them for my own self interest which is recognition.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be confuse and uncertain of why I am walking this process and stop myself and breathe when I find myself in a state of second guessing myself, realizing that this is really about doing what is best for myself which in turn is what is best for all because in committing to equalizing myself with life, I will be able to trust myself as well as be trusted by others to stand stable as a voice of oneness and equality for all.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in doubt of myself and that I will not be able to find my voice within the collective group and in such build walls around myself that stop me from reaching out and actually walking myself into the group participating in actuality.

 

When and as I see myself living the delusion of seeing and placing the group as a cool group to look up to but never actually seeing myself able to make a difference as well, I stop, breathe, and bring myself back here, and realize that within walking myself in earnestly back to life I will find the course that will lead me to participate.

 

I commit myself to stop the resistance to break the silence within me, communicating with myself in finding the point placement of who I really am as life and sharing that with others not just for the acceptance of the Desteni group.

 

I commit myself to realize that the Desteni group is actually not a group that exists within the context of a clique but rather is a collective of beings sharing the same principals of equality and oneness to bring about a world best for all and free from limitations of separation, and that any sort of mind creating alter agendas to gain gratitude or admiration from others is really just my own ego looking to fulfill its need for fuel.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes along the way within this process and being unwilling to walk through those mistakes in the public arena and not actually seeing or realizing that making myself vulnerable for all to see is really a exercise in self trust to build the point of just unconditionally placing myself out there and accepting the results no matter what. Seeing that if a point arises where I am able to correct myself through another being bringing something to light, I commit myself to be able to do that with openness and realize that those opportunities will not make themselves available if I do not make myself available to them.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty within myself for not starting this process sooner when I first came across the message of Desteni, and from there have placed myself in judgement of myself in which I feel I should be further ahead.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this way because of the knowledge and information that I have accumulated along the way.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if the knowledge and information is something that I help people with and not stopping to realize or understand that knowledge and information is useless unless I actually practically live it, I may have the knowledge of how to build a table or chair but unless I practically build the chair…. there is no chair. So when and as I see myself stuck in a place where I am feeling guilty because I feel like I should be further ahead because I know so much I stop myself and breathe, and realize that the only real knowledge that has value within this process is knowledge of how to stand and walk myself out of my mind, and this knowledge only has real value if it is used in conjunction with practical application of the knowledge. So I commit myself to walk my practical application one day at a time starting fresh every time I fall and look where I am fall and why and understanding that I will keep making these mistakes and not being able to see until it is done and I can see, it just takes taking on one point after another in each moment, and each breathe, living in self honesty.

124. Taking on Mom Pt 4.

So what I have come to realize about my situation with my mother is that while she is my mother the point and placement of a honor that is greater or worthy of some special treatment is in itself not valid, but the point of become enstranged and angry in response to this approach and beliefs from her are in fact just point of mind ego.

So when and as I see myself falling on the point of wanting to teach my mother the message of Desteni and place myself in a position of superior knowledge I stop myself and breathe.

And commit myself to realize that this is not my race for her to run and that the best thing that I can do is to coninue writing and learning and becoming more self honest and more clear within myself so eventually I will be able to handle and deal with any situation within the context of whats best for all, in the mean time learning how to be able to maintain that silence within me.

When and as I see myself putting a personl investment in the stability of my mother and putting so much effort in to fix her I stop myself and breathe, realizing that this is really a form of reflecting this back towards me that I am in need of fixing, that I am not ok within myself and that this is why I have such a hard time letting go of my Mothers turmoils.

I commit myself to see that taking on anothers problems is like trying to pull them around against their will, both becoming exhausted, and from this perspective this is a point of providing support and showing them the door when it is suitable but not standing around waiting for them or exhausting myself trying to drag another through that door, then realizing that I dragged the other through the wrong door because I was to busy dragging to see the signs that the right door is down the hall. Metephorically speaking.

When and as I see myself project back into a place where I start to see points of my past coming up where I am comparing a current situation with my Mom to the past I stop and breathe and realize that while the content may be similar to past events that the point of becoming exasperated and impatient with the present situation is showing that I am just living the reactions from the past.

And thus I commit myself to stop the mind in those moments and birth myself  back to the present in each moment and remember what is real in my world in that moment meaning that what I can see and what I can touch around me is what is real, and fixating and arguing on idea’s and beliefs about what is the proper way to conduct oneself is of knowledge and information because I have not integrated it into practical application within my life, be-earthing myself in every moment.

When and as I see myself standing in a position of improvement within how I deal and interact with my mother I stop myself and breathe and realize that this in itself is point of lowering my expectations within myself where I am just do not want to take full responsibility for myself and where partial improvement is acceptable and becomes something to be celebrated.

And thus I commit myself to continue moving myself and not hold nothing less them taking full responsibility as acceptable because I understand that my world will only change when I am able to stand in full view of myself and stand in complete self honesty and become equal and one with life within my experience and then I will know how to direct my world.

When and as I see myself standing in that position of just wanting to converse within a starting point of wanting to prove myself and demonstrate what I know to my Mother, I stop myself and breathe and realize that I am coming from a place starting within knowledge and information, and that I am actually not honoring myself within who I am as life as here, through the silence that is me and instead choosing to speak without awareness and only from a point of self interest. And thus I commit myself to stop my mind in attempting to sabotage me within the context of making it seem like I am trying to help my mother but really what I am trying to do is shake some concepts into her where she will stop creating this certain experience for me, acting actually only in self interest.

When and as I see myself becoming arrogant within my view of my Mother and others I stop myself and breathe and realize that what I am attempting to do is justify not actually remaining here within an excuse to feel upset by something another being is saying, and thus I commit myself to see the point that this is really another point of creating something out of nothing where I am placing blame on another so I do not have to remain here, stable, breathing.

When and as I see myself standing within a resentment to being told what to do and what to feel I stop myself and realize that this is really a point of a showcasing the reactions and systems that still exist within me concerning authority within my world and not fully accepting myself within self trust, which is actually starting from a lack of self honesty in that moment. And so I commit myself to in the moment to stop my inclination to speak and self honestly have a look at what I am wanting to say and question if what I want to say is born out of a necessity of expression or born out of a rebellion from authority.

I commit myself to explore this point of feeling like I have to fight back when faced with authority or anger within my experiences, and why I always seem to slump down into myself when faced with a point of authority coming from my mother or others.

When and as I see myself placing myself in a infearior position to these points of authority to the point where I become fed up within myself I stop myself and breathe and realize that while the point of expression will make itself clear and apparent when I am ready, the point remains that at this time it will be better and more supportive to say nothing then to speak from the mind, from self interest born within thoughts feelings and emotions.

And so I commit myself to maintain my composure from the perspective of staying present, here, within breathe when faced with these situations and practice self honesty with myself at this stage within my process where I can see that I still having trouble controlling my judgements and reactions andSS to understand that breathing is crucil to gaining stability within my process in self honesty, and approaching my process with the total commitment of displine and detail that it requires.

123. Taking on Mom pt 3.

 

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand in patience of others to the point where I am reluctant to even deal with another being by returning a phone call or by being willing to here them in conversations.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that the time that is spent listening to my Mother is time that is wasted because I feel helpless to know how to assist and support her effectively, and accept and allowing this to manifest as fear and frustration within me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain in those end points of reaction to all of the situations that are having to do with my mother because of the history that I share with her.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use that history as a self definition where I am requiring myself to take what my Mom’s words for some kind of hope value in the sense where I want to believe her when she says that she unconditionally loves me, but recognizing that this is actually a point of self interest most likely.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall from this point of wanting to be accepted and care about by my parents yet coming from the other side of the coin where I start to compare what is being said with what has been done and I do not trust the other, which is actually saying that I do not trust myself to stand within the point and principle of being equal and one with the other.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is actually leading to a breakdown of communication between my mother and I because we are both acting within the point of knowledge and information still in the form of beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and feelings when it comes to how we interact and not accepting myself to see the point of remaining here and not defining myself by anything that is being spoken of the mind of other beings, simply remaining here within myself and not invested in the information.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty at the prospect of this idea of pretending that I agree with the things that she is saying because I fear that if I do not hold my position and fight for my opinion and understanding with her that I am losing myself and part of me is dying.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself as the realization that at this point I have yet to have really live within the context of being actually one and equal to life within the fullest extent of my potential.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this whole idea of wanting my Mother to understand is really a next layer of who I am accepting and allowing myself to define myself as within my ego’s requirement to feel sated, not stopping myself to see that within this that actually accepting myself as life requires no one else to see or realize me as the expression of life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the point that actually standing up is sometimes letting go of the point of trying to converse with another being and that the best and most common sense action in certain cases is to just walk my own process and work towards becoming a stable living example of equality and oneness with life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within the point of viewing myself as the creator of pain for my mother and existing with the guilt from that self view, and from there creating a anger point in attempt justify my actions from 10 years ago by living within the eye for an eye mentality of blame.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the being is really only showing themselves within their expression of their own feelings and emotions about themselves projected outwards towards me and that I should not be taking these things personally ever, instead to stand as support for that person if they are able to see in any willingness to change themselves.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and be ok with the fact that many of the situations and emotions/reactions that are being brought up with my Mother are from the past and as such will inevitably take much time to work through and that I cannot look for magic word to say that will snap her out of it or make her see. But rather committing myself to breathe and take each point with care and and with a point of understanding that this may or may not work out and that is not up to me to make the changes for another but only be there as support as their equal, standing as and within that as myself.

122. Just for certainty’s sake.

 

 

So continuing on with my last couple of post’s, I faced an additional interaction with my Mother last night in which she called my partners phone (currently I do not have one) and left messages for me to call her back, initially I noticed that I just kind of automatically put in into a place of “I’ll get to it when I get to it” and placing it in a unimportant position within what I was doing at the time. So later on in the evening my partner told me that I had missed another call from her and so I decided to call her then. She answered the call and I was greeted with a friendly voice telling me that she was still a little uneasy about something I had said yesterday to her along the lines of her not trusting me and she wanting me to just be certain about how she feels. I remembered what I had said and told her that what I was trying to get across was not that I didn’t think that she did not trust me but rather to trust me today that I will be ok tomorrow in the sense that I am able to sort out my life. Which seemed to be at the time a point of concern for her through the subject matter that was coming through. The integrity of my life that is. So the conversation from there kind of went into a lot of directions in which I cannot really recall the focal point, which is a experience that I have often when interacting with my Mother. But the main point that I am getting at within this post is that I started to really notice that I may not be able to express myself within what I have come to understand from Desteni in any kind of detail or specifics when talking with Mom, because what she tells me is that she will never let go and never stop caring about me as my mother and love me unconditionally until she dies. At parts of the call she started to get into points within the past concerning me and my Sisters where she was highlighting the fact that when I walked away from home at 18 the amount of pain that I put her through and how much pain that my Sister’s have put her through, and how I could not imagine. I told her how I would like to be able to just have experiences with her where we a able to just be there present and not constantly be looking into the past for the “missing pieces”, explained through the experiences that she has gone through in her life, and that these thing will come through in time if we are able to walk them out slowly instead of consistantly trying to cover all the point all in one go every time that we converse. I suppose that I am ranting a little bit at this point, but I am just trying to express the situation the best that I can. The thing is that the way she talks to me is this point of saying to me that I am broken because of x or y event with my Dad and how she made mistakes in her life but others did to and they are not taking responsibility for them. In those moments I just want to say who cares about that, we as individuals cannot help the choices of others now and especially not then, and that I personally am taking steps towards dealing with my own reactions to those events from the past. But I have tried this before and it was not seen or recognized, just ignored, so this time I saw that same urge to defend myself but stopped myself and breathed through it. Eventually I had to cut in and stop the conversation because there look to be no end in sight and my dinner had been sitting cold for the past 45 minutes, so I told her that I was going to go and she reassured me with certainty that she’s my mother and that she will always love me unconditionally, I said good night. What I see as the main points to realize through this is that no matter what another being is trying to convince me about myself or what I need to do or feel in my life that I should remain the directive principal within me. To not allow myself to take offense when another is telling me I am broken because of such and such and really find the patience to walk with beings within my immediate experience even if they are not at this point open to viewing themselves self honestly. But also to not allow myself to waste time in arena’s where all the other being is looking for is a point of conflict and friction. Also recognizing that there is a lot of fear that can be a part of our experiences and that we can express this as a manifestation of trying to fix or reach out for the relationships we are experiencing and that can take the form or concern or worry for another being whom we are defining ourselves by within our own lives, so highlighting that tendency within myself and my relationships with beings that I consider close to me and not judge myself for those moments but to understand them in specificity. Thanks, I will continue with sf on this subject the best I can in the next post as while these are two different experiences in space time they are quite linked in subject matter and reactions.

121. Taking on Mom pt 2.

 

 

So I did not wake up early this morning so I am continuing this now.

 

Sooo,

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand apart from my mother within and as belief systems where I would like my mother to see things from the my own perspective, essentially wanting to fix her pain and suffering through the exchange of knowledge and information.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within a past experience with my Mother where I am holding myself in a view of improvement when facing interactions with my mother instead of remain here in the breathe without compromise and under the guise of making progress.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my history and experience within the way that I was brought up to dictate how I deal with and feel like I need to communicate with my mother.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to shield her from herself where I slip into a point of wanting her to see herself, and not realizing that the change that I would like to see in others MUST come through myself first in which I am able to maintain myself through stopping my mind and not participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions and judgements when faced with interactions with her.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if this relationship is more important the any other relationship especially the one that I have with myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within the idea of holding relationships, and not realizing that the relationships that I am attempting to hold on to are actually ones that support the mind.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is a matter of remaining present and that any kind of desire to have another being to see or change through my words is actually taking the interaction out of context of expression into the realm of self interest where I am looking to support my own mind’s survival.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger and resentment when face with my Mom attempting to parent me and not actually seeing how she is showing me the points that still exist within concerning authority and self trust.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not show patience when faced with a situation in which I begin to view with discomfort and not wanting to here negative words, showing that I still stand within fear of negativity and not understanding and accepting where others are at within there lives and realizations.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by and within my Mother’s life and life choices instead of being able to stand by her within physical support even while recognizing where and how the line is drawn within what she is able to see at this time.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow down within my understanding of how this process works and instead desire change to happen instantaneously and not seeing how this is unrealistic and selfish from the perspective that I am still learning and understanding my own self and process.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my view of the world is of more value then my mothers and not seeing how this is only a perception of how I understand the Desteni message to be within a recollection of knowledge and information.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually be a living example of the Desteni message where I can stand within myself with no reactions and no movement when faced with another being telling me how I am and what I represent even though I realize that what I am being told is said within the mind of another.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I am required to stand my ground and that it is absolutely necessary to convince my mother to see that she is operating within a state of ego and not see that I am only seeing the reflection of myself within the interaction. Instead of letting it go and being able to stand calm within myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the point in which I am able to stand one and equal with my mother even when it is clear that the mind of another is active within the words of another, realizing that I do not need the other being to understand where I am coming from to be one and equal with them, in fact the point is that we are already one and equal and the idea that we are not is actually the manifestation of mind within myself as well.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy in to the trap of family, in which I am allowing myself to place a higher priority or expectation of myself within how I deal with those who share the same DNA as me not realizing that for most part this will be MORE difficult to navigate within my particular situation.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing this difficulty as a point of understanding and realization within how I conduct myself with family and see how this will take time and consistency on my part to become effective in.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this point to become and remain a point of self pity within my experience where I start to fall within a depression of “poor me” mentality and that I have identified myself with a very negative stance within how I view having to deal with my Parents.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see this point as a point of strength within me and provided me with the ability to actually see myself more clearly throughout my life and allowed me to be open to the message of equality and oneness.

 

Tbc.

120. Taking on Mom.

 

 

So I had a visit with my Mom today all in all it was quite a pleasant time. I have had plenty of experiences within the past where I haven’t exactly maintained myself within my composure within the conversation… at all really. I mean talking with my Mom can be somewhat of a difficult endeavor and have in the past become extremely emotionally charged and reactive within how I deal with it. To the point where I would just feel like I was having all the energy pulled out of me and cannot process the situation make sense of what is being said and ultimately end up blowing up and having to leave.

What I have noticed though is since I have been off weed the past year and taking on myself within my process in a more substantial way that the visits with Mom have become more and more stable within the perspective of my reactions to her and my ability to breathe through the situations that would have made me lose my shit before.

This is cool, and while there still where reactions within my experience with her today I was able to not take the things that she was saying personally and not let myself be pulled too deeply into a belief war as most of the time when there is subject matter that comes into the flow of the conversation the experience starts to take a turn for the worse.

The situation in more detail goes as this, where I went to visit her at her place and walk with her to get her blood taken for a test. Afterwards we went to Tim Horton’s (Canadian Coffee place) for a iced cap. As we walked up the street back towards her place we were approached by a couple of Mormon missionary’s (another point to take on but I’ll stick to this one about my mom for now) asking us about our views and beliefs about God and Jesus. My Mom asked some questions about what their perspective was on the holy spirit, and after the young man told my Mom what the Mormon view was she was satisfied. I was asked about my views and I told him that I was a atheist and explained myself. Anyways we left and started walking up the street again and my Mom started talking about how there is a war going on in the world and there is the side of god or the side of the devil and how it is the devil/Satan that is influencing people through there thoughts, and how sometimes she has these thoughts and that she goes “where the hell did that come from” suggesting that they are from the Satan. So at this point I decided to speak up and talk about my understanding of thoughts and how placing the responsibility of the thoughts we have into realm of god or the devil is a abdication of that responsibility and self honesty. So when talking with my Mom as her son there is a point of being talked over so making a point to finish expressing myself within what I was saying without accepting myself to be interrupted. Then letting her continue when I was finished. Breathing and checking myself throughout. We reached a park and took a seat on a bench where the conversation took a turn towards family and the roles of family units and I said something about how small children are there to teach parents from the perspective of living in the moment and living within equality with no judgement and that they start to take on the beliefs through time and experience especially within the current familial paradigm. So at this point my Mom started to become upset at some of the things that I was saying and the conversation started to become more hard to understand in the context of recognizing a coherent point. I was losing myself within it and a just resorted to focusing on myself breathing, my Mom was reaching a peak where she was yelling, screaming, and crying in my face. I suggested that we stop the conversation and that maybe it was time for me to go since I seemed as if I was upsetting her but she said no and that I was just running away from the issues. So I stayed and listened, contributing here and there, but mainly staying within myself and attempting to stop the reactions and thoughts as they came up through-out the conversation. eventually we left the park and continued that conversation as we walked up the street, breathing as best as I could and remaining calm within myself.

While I noticed a great improvement in myself to remain stable within myself when faced with this particular situation, I did notice that I did still have some reactions when faced with anger being directed at me and with the point of my Mom telling me who I am, and what my beliefs are. Also when she told me that I cannot understand because I do not have children and that I will be in for a wake up call when I have kids and me somewhat breaking down and saying in response that from where I am at in my experience I could not imagine talking to my child the way that I was being talked to right now.

So yeah all in all I did not walk away from the visit in anger or resentment, actually quite the opposite where by when the time to go came around the argument was all but forgotten by here and she was actually hearing me within some of the points that I was bringing up. It was a cool experience to see the improvement, yet still some room to get better and stop the reactions completely.

 

I will continue with my self forgiveness and self corrective statements in the morning.

119. 116. continued.

 

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that through effective planning and effective time management I can really make my days full from the perspective of achieving everything that I set out to accomplish.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this will lead into the experience of myself learning to make the most of myself in all situations and not let myself slide just because of the emotional response of “I don’t feel like it”, and instead seeing and realizing the value in doing it for myself no matter what happens.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt when faced with a point in which I do not fully push myself through and realize that in those moment this is signifying that I am just not fully there yet and that this will come and develop through time and that I should not live within this as discouragement or guilt as this will only perpetuate more of the same system.

 

And so when and as I see myself falling on the point of self motivation I stop myself and breathe realizing that while this is a process i actually have to participate within my own accord to move with any kind of actuality. That treating this like homework or any kind of chore that I need to push myself to complete is missing the point and so I commit myself to actually work and push myself through these resistances and see that despite the day, the intimacy that writing can gift to myself is something that should be cherished within myself at this time.

 

I commit myself to expose myself to me so as to take charge in my life and really push myself to stop the systems of wanting to become someone special, I breathe when faced with these points of wanting to superior and commit myself to see the other beings within existence as one and equal with me, as me.

 

I commit myself to realize that the practical application of my writing is proof to myself that I am taking the necessary steps in bringing myself back one and equal with life and that no amount of writing will change me unless it is walked through into a practical reality.

 

I commit myself to see that difference and change myself within my approach to writing in which when I write it is simply me communicating with me and that regarding it within the context of a task or undesirable will always lead and end with a contradiction within me.

 

When and as I see myself living within this contradiction I stop myself and breath, realizing that I am out of alignment within my view of myself, and bring myself back here within the words that I write and within the words that I speak.

 

When and as I see myself living in direct comparison with others walking there own process I stop myself and breathe and realize that within this journey back to life there will most definitely be others that are at a different stage then I am and that this is not a reason to become emotional or react in jealousy.

 

Instead I commit myself to see those that have walked before me as leaders from the perspective of placing out the path in front of me so I do not have to make mistakes that I may, or most certainly have made on my own.

 

When and as I see myself living within a fear of a projected image of myself in the future I stop myself and breathe and bring myself back into the present moment realizing that this moment is really that only thing that actually exists and that the unfettered projection creations that I make for myself whether they are + or – are actually only taking place in my mind.

 

So I commit myself to stop the projections that I hold myself to and reconsider that what is important is how I am viewing myself within this present moment and living within the principles of equality and oneness in this moment because otherwise I will create systems of self judgement through the expectations of those future projections.

 

When and as I find myself in a experience of guilt within not getting around to my writing or responsibilities for the day I stop myself and breathe and remind myself that this is the way of the mind to entrap me further in which the reaction of feeling guilty creates friction within me and will not support an actuality of self expression within this process but rather a split personality with the starting point anchored within guilt.

 

And so I commit myself to stop the guilt and actually communicate with myself from the starting point of self care and trust within myself instead of only doing this because a guilty party says I should, learning once and for all that self expression is walking this process and not just words.

 

When and as I see myself running short on patience and becoming frustrated within how I experience myself within my process and writing, I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is really a point of committing to myself within and as all of what my mind is going to put in front of me and that it requires the will to persevere whenever I am faced with this point of not wanting to continue and as such I commit myself to recall these points when I am afraid of continuing onward because my mind is presenting me with situations and scenarios that I would otherwise fall back on.

 

I commit myself to know that I am strong enough to move myself through this process and commit to the softness and patience with self that it will entail throughout all of my mistakes within it.

 

Thanks.

118. Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize that this split of interest is me only viewing the sitation within and as a point of knowledge or projection of what the world could turn out or look like within equality and oneness and not actually taking the steps within myself or not wanting to because I find that road to hard and ardous.

I forgive muself for not accepting and allowing myself to form this intimacy within myself from the get go within walking this process in which I could have started with a view of myself in which I an see that I am a individual within the whole, and from there start to participate naturally intead of viewing myself from the outside looking in and gathering knowledge yet not exploring and sharing myself and forming a habit of segregation within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly think that I am catching up and from there finding that the task is to much, or pointless because I am behind, an in that totally missing the point of self intimacy and self honesty because I have only learned to judge and gauge myself in terms of where other people are at and viewing them as being so far ahead and that I am behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that where I am at in my process is a boring or unimportant, repetitive thing in which I wish was over and not seeing how this is again taking this intimacy into a realm of homework instead of being a form of communicating with myself and getting to understand me for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the ego to constantly interject in this process in bringing to the forfront all of the other points that I would rather be doing within my day and experence and not stopping to recognize that these are actally diversions created to keep me from really experiencing me within myself as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in and as the fear of losing myself through self exploration in which I would have to “give in” and “give up” all of the things that I define myself to like or enjoy to be able to free mysef from my mind. Not stopping for a second and realizing that I as this process is not denial but actualy a process of “giving in” to myself my real self within and as equality and oneness with life where I can actually stand as a creating a version of myself where I respect me, trust me, and really become effective within the way that I represent myself within my actions and words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back on the basis that I tend to view my experiences within a view “entrepenuerial” viewpoint where I live in the future, and imagine what could be, and not developing and not wanting to develop the other parts of the equation which is to be able to sort and organize this process and to actually want to walk through it practically. And such get stuck at the crossroads of actually wanting to put in the time actually doing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thing that somehow I will just get there without applying myself in real time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become a practical planner of my days and come up with a flexible way to fit all of my requirements into it where I am really satisfing all of the aspects of myself, where everything gets done yet there is time for relaxing and time to focus on intimacy with my partner as well.

Tbc.