109. Becoming my own Author.

So I will continue here with yesterdays post as I did not get to it yesterday.


I see the point of having the opportunity become the directive force within my life instead of being a being in the throes of my mind, where I am afraid of so many things.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be the directive force within my experience because I am afraid of repercussions and imaginary persecution for standing up within myself.


When and as I see myself afraid of placing myself in and speaking up within a confrontation or exchange I stop myself and breathe and realize that I must become the author within my life to the point where I can effectively stop the mind from writing my path and actually become the become the principle force behind walking myself back to life.


When and as I see myself in a situation/relationship with my boss where I start to loss myself within fears of being the subject of authority I stop myself and breathe and realize that in those moments I am really only afraid of losing myself to another being and do not stop long enough from the fear to understand that this is only possible through a acceptance and allowance of this feeling of subjugation.


When and as I see myself placing myself within a sphere if inferiority I stop myself and breathe and see the point in which I am actually unwilling to standing within myself and build self trust in what I would like to do as a person and take the necessary step to attain those goals.


When and as I see myself feeling myself get sick to my stomach because of nervousness of a confrontation I stop myself and breathe and realize that those moments are points of transcendence within myself as I am facing my preprogrammed nature to stay the same and remain in same place rather then direct myself effectively and confidently in this world.


I commit myself to stop the inferiority complex that I have when it comes to people that I perceive to be authority figures in my life and realize that if a being is trying to place themselves within a position of greater importance or value that this is not something that I can control, but what I can control is the reactions and starting points within me and how I view myself and the other being in which the common sense and practical principals of oneness and the equality equation are paramount.


I commit myself to become the actual author I see within my experience in which I stop outsourcing myself to other beings to define what is ok and what is not ok within what I would like to do, instead walking and working within the process of my journey back to life into equality with it and myself.


I commit myself to realize that when I am placing my into that position I am actually setting myself up to judge others on their decisions, motives, beliefs because I am actually not taking control of the aspects of my own experience that I am able to and then judging others for apparently holding power over me.


I commit myself to stop the judgements of others and realize that sometimes people will become angry or upset with me and that this is no reason to hide myself, in reality I cannot predict when someone will become angry or emotional I can only do my best to understand myself and behave according to the principles that I am learning about, to stop the reactions of fear to/of retribution in my mind just because others may not like my decisions or where I stand and stop thinking that I need everyone’s approval because I must face the fact that at this point that will not happen and is not relevant anyway.


I commit myself to be straight when talking to my boss where I do not beat around the bush trying to skirt around confrontation and instead become the author of my life and just say what my intentions are and if that is upsetting or inconvenient, come to the realization that is not my problem unless I allow it to become my problem, but in making it a personal point to make it my problem I instead hold myself back into a position of stagnation, where I unable to move forward when I can see the requirement.


I commit myself to stop the cycles that exist within me as reactions where I am constantly judging the situations from a starting point of past incidents, and past patterns, and not allowing myself to be here present in the breathe totally present without compromising myself then I will begin to be able to stand and compose myself with a better sense of self integrity as I walk myself through this journey.


Ok this is where I will stop for now as I am out of time for now.


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