I had a experience on Wednesday at work with one of the residents that lives upstairs frequently volunteers in the kitchen. What happened is that the shelter manager came into the kitchen with a bag of granola bars and some juice boxes for the lunch bags for people who are go to work and are unable to be there for the cooked lunch. So what happened is that I was focusing on cutting something up and the resident came over and picked up one of the juice boxes and asked if he can have one, I looked over and said better not. At that he stormed out of the kitchen, not asking a reason why or anything just getting angry and leaving. Yesterday one of my co workers came up to me and confronted me telling me that I was required to give this resident a apology for saying no to him. I explained my reasoning behind it which was because the manager had just brought those things in specifically for the lunch bags just moments before and the kitchen was full of volunteers at the time so opening the door for everyone to ask for something when my job outline is not to give out things at all. Also this resident volunteers often mostly once per day and I usually offer him a dessert or a meal for giving his time, but stated that if he is going to lose his temper and become angry because I said no once then I’m beginning to see that maybe he is volunteering for the wrong reasons, and coming to expect something which should not be the primary reason why one would volunteer time. None the less my mind had a field day with this and kept running the scenario around in my head for the rest of my shift justifying, analyzing, questioning, rationalizing. The fact is that I made the statement “better not” and this whole thing started, I had a reason for this and I should be able to trust myself within that reason. Initially I did not have any reaction or doubt about not giving out the juice box, but when I was told that I was at fault for making him angry, I went into all sorts of self doubts again about making the right decision and if I should just be giving out anything that anyone asks for in the kitchen, about if I would ever be able to be comfortable in a position of management and setting and adhering to rules. I see that within myself I have always had some kind of adverse standing with rules and people that impose rules but I have learned in the passing months that I will need to learn how to set and stand by a system of rules to effectively run any business. So staying on point I was just overwhelmed by this thought pattern with this incident replaying in my head to apparently trying to make myself ok with myself for this decision.
So I am running out of time so I will continue with the self forgiveness and self corrective statements later.