So I’m not so sure what this post is about so much so I am just going to write. I watched a documentary yesterday called “Dirty wars” and it was about a secret arm of the military going around carrying out night raids all over the world, busting down doors in countries that are not even in any declared war zones. When I watched this documentary there was a strong nostalgia towards earlier times when I used to be much more into conspiracy, a feelings of anger with undertones of dread, a sadness to see that these types of things are happening. I just felt split in two as here I am sitting in my apartment here in Vancouver, the sun is shinning, the birds are chirping, its spring everything seems fine where I am but at the same time everything is getting worse so it seems. There are plans in motion to continue the killings the lists of people to die are growing, there are two worlds existing so it seems. Cognitive dissonance is what its called I think. Sometimes all of this gets a little overwhelming and all I want to do is hide from it, hide from it inside my head, inside my emotions, saying to myself that its to bad people are dying, to bad people are literally starving. Then I start to fantasize about how brave this guy must be to go into these countries to get these stories to risk his own safety within some of the most cut off and dangerous places to go on the planet today, then returning to the US and placing himself at risk within his home country as well by exposing these things going on. I questioned myself and my own fortitude, barely venturing out of my own small bubble, never pushing myself beyond the walls of my own comfort. Who am I? I start to judge myself. The man in the video say’s something along the lines of returning home is mundane after being in a war zone. Mundane is the life I live in, where war is finding what cook for dinner from the slew of restaurants and grocery stores and journalism is watching the tube. But what more can I do about it? I know the answers but have not completely accepted them into my experience. How can life be mundane within breathe? When living within what is happening now how can I say I am bored, when it has been shown there is much to do still? I do have a part if I choose to walk it within all my capabilities. To stand equal and one within myself as life is something that takes courage in itself, standing up for the abuse in this world is dangerous wherein I become the minority and the enemy of state. In the suggestion of stop the mind those that you would assume are allies suddenly attack. But yet I have to persevere because I see the need for people that are free within themselves to fill the place of those that would only act within self interest. To replace the greed with integrity I must myself form grit and trust with myself in my own day to day living until there is no more self doubt, no more self dishonesty, not one shred of fear of what may come or what might happen to me but only doing, standing and walking.
The truth is that sometimes I just get so depressed, an addiction to the negative. I have had a history of depression but never really taken it on in my life I suppose that the solution has always been to cover it up, with anger and disbelief. With smiles and laughter. And what I am noticing is that the turmoil in the world triggers it within me, just as I am making some progress, a point is brought forth where I see something that is totally inhuman and I lose it and break down, and I mean I suppose this is natural in some sense when faced with the unnatural and despicable, but the point of accepting and allowing myself to become hopeless and falling into the pit within myself is what I am facing here. Which brings hope to the forefront of examination. If these documentary’s are triggering such a profound and effective reaction in rendering me hopeless it is obvious to see that there is some essence of hope that I am still moving myself within when I walk around doing my daily life. which means that I am not actually directing myself as a expression of self but really living in fear, because I am using this hope of getting better and hope of doing the right thing to guide me, really turning over my responsibilities to the wind. In my relationships with people I have always taken the stance of hoping that they will get better, rather then taking the drivers seat and moving myself into a position of self honesty and expression, within them (my general relationships) I am self dishonest and hope they improve, but they don’t, I just sacrifice myself and become distraught and depressed within myself. So the obvious thing to look at here is why do I still allow hope to be that guiding factor in my experience? Why do I not stand up and walk myself out of hope into action? Why is this fear of falling so strong that I would rather leave things to chance than to actually do something that will give integrity and a point of actual awareness of what I am choosing to do within each and every breathe I take? To face myself in all the negativity that I have built around me and understand that its all there because I have refused to actually stand up and take a serious look at myself, that every time I choose to say to myself I’ll just tuck that away for later I am actually tucking myself away a little deeper into myself. I have got to really realize what I am doing here and what I am standing for, it has reach a point where most of my day I am faced with questions and worries within myself concerning my process and if I will get better, and all while forgetting that the truth is that I am already here. It is just the walking out through the chatter one system at a time that is the task at hand. So with that I will finish up this post. There are many points that I see will need to be examined and exposed in more detail over the coming days but I will finish up this one by saying that, when and as I see myself falling into myself spiraling back into a state of depression brought on through a system of hope that is still directing me through-out my day I stop myself and breathe and realize, sitting, wishing, hoping will not solve anything within me or without me and thus I commit myself to become a being of action and of building and breathing myself into a pillar and example of integrity in this world bringing about equality and oneness within me by first applying self honesty and self corrective action in deconstructing myself as the mind consciousness systems that I have allowed and accepted to exist within me without question for span of my existence here on earth.