114. One point at a time.

 

 

So I suppose that I will start within the beginning of my “tirade”. The documentary.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with emotions of dread and dispare when watching this documentary.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry at the system.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the present moment and allow myself to be totally absorbed within the documentary to the point where that becomes my reality.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take on the information in the documentary as a point of teaching myself about how the world is currently functioning and instead of taking a emotional investment in the video.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within my thoughts whilst watching the documentary where I am thinking things like “wow this guy has some courage going into these places”, “I wish I could be so brave”, “its so glorious to be in a position to die for and stand in the face of terror” not realizing that I am really downplaying myself and my own capabilities in this world where I am judging myself against another beings achievements and accomplishments rather then bringing my experience back to myself and pushing forward within my own experience.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this is a lust for recognition and a fame that I am really at conflict with in myself, where I want to be remembered in some way, and respected, not seeing that I am not actually respecting myself and remembering myself and my responsibilities within bringing myself back to life in my daily experience.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for shortcuts in desiring myself to live forever in the consciousness of others through doing dangerous and exciting things in my life, rather then taking on myself for myself here in recreating myself in the the breathe and facing myself here and actually living now rather then forever in others minds.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that this desire is actually only taking place inside my own mind.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sadness for the scenes and situations that people in the video where facing where I would start to feel depressed that the families in the videos had members murdered in the middle of the night in the name of terrorism.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with what I heard within who was carrying out the night raids and labelling them, the US military, the terrorists and not actually coming to the realization that terrorism is a tool in this world for self interest in the name of sovereignty for any that want to utilize it and not realizing that the real solution to terrorism is equality and that the can only take place as a global manifestation is one by one, each person brings oneself back to life as equality with life, through stopping the mind, stopping ones/my own level of separations and participation in those systems.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bored within my daily life in comparison with the life I saw of the reporter in the documentary in which I feel like what I am doing in my life has/will not have as much/any real effect in this world and do not stop myself long enough to realize that what prevents me from actually standing up within myself and taking action is precisely these points of being to afraid to move myself, to worried of what may happen to me to speak up for life, and put myself on the line despite what may come of it.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become jealous of the experience that another being is having believing it to be more worthwhile, exciting, and valuable than my own.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling anxiety about the future when I see what has been happening still around the world throughout this documentary.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become hopeless in the face of anxiety where I start to doubt the capabilities of what humanity can do in when confronted with these kinds of forces, and living within that hopelessness as a mirror of the kind of mentality that I have been living within in my daily life which is in hope where I secretly wish for things to get better in the world without actually making the changes within my life yet.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this world will be change and saved by hero figures and in such I will not have to do work and not realizing that if human beings are still the manifestations of there thought, feelings, and emotions, then nothing will change as we will still revert back to the same patterns of mind despite how many hero’s roam the sky’s.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the desire of becoming a hero figure in which other people are relying on me for their safety and will see fit to look up to me and respect me, when in fact this is only showing that to myself I don’t respect myself and live in fear of danger and death.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death in the future where I see the governments as a point of seeking out any that oppose them and killing them without pause or remorse and not realizing that it changes nothing within the point of continuing this journey back to life where one cannot predict the moment of death or in what form it may come forth in but only can control and realize that this moment and breathe here now are real.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to physically speak the words “oh my God” when watching the documentary where I did not believe what I was seeing hearing.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grind my fists into the floor in anxiousness when confronted with the images of bodies.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want hole myself up within myself when confronted with this material and react within a flight response where I believe that I can just hide within my emotions believing that that they make up for not standing up within myself, like feeling sorrow for those killed is enough and actually facing up to the point of having to change myself to see this type of thing stop within this world I must stop myself first.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irrational within my reactions to watching this documentary where I start to believe that I am actually in danger and that someone is going to kick down my door in the middle of the night and take me out in the name of terrorism. When in fact that I am fine and that while the message and images in the video do show that there is some unfortunate events taking place in the world, I already have seen evidence of this before and that in that moment I am actually fine and not in danger.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in this existential fear of losing myself in death, wherein I am really afraid of losing my personality in this life not realizing that in the mind I have not actually ever really expressed or understood myself as life because I have always been a product of the mind living in fears and exultation of myself.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s