116. Birthdays, homework, and losing someone I don’t even know.

 

 

So what I would like to explore is this point of difficulty that I have been having in maintaining a steady commitment to myself within time management, my I process, and daily writing.

My birthday was on the 11th and while I have understood this concept that a birthday is really no different then any other day, that the tendency is to utilize birthdays to catalyse the desire to feel special about oneself, and that this celebration is in the end a point of self interest in wanting to stand out or desire to get some attention. So what I noticed is that while I understood this point I threw a dinner party but did not really tell people that it was my birthday and while some that have known me for some time knew it was my “birthday party” there was this justification within me that this was of no significance because I was just throwing a “get together” without anyone really know the reason. But alas when facing the point self honestly I can see that there definitely was a desire for some kind of specialness to the day/time/celebration. So what I noticed as a point within this is that there was a pattern of self talk centred around my blogging where I was actually using my birthday as a “valid” excuse to take a break from blogging and doing my iprocess. Now again when applying myself in self honesty I can see that this is simply not valid because, it’s happening every week not just on this birthday week. Its like when I do not force myself to wake up early and write this blog (like on days off) then it does not get done or there is a excuse or mind chatter saying something like its ok you can take a break. But really what I can see is that I am facing this point of not wanting to do it rather then making a commitment to self and standing. This is plain to see because this has become somewhat apparent that if I do not wake up early and start the blog before work then it is hard pressed to get done that day. There is almost like a catch 22 for myself where it’s like this is the time I have allotted, don’t get it done then? Or don’t wake up on time? To bad not getting done today. This is obviously not a very self honest way to go about this point of getting to know myself, and this is even more apparent within my approach to my iprocess where I have been on the same lesson for almost three months now. So what I am noticing at this point is that there is this fear of actually committing and this fear of losing myself within these activities in which I still do not want to dedicate the appropriate amount of time to them in my day/week and actually stick to that, for myself and my own benefit of learning and exploring myself. I am afraid of losing myself yet I have not even given myself the proper attention and care to even know who it is that I fear losing. Insanity. The other thing to take note of is that I make excuses within the time available to me to get things done where in I do work a full 40 hours a week with two hour commute each day so while there is less time in which to work with what I am noticing is that it has become a point of blame into why I cannot get things done after. I will bring my laptop on the commute and work on my writing on the way to and from work but what happens after I reach home after work is a avoidance. Like “this is time for me”, when in fact I am saying this is time for mind. Time to relax but the relax never end’s, I mean I do cook for my partner and myself regularly so that will take up some more time but when looking at it self honestly I notice that there is still enough time to put in a half hour, or hour of dedicated time after work towards working on my assignment or catching up a blog, or even using techno tutor which is another point of avoidance within which if I were to apply myself within would benefit me greatly.

So I realize that this is not a specific incident/experience that I am writing about but the general point of committing and getting to know myself within this journey in which the realization of my avoidance and apathy was triggered within the specific event of my birthday. So I will continue within this particular path within my blog for awhile and correct myself in where I see that I am able to apply myself as a whole day perspective instead of this view that getting to know me is homework.

 

Thanks that’s all for this morning.

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