So I had a visit with my Mom today all in all it was quite a pleasant time. I have had plenty of experiences within the past where I haven’t exactly maintained myself within my composure within the conversation… at all really. I mean talking with my Mom can be somewhat of a difficult endeavor and have in the past become extremely emotionally charged and reactive within how I deal with it. To the point where I would just feel like I was having all the energy pulled out of me and cannot process the situation make sense of what is being said and ultimately end up blowing up and having to leave.
What I have noticed though is since I have been off weed the past year and taking on myself within my process in a more substantial way that the visits with Mom have become more and more stable within the perspective of my reactions to her and my ability to breathe through the situations that would have made me lose my shit before.
This is cool, and while there still where reactions within my experience with her today I was able to not take the things that she was saying personally and not let myself be pulled too deeply into a belief war as most of the time when there is subject matter that comes into the flow of the conversation the experience starts to take a turn for the worse.
The situation in more detail goes as this, where I went to visit her at her place and walk with her to get her blood taken for a test. Afterwards we went to Tim Horton’s (Canadian Coffee place) for a iced cap. As we walked up the street back towards her place we were approached by a couple of Mormon missionary’s (another point to take on but I’ll stick to this one about my mom for now) asking us about our views and beliefs about God and Jesus. My Mom asked some questions about what their perspective was on the holy spirit, and after the young man told my Mom what the Mormon view was she was satisfied. I was asked about my views and I told him that I was a atheist and explained myself. Anyways we left and started walking up the street again and my Mom started talking about how there is a war going on in the world and there is the side of god or the side of the devil and how it is the devil/Satan that is influencing people through there thoughts, and how sometimes she has these thoughts and that she goes “where the hell did that come from” suggesting that they are from the Satan. So at this point I decided to speak up and talk about my understanding of thoughts and how placing the responsibility of the thoughts we have into realm of god or the devil is a abdication of that responsibility and self honesty. So when talking with my Mom as her son there is a point of being talked over so making a point to finish expressing myself within what I was saying without accepting myself to be interrupted. Then letting her continue when I was finished. Breathing and checking myself throughout. We reached a park and took a seat on a bench where the conversation took a turn towards family and the roles of family units and I said something about how small children are there to teach parents from the perspective of living in the moment and living within equality with no judgement and that they start to take on the beliefs through time and experience especially within the current familial paradigm. So at this point my Mom started to become upset at some of the things that I was saying and the conversation started to become more hard to understand in the context of recognizing a coherent point. I was losing myself within it and a just resorted to focusing on myself breathing, my Mom was reaching a peak where she was yelling, screaming, and crying in my face. I suggested that we stop the conversation and that maybe it was time for me to go since I seemed as if I was upsetting her but she said no and that I was just running away from the issues. So I stayed and listened, contributing here and there, but mainly staying within myself and attempting to stop the reactions and thoughts as they came up through-out the conversation. eventually we left the park and continued that conversation as we walked up the street, breathing as best as I could and remaining calm within myself.
While I noticed a great improvement in myself to remain stable within myself when faced with this particular situation, I did notice that I did still have some reactions when faced with anger being directed at me and with the point of my Mom telling me who I am, and what my beliefs are. Also when she told me that I cannot understand because I do not have children and that I will be in for a wake up call when I have kids and me somewhat breaking down and saying in response that from where I am at in my experience I could not imagine talking to my child the way that I was being talked to right now.
So yeah all in all I did not walk away from the visit in anger or resentment, actually quite the opposite where by when the time to go came around the argument was all but forgotten by here and she was actually hearing me within some of the points that I was bringing up. It was a cool experience to see the improvement, yet still some room to get better and stop the reactions completely.
I will continue with my self forgiveness and self corrective statements in the morning.