122. Just for certainty’s sake.

 

 

So continuing on with my last couple of post’s, I faced an additional interaction with my Mother last night in which she called my partners phone (currently I do not have one) and left messages for me to call her back, initially I noticed that I just kind of automatically put in into a place of “I’ll get to it when I get to it” and placing it in a unimportant position within what I was doing at the time. So later on in the evening my partner told me that I had missed another call from her and so I decided to call her then. She answered the call and I was greeted with a friendly voice telling me that she was still a little uneasy about something I had said yesterday to her along the lines of her not trusting me and she wanting me to just be certain about how she feels. I remembered what I had said and told her that what I was trying to get across was not that I didn’t think that she did not trust me but rather to trust me today that I will be ok tomorrow in the sense that I am able to sort out my life. Which seemed to be at the time a point of concern for her through the subject matter that was coming through. The integrity of my life that is. So the conversation from there kind of went into a lot of directions in which I cannot really recall the focal point, which is a experience that I have often when interacting with my Mother. But the main point that I am getting at within this post is that I started to really notice that I may not be able to express myself within what I have come to understand from Desteni in any kind of detail or specifics when talking with Mom, because what she tells me is that she will never let go and never stop caring about me as my mother and love me unconditionally until she dies. At parts of the call she started to get into points within the past concerning me and my Sisters where she was highlighting the fact that when I walked away from home at 18 the amount of pain that I put her through and how much pain that my Sister’s have put her through, and how I could not imagine. I told her how I would like to be able to just have experiences with her where we a able to just be there present and not constantly be looking into the past for the “missing pieces”, explained through the experiences that she has gone through in her life, and that these thing will come through in time if we are able to walk them out slowly instead of consistantly trying to cover all the point all in one go every time that we converse. I suppose that I am ranting a little bit at this point, but I am just trying to express the situation the best that I can. The thing is that the way she talks to me is this point of saying to me that I am broken because of x or y event with my Dad and how she made mistakes in her life but others did to and they are not taking responsibility for them. In those moments I just want to say who cares about that, we as individuals cannot help the choices of others now and especially not then, and that I personally am taking steps towards dealing with my own reactions to those events from the past. But I have tried this before and it was not seen or recognized, just ignored, so this time I saw that same urge to defend myself but stopped myself and breathed through it. Eventually I had to cut in and stop the conversation because there look to be no end in sight and my dinner had been sitting cold for the past 45 minutes, so I told her that I was going to go and she reassured me with certainty that she’s my mother and that she will always love me unconditionally, I said good night. What I see as the main points to realize through this is that no matter what another being is trying to convince me about myself or what I need to do or feel in my life that I should remain the directive principal within me. To not allow myself to take offense when another is telling me I am broken because of such and such and really find the patience to walk with beings within my immediate experience even if they are not at this point open to viewing themselves self honestly. But also to not allow myself to waste time in arena’s where all the other being is looking for is a point of conflict and friction. Also recognizing that there is a lot of fear that can be a part of our experiences and that we can express this as a manifestation of trying to fix or reach out for the relationships we are experiencing and that can take the form or concern or worry for another being whom we are defining ourselves by within our own lives, so highlighting that tendency within myself and my relationships with beings that I consider close to me and not judge myself for those moments but to understand them in specificity. Thanks, I will continue with sf on this subject the best I can in the next post as while these are two different experiences in space time they are quite linked in subject matter and reactions.

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