124. Taking on Mom Pt 4.

So what I have come to realize about my situation with my mother is that while she is my mother the point and placement of a honor that is greater or worthy of some special treatment is in itself not valid, but the point of become enstranged and angry in response to this approach and beliefs from her are in fact just point of mind ego.

So when and as I see myself falling on the point of wanting to teach my mother the message of Desteni and place myself in a position of superior knowledge I stop myself and breathe.

And commit myself to realize that this is not my race for her to run and that the best thing that I can do is to coninue writing and learning and becoming more self honest and more clear within myself so eventually I will be able to handle and deal with any situation within the context of whats best for all, in the mean time learning how to be able to maintain that silence within me.

When and as I see myself putting a personl investment in the stability of my mother and putting so much effort in to fix her I stop myself and breathe, realizing that this is really a form of reflecting this back towards me that I am in need of fixing, that I am not ok within myself and that this is why I have such a hard time letting go of my Mothers turmoils.

I commit myself to see that taking on anothers problems is like trying to pull them around against their will, both becoming exhausted, and from this perspective this is a point of providing support and showing them the door when it is suitable but not standing around waiting for them or exhausting myself trying to drag another through that door, then realizing that I dragged the other through the wrong door because I was to busy dragging to see the signs that the right door is down the hall. Metephorically speaking.

When and as I see myself project back into a place where I start to see points of my past coming up where I am comparing a current situation with my Mom to the past I stop and breathe and realize that while the content may be similar to past events that the point of becoming exasperated and impatient with the present situation is showing that I am just living the reactions from the past.

And thus I commit myself to stop the mind in those moments and birth myself  back to the present in each moment and remember what is real in my world in that moment meaning that what I can see and what I can touch around me is what is real, and fixating and arguing on idea’s and beliefs about what is the proper way to conduct oneself is of knowledge and information because I have not integrated it into practical application within my life, be-earthing myself in every moment.

When and as I see myself standing in a position of improvement within how I deal and interact with my mother I stop myself and breathe and realize that this in itself is point of lowering my expectations within myself where I am just do not want to take full responsibility for myself and where partial improvement is acceptable and becomes something to be celebrated.

And thus I commit myself to continue moving myself and not hold nothing less them taking full responsibility as acceptable because I understand that my world will only change when I am able to stand in full view of myself and stand in complete self honesty and become equal and one with life within my experience and then I will know how to direct my world.

When and as I see myself standing in that position of just wanting to converse within a starting point of wanting to prove myself and demonstrate what I know to my Mother, I stop myself and breathe and realize that I am coming from a place starting within knowledge and information, and that I am actually not honoring myself within who I am as life as here, through the silence that is me and instead choosing to speak without awareness and only from a point of self interest. And thus I commit myself to stop my mind in attempting to sabotage me within the context of making it seem like I am trying to help my mother but really what I am trying to do is shake some concepts into her where she will stop creating this certain experience for me, acting actually only in self interest.

When and as I see myself becoming arrogant within my view of my Mother and others I stop myself and breathe and realize that what I am attempting to do is justify not actually remaining here within an excuse to feel upset by something another being is saying, and thus I commit myself to see the point that this is really another point of creating something out of nothing where I am placing blame on another so I do not have to remain here, stable, breathing.

When and as I see myself standing within a resentment to being told what to do and what to feel I stop myself and realize that this is really a point of a showcasing the reactions and systems that still exist within me concerning authority within my world and not fully accepting myself within self trust, which is actually starting from a lack of self honesty in that moment. And so I commit myself to in the moment to stop my inclination to speak and self honestly have a look at what I am wanting to say and question if what I want to say is born out of a necessity of expression or born out of a rebellion from authority.

I commit myself to explore this point of feeling like I have to fight back when faced with authority or anger within my experiences, and why I always seem to slump down into myself when faced with a point of authority coming from my mother or others.

When and as I see myself placing myself in a infearior position to these points of authority to the point where I become fed up within myself I stop myself and breathe and realize that while the point of expression will make itself clear and apparent when I am ready, the point remains that at this time it will be better and more supportive to say nothing then to speak from the mind, from self interest born within thoughts feelings and emotions.

And so I commit myself to maintain my composure from the perspective of staying present, here, within breathe when faced with these situations and practice self honesty with myself at this stage within my process where I can see that I still having trouble controlling my judgements and reactions andSS to understand that breathing is crucil to gaining stability within my process in self honesty, and approaching my process with the total commitment of displine and detail that it requires.

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