125. Starting over. Where do I stand?



So there has been a somewhat broad yet conglomerated theme running through my experiences over the past few days in which I am looking at myself and where I am within my process and seeing some of the posts, vlogs, interviews, and hangouts that are being done within the Desteni group and that within all that I am finding myself at a crossroads. A point of self reflection where I am facing a point of uncertainty and longing within me. I see that within me that I would really like to become more involved, that I am standing in admiration and gratitude for those that are walking through the formative stages of this process of the journey back to life for the Earth and humanity. Yet what I am facing is a point of not understanding or seeing myself within all of this. Where do I fit, what are my own points of strength that can be added to the voice, I stand within a stage of looking inward and seeing in self honesty that perhaps I am not really ready and not quite stable enough to start sharing outside of my own process of walking myself out of my points of separation and ego. And this bares the point of remaining patient and not rushing myself like this is a race to become involved in a more public way. I can also see that there is fear of the day that I would make myself public, fear to have my face on screens around the internet, which is saying to me that perhaps I don’t not really take into consideration what is at stake and that the time will come to show my true colors and voice what I stand for for all to see without shame or to fade back into fear and solitude. Solitude from the perspective of standing alone in fear and separation and not solitude from a understanding that I alone am responsible for me within my world and that taking responsibility for me is a form of solitude that I can take on with courage.


At times it just seems so far away, like this is just the way it is and that there is nothing really wrong, and then at the same time I know and can see that there is definitely something that is inherently wrong with the way that I am living and that much of the things that I am taking for grated within my life is really actually quite fucked up. Like I am living in a dream that the water will always flow and that I will always be able to afford to live this same quality of life. It’s bizarre and revealing because I can see how my mind just wants to go, “it’s all good, just sit back relax and do what you have always done” and there is this other side, the actual me that is like trying to get some air… trying to breathe. I hear all of the points I learn it as knowledge, yet the integration of it into my life is proving to be the process.


So I know what must be done the solutions are here, the practical common sense thing to do is to continue in this process of writing myself out. To have patience with it, not to rush myself, because in trying to rush myself I am not accepting myself as where I am. I also need to understand that to gain self trust first must come self honesty and building the self agreement of what principles that I stand for within my life. To push myself within my day to move a little further find out what I am capable of and really start asking myself what are the things that I can do to really start making a practical difference at this point in my journey. Educating myself and find what I am finding myself to enjoy and what areas of this puzzle I can be most effective in applying myself in.


So with that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in fear of myself not attaining my goals within this process actually living within a projection of myself based within a comparison of others who are walking their own processes and only wanting to emulate them for my own self interest which is recognition.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be confuse and uncertain of why I am walking this process and stop myself and breathe when I find myself in a state of second guessing myself, realizing that this is really about doing what is best for myself which in turn is what is best for all because in committing to equalizing myself with life, I will be able to trust myself as well as be trusted by others to stand stable as a voice of oneness and equality for all.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in doubt of myself and that I will not be able to find my voice within the collective group and in such build walls around myself that stop me from reaching out and actually walking myself into the group participating in actuality.


When and as I see myself living the delusion of seeing and placing the group as a cool group to look up to but never actually seeing myself able to make a difference as well, I stop, breathe, and bring myself back here, and realize that within walking myself in earnestly back to life I will find the course that will lead me to participate.


I commit myself to stop the resistance to break the silence within me, communicating with myself in finding the point placement of who I really am as life and sharing that with others not just for the acceptance of the Desteni group.


I commit myself to realize that the Desteni group is actually not a group that exists within the context of a clique but rather is a collective of beings sharing the same principals of equality and oneness to bring about a world best for all and free from limitations of separation, and that any sort of mind creating alter agendas to gain gratitude or admiration from others is really just my own ego looking to fulfill its need for fuel.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes along the way within this process and being unwilling to walk through those mistakes in the public arena and not actually seeing or realizing that making myself vulnerable for all to see is really a exercise in self trust to build the point of just unconditionally placing myself out there and accepting the results no matter what. Seeing that if a point arises where I am able to correct myself through another being bringing something to light, I commit myself to be able to do that with openness and realize that those opportunities will not make themselves available if I do not make myself available to them.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty within myself for not starting this process sooner when I first came across the message of Desteni, and from there have placed myself in judgement of myself in which I feel I should be further ahead.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this way because of the knowledge and information that I have accumulated along the way.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if the knowledge and information is something that I help people with and not stopping to realize or understand that knowledge and information is useless unless I actually practically live it, I may have the knowledge of how to build a table or chair but unless I practically build the chair…. there is no chair. So when and as I see myself stuck in a place where I am feeling guilty because I feel like I should be further ahead because I know so much I stop myself and breathe, and realize that the only real knowledge that has value within this process is knowledge of how to stand and walk myself out of my mind, and this knowledge only has real value if it is used in conjunction with practical application of the knowledge. So I commit myself to walk my practical application one day at a time starting fresh every time I fall and look where I am fall and why and understanding that I will keep making these mistakes and not being able to see until it is done and I can see, it just takes taking on one point after another in each moment, and each breathe, living in self honesty.


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