138. Listening to my self doubts.

 

 

So I will continue here with a little more in depth look at what I doing to myself from what I noticed about myself today at work. Basically what I am realizing is that quite a bit of my time in the mind is centred around Desteni, my process, and were I stand in relation to that. One particular point comes up from time to time and today it can up again, where a belief that I have somehow blown it, ruined my chance at figuring this out.

 

I notice that within most of chatter that is flowing through my mind in relation to Desteni there is a very inferior view of myself. Well it’s not funny really but it’s mildly amusing how I let myself believe this crap. My nature thus far has been always to sink to the bottom and not even really try to swim.

 

I can see at this time that the real point of this process is not the self forgiveness, self forgiveness is the tool. I have been putting this forgiveness thing into a strange place of almost infinitesimal complexity where I will not actually ever see myself escaping, when really it is just about being self honest in the moment with what I am able to work with, what I am able to see, and not making up systems within systems for me to stumble over and get tangled up within.

 

I have always over complicated everything within my life, it has been one of my sources of constant self criticism, where I am unable to just be here and let go of the analysis.

 

So I will start with the point of uncovering why I do see myself being able to walk this process.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have blown my opportunity to free myself from the mind.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in that moment that this is actually the mind that is telling me that I will not be able to escape it.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within and as the mind in that moment because I was unable to maintain myself as breathe as awareness of myself within that moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as worthless in that moment because of my acceptance of myself as the mind, and not seeing how this will continue to play itself out in a infinite playback loop.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am the factor that will choose when and if this loop will ever really come to a end within my experience.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to not understand that this will take time, effort, and self trust, where I will face many point of failure initially like the one that I facing within this post.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is just a representation of the patterns within me that I have accepted within my life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the voices within me telling me that I am not able to do this as equatable to and as authority within my world, not actually see the point of self direction and where physical action within the physical world is the real authority. Authoring reality around me.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how thus far the point of this process has been unclear within the point of really seriously attempting to live here as breathe.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully grasp the real nature of this, what it means, and how committed I would have to be to this moment, this breathe, and this existence here as life to really start experiencing myself as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only to this point view and cognate equality and and oneness as a idea that is somewhere out there floating around for us as humanity to play with while not seeing that what the message within and as Desteni is that all is already one and equal.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about having to reiterate myself constantly on these points where I assume that I should be moving past this already when I have yet to really realize it in real time within my own life as a consistency yet.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience this experience as a heaviness within my body.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this heaviness is actually a point of non willingness to move myself and push myself past this point of letting go of the mind and step forward into a new way of living within myself as the physical.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that as far as I can see within my scope at this point many of my physical ailments are do to the mind and the unwillingness to take actual consistent action within my daily life.

 

And thus when and as I see myself entertaining the energy of self doubt where I do have a belief about myself that I am not good enough, not able, or not strong enough to walk this journey for myself, I stop myself and breathe and realize that in the moment the only point to consider is “who am I within this moment?”. Am I life? Or am I mind?

 

I commit myself to see that in that moment of not breathing that I am actually in the mind creating and projecting self definitions within thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I will not make it because it is to hard to maintain focus and attention at all times, I stop myself and breathe, realizing this yes at this stage it will be difficult, that is will be tough to take each step because I have layered myself so tightly and bound myself intensely to the point where I am mostly unawares of what is running through my mind the majority of the time.

 

I commit myself to realize that this will continue for the time being as I continue to walk.

 

I commit myself to see how judging myself at this point is really pointless as I am only creating more points to forgive.

 

I commit myself to have patience with myself as I walk and realize that the conscious thoughts that I can see replaying over about how I will never make it are actually just my mind reacting to patterns that I have been accepting within myself for a long time.

 

I commit myself to walk this process one point at a time deconstructing the patterns until I am not defined by them within me anymore.

 

When and as I see myself living within a heaviness within my body I stop myself and breathe and bring myself back here seeing how this heaviness can be related with these emotions of self disgust, guilt, mistrust of myself and fear of the unknown.

 

I commit myself to stop the mind in those moment within breathe and to relax myself within my body.

 

I commit myself to slow myself down by just observing my surrounding reality and realizing that in that moment the only point to consider is if I am here in this moment as breathe.

 

I commit myself to realize that the disturbances within my body are mind created and have nothing to do with my actual surroundings where I was not in any danger, I did not actually need any assistance, and that the experience of heaviness or depression was actually only a manifestation of something happening within me.

 

Ok well I will continue tomorrow with this.  

137. Re: Man in a cave. 

Again I am returning after a time away from my blog. I read a blog post from Marlen that has put some perspective into what I am facing at this point. But also I was listening to a interview called “The detail and specificity of the Desteni process” this really sparked a few queries into what I have been doing within my own blog.

 

Looking a little deeper at myself and within what I have been coming up within in my DIP course I am finding that I am still somewhat trying to fit in to the group through my writing. I have not fully found or realize my own sense of commitment to myself within this process. So the common sense that I see is to really once and for all find out who am I within this life that I am living. I am not saying that my blog so far has been totally worthless but for sure most of the point of it has been from a unclear starting point. It’s difficult for me to admit to myself because I am within a belief that I do not enjoy starting over, that I do not enjoy this process of self honesty. It’s to hard and long, and most of me so far has been within a starting point of pulling teeth.

 

But looking at this objectively I am really, to reference another, “a man in a cave”. So really there is nothing that is really wrong with this I just need to finally find the self commitment to want to understand what is outside this cave of my mind.

 

I have been really experiencing myself within a stressful state lately, in terms of not really know what I am doing within this process, I can see how this not know is just a point of not unwillingness to look. When I am self honest I know that I have the answer because I have tried it out for myself, it just that I have not become consistent. Today at work I started to just say forgiveness aloud after days of worrying about this process, not being able to really figure it out. I can see where it always is a choice to be self honest in the moment or to experience the mind, it’s just extremely difficult at this stage because its like every second there are thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

 

Within the interview that I was listening to there was a point made that self forgiveness is to be said everywhere and that the blog is but a reflection on the day’s forgiveness. Within my blog at present it was made apparent that the blog has been the end all of this process for me. I have not actually been living this process outside of the blog and my course so far. This has opened up a point of starting a new blog or continuing with this one I am not quite sure what I am going to do at this stage, but am looking to just continue in this new direction of understanding of application within myself. It has been a long road to this point so I do not really want to continue on the same path I have always been on.

 

Alright I will leave this for tonight and continue tomorrow.

 

136. Multiple personalities: Acceptance self commitment statements.

 

 

 

So what I have noticed about this system is that I have really have defined myself throughout my life by what others think of me. Yet to the point where I convinced myself that I do not care and actually ostracized myself from others within my world.

 

So when and as I see myself living within a system of automatic self judgement where I base my self definition on what others are saying about me I stop myself and breathe and realize that I do not need others acceptance of me as a basis for me to feel ok within myself. I realize that I do not need to live within a system of trying to make up for a low sense of self worth with others being thinking and telling me that I am worthy, but instead I commit myself to understand and live by a understanding within myself simply to be here within breathe not trying to be more or less then anyone or anything else, remaining ok with being one and equal with creation as life.

 

When and as I see myself valuing my experiences with other beings to the point where I take on a new character with each different being to fit that being as to elicit a reaction of acceptance from the other being I stop myself and breathe and understand that in doing such I am not actualizing myself here, within breathe and as the actual expression of myself as life.

 

I commit myself to remain here within breathe when faced with other beings so as to create a stable, self trusting version of myself which is real and able to stand up for and as life in any situation instead of flipping around in each situation.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing fear within myself from not being able to let go of this desire for acceptance I stop myself and breathe and see how this is actually a system from my past where in my childhood I experienced this fear within the the group of my peers where I did not see or allow myself to feel worthy of acceptance from them.

 

I commit myself to see that I am not this experience from my childhood and see how that this carry over into my adult life is actually the remnants of a self depreciation of self worth from early childhood.

 

I commit myself to stop living within this self definition of low self worth and actually start to live within a understanding of myself here equal and one with all as life.

 

When and as I see myself looking at myself as being a good person in comparison of other beings whom I deem and judge to behave rebellious or bad and from there equate that behavior as edgy and cool and from there place myself within a inferior category because I do not see myself as having courage enough to step outside the bounds, when I see myself seeing myself through this filter I stop myself and breathe and realize that there is no actual difference between myself or another being in reality yet the only real point of differentiation would be if one is living within oneness and equality with all life.

 

I commit myself to stop the needless comparison of right and wrong, cool and lame, and realize that all I need to focus on is remaining here present in self honest understanding, living within oneness will life being the only real reality.

 

When and as I see myself buying into the concepts of winner and loser, and that to be a winner is to gain acceptance and the loser is to become outcast, I stop myself and breathe and understand that I do not need to prove myself to anyone or anything other then myself here as life to actually make something of actual value and integrity.

 

When and as I see myself thinking that physical prowess within sports and skateboarding is the way to gain acceptance from others because I think that acceptance is something that has to be won, I stop myself and breathe realizing that this is the same mentality that is used within the entire history of mankind on this planet where one group of beings dominates another to gain the losers acceptance of there superiority, always through conflict or contest.

 

I commit myself to see that I do not have to live within this paradigm, understanding that to gain real self respect and self honour I need to develop a understanding and practice of self realization and develop myself as a being one and equal with life, a not try to be more because I feel I am less.

 

When and as I see myself exonerating other beings within my experience because I have never gifted myself with the ability to just trust myself, I stop myself and breathe, understanding that this point of placing others before me is a by product of never actually trusting myself my whole life and constantly looking to and leaning on others for support and my own sense of self.

 

I commit myself to always try to stand on my own two feet and walk forward on within myself understanding that support is something that can be most effective if I actually have a self definition that starts within and remains a point of equality and oneness with any being supporting me and with life itself.

 

When and as I see myself living within a totally absorbed manner in which I have not been able to conceive who I would be without certain beings acceptance of me I stop and breathe seeing that this is just a point of self distrust on a greater and more invested gradient, of which is really only saying that I feel inferior to some people more then others.

 

I commit myself to understand that this system functions as a hierarchy within myself where I place people who are close to me or people that I know as being more important to please and maintain acceptance from then other people where acceptance is preferable but not as necessary to maintain a positive self definition.

 

I commit myself to see who I am behind this system of desiring acceptance, giving myself the will to stand within breathe here and not waver within the idea that I am worthless because others are not giving me a sense of false value within myself.

 

I commit myself to live as life here, equal and one, not allowing myself to fall for the trap of self definition within personality which is not stable within attachments and self disillusionment of differing values, but to remain as breathe, understanding that these points do not and cannot exist if I am here within breathe in each moment commit to myself as me as life.

135. Multiple personalities 3: Acceptance within groups.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base this process in a place of value in and of only to my acceptance of myself within groups.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire this acceptance within groups and allowing this to be the prime motivation for me walking this and not actually doing it for myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the mentality of feeling like a outcast that was created when/as I was a child to influence me in my current approach to the way that I express and place myself within this world.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my well being and peace of mind with the acceptance of myself within groups despite the principals that a group would live by, but rather if I am in contact with the group consistently, where I am acting automatically within a survival instinct to not “rock the boat”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not act and conduct myself accordingly within the principals of the equality and oneness, and not realizing that this is the principals of the group as a whole as life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in inferiority of the group of Desteni which is the only group at present which is presenting these principals with integrity, and not realizing that trying to gain acceptance from other groups such as family or groups at work I am really only looking to gain self gratification for myself to build on a low self image of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how a low sense of self worth is actually the reason behind this search for self image where I look for the energy of acceptance to fuel me within my sense of self.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to especially look for this acceptances within people among people within my own age group and within friends where I base my current identity within, not seeing that this system of desire towards acceptance works one and the same across all groups where I am looking for a form of energy transference from the group and will actually manipulate my expression/personality to fit the nature of a certain group/or being within the group to gain this acceptance energetic gratification.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what it would be like to live apart from the desire for acceptance, to take of the proverbial comfort blanket and actually stand and see who I am in spite of other beings acceptance of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking out/on this part of myself because it has represented a large part of the development of myself as personality.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I might be if people within my experience do not accept me fearing that other beings will not like me and using this as a deterrent to actually stand up within myself in voicing myself within the principals of equality and oneness.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judgement and ridicule from others for standing within/for equality and oneness and not actually doing it because of this fear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this is just ego bullshit where I am not even willing to just face myself and am using the acceptance of others as a excuses to stay the same and not actually stand up for myself and stand up for life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing that at some point that I am just going to have to face myself and that it is better to do that in this moment then to wait and postpone where the consequence are compounded.

 

Continuing tomorrow.

134. Multiple personalities part two; Acceptance continued.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always have been operating within a systematic way of living where I view scenarios by who has the power and who has the control within the group/system/experience and from there mantaining my position within that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to standing within myself for the inferior view when I see that another being has more power then I do and bow down to another being for acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for letting this system control me when I am looking for others to accept me within a point of recognizing me as a being of power and control of situations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing how this two points are directly linked together and how they are a complmentary symbiosis, where I am trying to live up to one polarity of wanting to be powerful for acceptance from other deemed lesser then I in contrast of flipping to the point of wanting to appease those I deem as more powerful then I for acceptance from those beings.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the simple point of stopping this acceptance struggle within myself and actually put the point of accepting myself for myself on the table and just standing within self trust within breathe and stopping the mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept life as equality and oneness within simplicity of the equality equation and from there understanding that all are already equal and that the only acceptance that need to be realized is acceptance of myself here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live within this realization that when living here now within breathe and that self honest expression in each moment I will be able to stand whether or not I am being accepted by other being anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this point of wanting acceptance from another being is actually coming from a place of desire to not face myself within what is real, as I am looking for acceptance from others mind conciousness systems from within my own mind conciousness system, just really not wanting to accept that I am a system and take responsibility for that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if gaining acceptance is a gratification or/and/of not actually standing up within myself within self honest acceptance of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for this lack of previous insight into the scope of desire within acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a physical rush within my body when I am gratified with another beings acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this experience to become a addiction simalar to a drug addication within myself where I do not actually take into account what/who I am trying to get/gain acceptance from and instead only caring about the acceptance itself just like a drug high.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with distraught and physical tension when I am not accepted by another being or group where I then define myself as not being good enough and having to try harder or push myself physically to new heights to gain acceptance from another where even endandering my physcial body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this nature of fear towards not being accepted as a physical pain or anxiety within my chest area where my breathing becomes shallow and I constrict myself and box myself in within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop and breathe in those moment reminding myself that this is only a situation that is happening in my mind and that I am not defined by another being accepting me or not and seeing that what is really important is if I am standing within acceptance of myself as life, equal and one, here.

Ok I’ll stop here for now. More on the way.

133. Multiple Personalities part one; acceptance personality.

 

 

So I am going to be exploring some more within my personalities that I have set up for myself within my life. I’m not quite so familiar with what I am doing here so I will just attempt to learn about myself and these points of creating personality as I walk through this and look at information that is presented as I go.

 

Looking back on my life and while growing up I have always had a point of wanting to be accepted by others, from my parents to my peers I never really had much in the way of friends and was not popular in school. This I can see was because of the way that I presented myself within other personalities but underneath that there has always been this point of wanting/desiring to be accepted by others and this is a point that I am facing to this day as I look around at my relationships with others. I placed great stake in the acceptance that others have for me. It’s kind of interesting how I can see this dynamic where I have almost created the acceptance of others like a curse within myself where I have to constantly live up to others and there expectations of me and how I need to conduct myself in the presence of other beings.

 

I can see that this in itself is personality where simply put the person that I am when I leave the house is different from the person inside the house. And then spawning across all sorts of different people that I encounter where I subconsciously look for the cues within another being and adjust myself to have the highest probability of gaining acceptance from that being.

 

So within that I am looking for the point of who am I really within this desire to be accepted? why do I desire this in the first place? What are the principal reasons that I feel like I need to be accepted?

 

I will explore these the points here in self forgiveness.

 

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to be accepted within my world by other beings.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand apart from myself not actually seeing that this point of desiring other to accept me actually come from a low sense of self worth.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe within myself that I am not worth anything of value.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if my relationships with other beings are what define me as a person rather than the relationship that I have with self being the primary platform of how I conduct myself daily through each experience.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how in each case when presented with a experience with another being that I change the way I approach that being that I am actually showing myself where I still am looking for acceptance with another.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the issues that I face within wanting to be accepted by others is actually the same point I faced as a child in primary school where I was not a part of the cool group and viewed myself as a outcast.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this was a direct placement of how I was raised and with what moral and acceptable limits that where placed within me throughout my upbringing, where, I was not comfortable doing things that I deemed as being outside of my comfort area, for example being bad or rebellious.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the other kids at that time as being this way and creating a relationship within me that being bad was cool and acceptable and being dangerous was how to gain popularity within the group at large.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how in those times there was a emphasis for me to utilize physical prowess within sports to try and gain acceptance with my peers and how this is part of the situation that lead up to my present relationship amongst my peers within the skateboarding world.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the starting point from way back then be within separation, to actually see the others within my group as being superior to myself within a basic hierarchy or coolness and that the only viable way for me to assert myself on that hierarchy was through physical prowess through sports.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to from then on have this point of acceptance infiltrate the starting point of all my activities within my life, where the actual reason I do things is not for myself within a expression of who I am but really only to gain respect and acceptance from others for the ability to perform with skill.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never really accept who I am as a being because I was unable to really see the significance of self trust within my life experience. Where I have been leaning on others my entire life for support of my identity within this mind consciousness system.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place certain people’s acceptance at a higher placement within my mind because of the role that they have played within the evolution of myself as the ego.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a compulsion to in how I respond to these people, in which I see myself as being unable to know who I would be without these accepting me, not seeing that they are actually showing me where I still do not accept myself within my own self view.

 

Ok I will continue with this line of sf in the next post.

 

132. Committing to change

.

 

It is plain to me that this problem of consistency, priorities, and what I value within principles to live by are still skewed. I know that I need to place discipline at the fore front of my experience at this stage of my process until this becomes normal for me and I am not living within a mind created battle with myself were doing what is best for all is seen as a threat to me and my experience with myself, so when and as I see myself living in such a way that is against what is best for all in equality and oneness I stop myself and breathe, bringing myself back from the mind, and remembering that I am here and always have been here in the physical, but have only accepted and allowed myself to be taken off into other dimensions of my mind.

 

I commit myself to see that this is really a point of standing up for life in each moment of breathe, and never giving in.

 

When and as I see myself living within a belief that I cannot achieve this freedom from my mind, I stop myself and breathe and look to those that have walked before me and see how they have been able to take on there minds within this process and pull the certainty of process from their example.

 

And from there I commit myself to walk this through into my own experience and learn to express myself with the understanding that I have come to learn from others walking before me.

 

I commit myself to the understanding that patience and unwavering discipline is needed to walk this process and that this will not happen over night.

 

I commit myself to see that if I would like to see myself free from my mind the more discipline to sit and take myself on in self honesty the shorter it will take from a minimum of seven years, but also prepare myself for it to take longer if there is not sufficient discipline within my application.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to this process where I am not accepting myself as worthy of forgiveness or worthy of equality I stop myself and breathe and realize that I am the directive principal within my life experience and that if I believe that I am unworthy then I will make that so.

 

I commit myself to see that this is self sabotage through and through and that if I want to move forward within this journey I actually have to accept and allow myself the ability to simply understand that whatever I accept and allow to exist within myself is what I will be one and equal with.

 

I commit myself to realign myself with the actuality of the nature of reality as equal and one to and as life as what is best for all here now as this is the only scenario that will ensure the continued existence for all beings and expression here and that anything of the mind will only stand within self interest and lead to the destruction of life.

 

I commit myself to move past the allure of self interests and actually accept myself here as life in every moment, remembering that if I am not breathing that I am in the mind and if I am in the mind that I am not actually standing but I am lying back to the power and seduction of the ego.

 

I commit myself to stop the ego as it exists within me in many forms that will make it seem as if I have no choice but to participate in it and make me believe that I am making progress yet still being able to remain in the mind and so I commit to the solid true test of breathe when faced with a scenario of uncertainty, am I here, am I breathing, this is how I will know if I am life or ego.

 

When and as I see myself living within and as a fear of the void of infinity within myself which represents the nothingness left in the absence of mind and ego. I realize that this is the actual point of where I reside as a being where I am just a being of life nothing more nothing less and that I can exist in this with no danger or worry because I have never actually been anything else then that, except in my mind.

 

And so I commit myself to stop the mind because it is not real in the sense that it is not infinite as life.

 

I commit myself to leave all the ideas of a infinite expression of myself within mind and ego behind and accept myself as the equal and one nature of life that is here as all existence.

 

I commit myself to stop all idea’s, conceptions, projections to do with what this nature looks like, because within those points lies just the mind, instead focusing only on what I am able to work with here in front of me and on breathing, grounding myself here in this earth.

 

I commit myself to stop positive experiences and passing on this positive experience of myself attempting to make the outlook for others a sugarcoated version of how things are but to actually realize that I am only acting in self interest in such cases to maintain the mind within myself and using others as a justification mechanism.

 

I commit myself to leave behind the allure of the pursuit of positive experiences no matter how subtle they are and to realize the these experiences always caring a negative counterpart which is usually fear of loss or lack.

 

I commit myself instead to exist within stillness and silence within me and stop the mind when faced with chatter and judgement onto myself and others and forgive myself instantly with discipline and clarity so I do not have to hold myself back for longer then necessary, as well as holding others back within the limitations of the mind.

 

 

131. Changing who I am today.

 

 

So I am having some difficulty in terms of what to write about this morning, which is kind of interesting because there is so much to write about. It’s almost like what am I willing to take on today.

 

There is so much to change, what is the primary point that I need to face within myself?

 

Over the past few posts I still can see the feeling within the body of the writing and where I do not want to admit to myself that there is discipline needed within this process. Where I feel that I can just write and the change will happen naturally with no direction.

 

The thing that I have noticed is that I have changed. I’ve changed in the way that I conduct myself throughout my day. I’ve changed my outlook on what I am doing here. I’ve changed myself in terms of what I see as important, but on many fronts I’ve yet to fully realize them into physical application, and I do see that as a problem that is holding me back.

 

When a situation occurs, I would like to be able to stand without fear and walk through it in breath. Changing who I am in those moments constantly from what I used to do and hole myself up within myself. I see that this is the main point in why I am in the position that I am in today, I am afraid to take risks and put myself in a position that is threatening to my ego.

 

This goes for all areas of my life, where I do not assert myself within my own personal sense of power as oneness and equality with life, and stand for myself as life. I tend to just shrink back and let the world play out and I become a reactionary being within that bouncing from fear point to fear point. And then choosing to speak and voice myself in reaction to these fear points like to make myself FEEL better because I do not stand up all the time.

 

Discipline is the main point to focus on here, where I am not honoring myself daily. Who am I within this process back to life, who am I within my own self definition. Am I able to stand up? What is coming up when I am faced with a point of just applying discipline in my life? Why do I still look for all these points of not applying myself as a point of rebellion almost. A point where I just want to let it all go in a individualistic last stand within myself unwilling to just stand for equality and oneness within me honoring me as life, as the expression of all, through finding the discipline to stop the mind and stop all thoughts, feelings, reactions just remaining here.

 

And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand within myself in confidence in finding what I am able to write about within my day.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in worry about this uncertainty where I find it difficult to move myself past the point of just sitting and writing regardless of the situation going on within my day.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on a personality of laziness by not wanting to take myself on in self honesty when I am writing and reduce the activity of writing to myself to one of just doing it as a chore hat must be done rather then a opportunity to actually get to know myself in detail and self honesty, learning to trust myself unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push through the tendencies within me to not apply myself within writing and hold on to belief that I do not enjoy writing and stand within hat belief when faced with doing a blog or working on myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget who I really am as life, and do not allow myself to experience this expression through writing myself out of my mind in a actual expression of life where I do not really create a real tangible relationship with me in my writing and practical application of the writing.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actualize the points that I write about into the real physical world around me through stopping the mind and its reactions to the outside world.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this world is the way it is because I am not able to take on the entire responsibility of it within and of myself without losing motivation to push forth through all the separation and and actually become the point that stands as oneness.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less then this world in which I see it as it stands and immediately go into a place of fear based within seeing all kinds of points that need to be stood up for/within and not being able to trust myself to do so.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that partial change is acceptable to the point where I do not need to keep pushing myself through, where it is acceptable to create some slack within my application.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the less disciplined my application within this process then longer it will take in direct correlation to walk myself free from my mind.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sabotage by not really accepting the consequences of not applying myself within self honesty and accountability, and what I have to walk through when I do not take this process seriously in each moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how not taking this seriously is really a question of who am I really within this process. Life? Or separation?

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself within my process and application thinking that I am making progress when the evidence of, “am I here”, shows that I am not present within each an every breathe with no thoughts, no experiences, no mind.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take vestige in the continuous shelter of thoughts where I see them as comforting and entertaining, and the nothingness to be considered boring or not full.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing how this is a direct link comparison of myself viewing myself as not being full, confident, trustworthy, and integral with myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the positive experiences that I have from the perspective that they are enjoyable and not actually seeing that these are really just attempts to hang on to the mind in whatever form that I am able to.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to help other find these positive experiences for themselves within there search in process so I am able to cover up the fears and insecurities that I have about and within my own approaches to process.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I would become within the eyes of others because I am unable to actually voice myself within how this process actually works and that others will find me boring if I do not choice to voice myself constantly.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this fear to exist within me as a direct relation to being accepted within the group and not really seeing how this is really wanting to be accepted by a group of that is living within the limitations of the mind and living with the deceptions of mind created systems and not really seeing how these groups are actually living outside the real group that is of life.

 

130. Starting to dig pt 3, becoming ok with me now.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sabotage myself at every turn to keep myself within these experiences of self limitation so as to keep the mind alive within me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the point of not wanting to face myself is actually a indication of viewing myself as less then myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually live within the understanding that the points of separation that I have accepted and allowed are actually me from that perspective and that I am able to take full responsibility for myself and from there allow myself to step forth from these points, where in what I have been doing is standing separate from these systems that I have created and seen them as a/the enemy.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand one and equal to my mind where I am able to see what I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by and not be afraid or become angry within myself because of that reaction of being afraid, and actually seeing the points that come up as simply a indication of where I am still and where I need to apply myself within my process.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prolong this process by living within and as these repeating time loops and not actually facing myself within the context of actually forming a stable structured regime within how to apply myself within my writing and within my process as a whole.

 

So, how I see this is that everything that I am experiencing is actually just a manifestation of where I am at within this journey and that I should not be getting caught up so much on the fact that I haven’t become perfected yet, so when and as I see myself becoming so entrenched within the concept and desire of perfecting myself I stop myself and breathe remembering that this is the stability point within all of this and if I am not breathing then I am in the mind. I commit myself to realize that this task will take a long time of commitment to myself and strength of will in stopping myself in each moment that I find myself drifting and bring myself back here.

 

I commit myself to stand one equal to my mind where I do not see it as the enemy but actually as a teacher of me where I still am allowing and accepting separation to exist within me, utilizing my mind as a indication that I still have to keep walking and not a foe to be vanquished, which would make the whole point of this about conquest rather then self realization.

 

Ok Im going to bed for the night and will pick this up when I wake up and post this when it is finished up.

 

Alright so picking up.

 

When and as I see myself living within a preconceived notion that this process is something that is good and something to hold in admiration I stop myself and breathe realizing that this notion is actually a point of my mind creating a idea that I need to aspire to because I in fact do not see myself as worthy of equality and oneness.

 

I commit myself to stop the aspirations that are existent within me.

 

I commit myself to see that idea of being worthy or not is actually a point of my mind attempting to hold me in self judgement where I do not trust myself to walk this process out despite the results.

 

I commit myself to see how the aspirations of the mind are not in fact real but a metaphorical carrot to keep me walking around.

 

When and as I see myself actively pursuing an idea in which to create the perfection of myself I stop myself and breathe, realizing in that moment that any idea’s about what the perfect me looks like, sounds like, or acts like, are all just mind creations, and that the only point that is real is physical reality around me.

 

I commit myself to take on this system of lusting after a perfect idea of myself.

 

I commit myself to realize that the point of self realization will not be something that I can plan out.

 

I commit myself to realize that this will not be something that I can experience because I want to or because I am putting effort into.

 

I commit myself to be patient with self and just walk this process because I realize that this is something that is a point of developing self trust over the course of a process.

 

I commit myself to stop the feelings of disappointment with myself because I have not perfected myself yet.

 

I commit myself to see how the main point here is to develop a consistent structure with myself so I can actually start trusting myself without fail in my daily routine, making this process a actual integration into self intimacy of who I would like myself to become.

 

I commit myself to walk the talk, wherein the point of actuality within this process is the application of it in my daily life where I do not just write out these words hoping/waiting for change but actually become the change within real time of the writing taking place where I can see and do what I am realizing within me.

 

I commit myself to see that all the changes will not be instantaneous and that I will continue to experience all sorts of points of reactions/fear/habitual behavior, until I am able to walk through them each, one point at a time, realizing that this transcendence will be gradual in nature and that it will take time so the point of always remaining patient and remaining soft with myself is supportive.

 

I commit myself to integrate what I am presented with in my dip course into my blogs so I can gradually practice and learn a more effective structure to my writing to practically assist and support myself through out this process and see how that structure can really speed up this process through specificity.

 

Thanks, I am out of time for now.

129. Starting to dig pt 2. Why is nothing good?

 

 

So I would like to continue down the same sort of direction that I was walking in the last post, but from the perspective of preconceived idea’s that I’m having about this process and what I’m actually doing.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view and judge the process of becoming clear within myself as something that is “good”,”noble”,”admirable”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how defining myself withing these point is actually a deterrent from making progress because I am not actually living me honestly in every moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the point comes forth from a future idea projection of myself and does not actually reflect what is happening now in this moment.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing this point of actual self realization and self honest to come through as something that will not and cannot be anticipation, only participated in.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to desire this change within me so much that I feel bad on some level about where I am and from that I see and hold the nothingness with a reverence and anticipation.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that this cannot be obtained.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel trapped because I cannot obtain my own freedom from the mind not realizing that that desire to obtain is the actual trap.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up from the perspective that I do not actually accept myself and hold myself in judgement against something that cannot be obtained, wondering what if I am trying to grasp at something I cannot grab, and then from there holding myself in a disappointed self view.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that joy is a indication of success within this process.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this joy that I am experiencing is actually a point of a emotional reaction in which I am actually scared of the moment and the point of existing within nothingness and not actually accepting the moment within self honest and living within breathe alone.

 

Continuing in the next blog.