128. Starting to dig pt 1.

So I’m lying here on my bed trying to figure out what to write about, I am facing this point I mentioned in the last couple of posts where I am really not allowing myself to see the moment without feeling the need to influence the moment outside what is called for. But I’m lying here and I am having such a hard time with understanding why I am behaving this way at the roots. Why even after the writing that I have done I still feel this pent up anger, frustration, and depression, I get that I am allowing it and accepting it. The fact that I have written about it yet it still remains is a indication to the fact that I have not actually gone down to the roots. The hard part I am facing it seems is actually dedicating to myself, perhaps I am not allowing myself to see myself as worthy of this… its funny how these reactions always exist within polarity like how one day I am self righteous and the next depressed and worthless.
 I’m noticing that within this process there is a great resistance to fully commit, I am seeing this point of doing the forgiveness but not as and within the entirety of myself for myself. I suppose that I am still hanging on to things within this world and not really letting go effectively and therein getting hung up within those things. Like I am unwilling to give up myself totally, for example, recently I fell skateboarding again, and I have written about how I should really respect this physical body and not abuse it within skateboarding. It makes sense but I guess I never really took on the point of actually leaving that part of me behind where I ask myself who would I be without skateboarding in my life. I haven’t skated since I fell as it was particularly bad and I have been feeling the effects for a few weeks now.
But at the same time I feel frustrated because skating has always been my way of coping with stress and distracting myself from any other points within my life.
 Anyways the main point is as I am moving through this I am seeing how my process is putting me up against myself in terms of making me face myself and face the points that still exist within me with very painful consequences for not listening and seeing the moment.

I know that I cannot expect myself to figure this all out at once because that is just not the way this is going to work but at the same time learning to commit myself to this for the well being of all life. Seeing that giving myself up is actually what is best for me because everyone and everything will benefit.  

I suppose that this will take time to work out. I mean I am walking through the Dip course slowly and it is really highlighting a lot of things that I have not really implemented into my blog writings yet, like the structure behind the writing that makes it effective.

But from where I stand in this moment I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into sadness and self pity towards the idea and prospect that I need to give myself up and give myself in to this process and not really committing to this process as and for myself in the realization that this is actually what is best for all, which is actually best for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and realizing that why I do not actually fully change and experience myself differently within my world is because I have not allowed myself to accept these points of forgiveness and commitment as a reflection and actually expression of myself here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed within how I view myself about opening myself up completely and not really being willing to put everything on the table, and living within that embarrassment and not really understanding that this is really a process and commitment with self that I facing and really does not have to do with how others are viewing me or how they are seeing me but really this is about who I am within me and what I am willing to stand for and stand within in terms of principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that if I do not allow myself the adequate time and patience with myself that I will always find myself living within a frustration with myself and a anxiousness due to the fact that I have not accepted something within this process as me, living within and as what my process has shown me to be part of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the fear of losing myself to actually override the point of understanding the extent of giving myself up within this process where I see the common sense of removing the relationships within me that bind me to my mind consciousness system but ignoring that point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is actually a point of not caring about self from the perspective that I am actually just standing for self interest and self preservation when I am unwilling to look at the points within me that are still screaming to not let go, not willing to see that those screams are really my mind masquerading as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and live within and as if my thoughts are actually me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am the physical human body that I am inhabiting from the point that I am the physical as one and equal to life as this physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disrespect myself from the point of letting myself disrespect my body allowing myself to become emotionally attached to activities that are destructive to my body and in such become depressed when faced with suddenly not being able to continue those activities for the sake of the continued functioning of my body and remaining alive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the connection of dissolving all the mind structures within me to actually returned to the state of equality with my body and the physical reality as life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be worthy of the physical, somehow separating myself within the understanding or self view of myself in how I conduct myself within this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that I am actually already the physical in each moment only not accepting myself as the physical because I am not realizing myself here outside the mind constructs that I have come to accept and allow myself to become throughout my entire life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this disregard for the physical within me is actually fuel for the ego and and that it will always come back around to create situations and scenarios that will support thoughts feelings and emotions to distract me from the actual reality and goal of creating a real intimacy with myself here in the physical.

So when and as I see myself living within this automatic systematic standard of self view where I am view myself as a being that is disconnected and unworthy of this chance to actually develop myself within this one life to in actually finding and respecting myself as the expression of life, I stop myself and breathe an bring myself back here each time that I find myself moving into the vortex of thoughts, feelings and emotions and realize that I am really only playing off myself to keep myself distracted and from actually realizing myself in self honesty and trust.

I commit myself to push through the routine to just fall into reactions within and to my process instead of just actually realizing myself as here within breathe and accepting myself as the breathe of life, here in the physical as that breathe.

When and as I see myself standing within frustration with my experience due to a uncertain and unsure stance of what direction to take with myself I stop myself and breathe and realize that the direction will make itself apparent as long as I am walking myself in self honesty.

I commit myself to walk myself through this process with a understanding that it will all come together in time if I am able to work through this points one at a time and not get impatient with myself.

I commit myself to push myself to apply what I have learned within my dip course so I can gain actual practice with the structure of self communication that will support my process with proven effectiveness.

I commit myself to stop giving up on myself through allowing and accepting myself to not exist here as the physical realizing myself as the physical world around me as what is actually real.

I commit myself to this process despite the habit of allowing myself to fall back within mind created points of separation from self and from others as what is really here as the physical.


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