131. Changing who I am today.

 

 

So I am having some difficulty in terms of what to write about this morning, which is kind of interesting because there is so much to write about. It’s almost like what am I willing to take on today.

 

There is so much to change, what is the primary point that I need to face within myself?

 

Over the past few posts I still can see the feeling within the body of the writing and where I do not want to admit to myself that there is discipline needed within this process. Where I feel that I can just write and the change will happen naturally with no direction.

 

The thing that I have noticed is that I have changed. I’ve changed in the way that I conduct myself throughout my day. I’ve changed my outlook on what I am doing here. I’ve changed myself in terms of what I see as important, but on many fronts I’ve yet to fully realize them into physical application, and I do see that as a problem that is holding me back.

 

When a situation occurs, I would like to be able to stand without fear and walk through it in breath. Changing who I am in those moments constantly from what I used to do and hole myself up within myself. I see that this is the main point in why I am in the position that I am in today, I am afraid to take risks and put myself in a position that is threatening to my ego.

 

This goes for all areas of my life, where I do not assert myself within my own personal sense of power as oneness and equality with life, and stand for myself as life. I tend to just shrink back and let the world play out and I become a reactionary being within that bouncing from fear point to fear point. And then choosing to speak and voice myself in reaction to these fear points like to make myself FEEL better because I do not stand up all the time.

 

Discipline is the main point to focus on here, where I am not honoring myself daily. Who am I within this process back to life, who am I within my own self definition. Am I able to stand up? What is coming up when I am faced with a point of just applying discipline in my life? Why do I still look for all these points of not applying myself as a point of rebellion almost. A point where I just want to let it all go in a individualistic last stand within myself unwilling to just stand for equality and oneness within me honoring me as life, as the expression of all, through finding the discipline to stop the mind and stop all thoughts, feelings, reactions just remaining here.

 

And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand within myself in confidence in finding what I am able to write about within my day.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in worry about this uncertainty where I find it difficult to move myself past the point of just sitting and writing regardless of the situation going on within my day.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on a personality of laziness by not wanting to take myself on in self honesty when I am writing and reduce the activity of writing to myself to one of just doing it as a chore hat must be done rather then a opportunity to actually get to know myself in detail and self honesty, learning to trust myself unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push through the tendencies within me to not apply myself within writing and hold on to belief that I do not enjoy writing and stand within hat belief when faced with doing a blog or working on myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget who I really am as life, and do not allow myself to experience this expression through writing myself out of my mind in a actual expression of life where I do not really create a real tangible relationship with me in my writing and practical application of the writing.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actualize the points that I write about into the real physical world around me through stopping the mind and its reactions to the outside world.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this world is the way it is because I am not able to take on the entire responsibility of it within and of myself without losing motivation to push forth through all the separation and and actually become the point that stands as oneness.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less then this world in which I see it as it stands and immediately go into a place of fear based within seeing all kinds of points that need to be stood up for/within and not being able to trust myself to do so.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that partial change is acceptable to the point where I do not need to keep pushing myself through, where it is acceptable to create some slack within my application.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the less disciplined my application within this process then longer it will take in direct correlation to walk myself free from my mind.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sabotage by not really accepting the consequences of not applying myself within self honesty and accountability, and what I have to walk through when I do not take this process seriously in each moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how not taking this seriously is really a question of who am I really within this process. Life? Or separation?

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself within my process and application thinking that I am making progress when the evidence of, “am I here”, shows that I am not present within each an every breathe with no thoughts, no experiences, no mind.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take vestige in the continuous shelter of thoughts where I see them as comforting and entertaining, and the nothingness to be considered boring or not full.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing how this is a direct link comparison of myself viewing myself as not being full, confident, trustworthy, and integral with myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the positive experiences that I have from the perspective that they are enjoyable and not actually seeing that these are really just attempts to hang on to the mind in whatever form that I am able to.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to help other find these positive experiences for themselves within there search in process so I am able to cover up the fears and insecurities that I have about and within my own approaches to process.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I would become within the eyes of others because I am unable to actually voice myself within how this process actually works and that others will find me boring if I do not choice to voice myself constantly.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this fear to exist within me as a direct relation to being accepted within the group and not really seeing how this is really wanting to be accepted by a group of that is living within the limitations of the mind and living with the deceptions of mind created systems and not really seeing how these groups are actually living outside the real group that is of life.

 

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