So I am going to be exploring some more within my personalities that I have set up for myself within my life. I’m not quite so familiar with what I am doing here so I will just attempt to learn about myself and these points of creating personality as I walk through this and look at information that is presented as I go.
Looking back on my life and while growing up I have always had a point of wanting to be accepted by others, from my parents to my peers I never really had much in the way of friends and was not popular in school. This I can see was because of the way that I presented myself within other personalities but underneath that there has always been this point of wanting/desiring to be accepted by others and this is a point that I am facing to this day as I look around at my relationships with others. I placed great stake in the acceptance that others have for me. It’s kind of interesting how I can see this dynamic where I have almost created the acceptance of others like a curse within myself where I have to constantly live up to others and there expectations of me and how I need to conduct myself in the presence of other beings.
I can see that this in itself is personality where simply put the person that I am when I leave the house is different from the person inside the house. And then spawning across all sorts of different people that I encounter where I subconsciously look for the cues within another being and adjust myself to have the highest probability of gaining acceptance from that being.
So within that I am looking for the point of who am I really within this desire to be accepted? why do I desire this in the first place? What are the principal reasons that I feel like I need to be accepted?
I will explore these the points here in self forgiveness.
So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to be accepted within my world by other beings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand apart from myself not actually seeing that this point of desiring other to accept me actually come from a low sense of self worth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe within myself that I am not worth anything of value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if my relationships with other beings are what define me as a person rather than the relationship that I have with self being the primary platform of how I conduct myself daily through each experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how in each case when presented with a experience with another being that I change the way I approach that being that I am actually showing myself where I still am looking for acceptance with another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the issues that I face within wanting to be accepted by others is actually the same point I faced as a child in primary school where I was not a part of the cool group and viewed myself as a outcast.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this was a direct placement of how I was raised and with what moral and acceptable limits that where placed within me throughout my upbringing, where, I was not comfortable doing things that I deemed as being outside of my comfort area, for example being bad or rebellious.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the other kids at that time as being this way and creating a relationship within me that being bad was cool and acceptable and being dangerous was how to gain popularity within the group at large.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how in those times there was a emphasis for me to utilize physical prowess within sports to try and gain acceptance with my peers and how this is part of the situation that lead up to my present relationship amongst my peers within the skateboarding world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the starting point from way back then be within separation, to actually see the others within my group as being superior to myself within a basic hierarchy or coolness and that the only viable way for me to assert myself on that hierarchy was through physical prowess through sports.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to from then on have this point of acceptance infiltrate the starting point of all my activities within my life, where the actual reason I do things is not for myself within a expression of who I am but really only to gain respect and acceptance from others for the ability to perform with skill.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never really accept who I am as a being because I was unable to really see the significance of self trust within my life experience. Where I have been leaning on others my entire life for support of my identity within this mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place certain people’s acceptance at a higher placement within my mind because of the role that they have played within the evolution of myself as the ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a compulsion to in how I respond to these people, in which I see myself as being unable to know who I would be without these accepting me, not seeing that they are actually showing me where I still do not accept myself within my own self view.
Ok I will continue with this line of sf in the next post.