138. Listening to my self doubts.

 

 

So I will continue here with a little more in depth look at what I doing to myself from what I noticed about myself today at work. Basically what I am realizing is that quite a bit of my time in the mind is centred around Desteni, my process, and were I stand in relation to that. One particular point comes up from time to time and today it can up again, where a belief that I have somehow blown it, ruined my chance at figuring this out.

 

I notice that within most of chatter that is flowing through my mind in relation to Desteni there is a very inferior view of myself. Well it’s not funny really but it’s mildly amusing how I let myself believe this crap. My nature thus far has been always to sink to the bottom and not even really try to swim.

 

I can see at this time that the real point of this process is not the self forgiveness, self forgiveness is the tool. I have been putting this forgiveness thing into a strange place of almost infinitesimal complexity where I will not actually ever see myself escaping, when really it is just about being self honest in the moment with what I am able to work with, what I am able to see, and not making up systems within systems for me to stumble over and get tangled up within.

 

I have always over complicated everything within my life, it has been one of my sources of constant self criticism, where I am unable to just be here and let go of the analysis.

 

So I will start with the point of uncovering why I do see myself being able to walk this process.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have blown my opportunity to free myself from the mind.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in that moment that this is actually the mind that is telling me that I will not be able to escape it.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within and as the mind in that moment because I was unable to maintain myself as breathe as awareness of myself within that moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as worthless in that moment because of my acceptance of myself as the mind, and not seeing how this will continue to play itself out in a infinite playback loop.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am the factor that will choose when and if this loop will ever really come to a end within my experience.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to not understand that this will take time, effort, and self trust, where I will face many point of failure initially like the one that I facing within this post.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is just a representation of the patterns within me that I have accepted within my life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the voices within me telling me that I am not able to do this as equatable to and as authority within my world, not actually see the point of self direction and where physical action within the physical world is the real authority. Authoring reality around me.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how thus far the point of this process has been unclear within the point of really seriously attempting to live here as breathe.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully grasp the real nature of this, what it means, and how committed I would have to be to this moment, this breathe, and this existence here as life to really start experiencing myself as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only to this point view and cognate equality and and oneness as a idea that is somewhere out there floating around for us as humanity to play with while not seeing that what the message within and as Desteni is that all is already one and equal.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about having to reiterate myself constantly on these points where I assume that I should be moving past this already when I have yet to really realize it in real time within my own life as a consistency yet.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience this experience as a heaviness within my body.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this heaviness is actually a point of non willingness to move myself and push myself past this point of letting go of the mind and step forward into a new way of living within myself as the physical.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that as far as I can see within my scope at this point many of my physical ailments are do to the mind and the unwillingness to take actual consistent action within my daily life.

 

And thus when and as I see myself entertaining the energy of self doubt where I do have a belief about myself that I am not good enough, not able, or not strong enough to walk this journey for myself, I stop myself and breathe and realize that in the moment the only point to consider is “who am I within this moment?”. Am I life? Or am I mind?

 

I commit myself to see that in that moment of not breathing that I am actually in the mind creating and projecting self definitions within thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I will not make it because it is to hard to maintain focus and attention at all times, I stop myself and breathe, realizing this yes at this stage it will be difficult, that is will be tough to take each step because I have layered myself so tightly and bound myself intensely to the point where I am mostly unawares of what is running through my mind the majority of the time.

 

I commit myself to realize that this will continue for the time being as I continue to walk.

 

I commit myself to see how judging myself at this point is really pointless as I am only creating more points to forgive.

 

I commit myself to have patience with myself as I walk and realize that the conscious thoughts that I can see replaying over about how I will never make it are actually just my mind reacting to patterns that I have been accepting within myself for a long time.

 

I commit myself to walk this process one point at a time deconstructing the patterns until I am not defined by them within me anymore.

 

When and as I see myself living within a heaviness within my body I stop myself and breathe and bring myself back here seeing how this heaviness can be related with these emotions of self disgust, guilt, mistrust of myself and fear of the unknown.

 

I commit myself to stop the mind in those moment within breathe and to relax myself within my body.

 

I commit myself to slow myself down by just observing my surrounding reality and realizing that in that moment the only point to consider is if I am here in this moment as breathe.

 

I commit myself to realize that the disturbances within my body are mind created and have nothing to do with my actual surroundings where I was not in any danger, I did not actually need any assistance, and that the experience of heaviness or depression was actually only a manifestation of something happening within me.

 

Ok well I will continue tomorrow with this.  

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