157. On making mistakes and giving up.

On a recommendation of my buddy I was suggested to read a post by one of the other Destonians concerning the experiences that I am going through.

So I did and there was a striking similarity within my world right now with what I have been accepting and allowing, where there is a downpression within myself and not really seeing the point, not seeing myself change and walking a line in which I just do not care.

I can see how within this there is definitely a point of not really looking at myself with the type of starting point that is indicative of me as life. So far I am experiencing the same thing where I do not apply myself as a point of commitment to self. Where I see small accomplishments as something that is enough and not realizing that these accomplishments are coming from a place of knowledge and information.

So I have to ask myself why is this? What is MY reasoning’s and rationalities why I cannot pull myself out of this. Explore and share myself within this process in a SELF-honesty way?

I can see this anger within me. This anger that is coming from my situation. I am frustrated with my lot. With my pick in life and angry with how I got to this point. Angry with my family life and social life and unsatisfied with how I present and voice myself. Unwillingness to make actual commitments within my partnership and angry that I am not able to live the way that I used to live in weed, porn, skateboarding and so on and on.

And in this anger there lies just a fear and a belief that I cannot change. I notice that rather then this idea that I cannot change the reality of the situation is more like I will not change. I choose to pre-occupy my life with so much other useless activities, and avoidances. All the while not realizing that this is the reason why I am not changing, I am not stopping myself. I do not stop to take some of the information and knowledge out and release some of the points within me. I am full of crap that has preoccupied me over the course of my life and I feel helpless to it. What struck me is that I am always maintaining this attachment that I have with creating and looking for experiences. Like always in journey of the next experience.

So within this process of walking myself back to life I need to realize and walk to point that making room within my world for a new way of living, understanding that making room for new things will require letting go of old things and that if I continue to hold on I will not have space and will invariably fall. I have to learn trust within myself in this process and not allow myself to become triggered within my self doubts. Really gifting myself with a new voice of self trust and self honesty. And understanding that to be able to be here now is a priveledge and that the opportunity to gain understanding of myself with the support of others/tools is also something that is valuable beyond measure. Something that I must realize if not taking into account is actual abuse of life on my part through not becoming really willing to take that next step within myself and commit to this new way of living.

So what would be the main point here which is driving and directing this nature? Looking at my behaviour and tendencies it seems that the main point would be a unwillingness to let go of experiences, from the perspective that I am really only attempting to avoid taking on myself by preoccupying myself in the mind.
I notice this most prominently when I would rather watch a tv show than read a blog or play a game than write my blog. I would rather think and entertain myself in thoughts than remain present here in breathe. And I am noticing that most of my points are based within this avoidance of facing myself where I do everything strictly to escape from writing or applying myself here as a real expression. So this over abundance of time spent on entertaining myself is not really indictive of recreating a new self but is just manifestations of old patterns, routines, and programs. And then from there going into patterns of guilt, and “I should know better” and basing my process out of this, not seeing how I am making this process a punishment in a sense for not standing absolute.

It was really cool to read in this blog the point of just making this process about oneself, a good refresher in realizing that this is not about appearing to others a certain way and/or to make oneself “feel better” because it will only come around again, or be brought to the surface eventually. But to really see how it is important to become clear within one’s approach for me, and be self honest, find my own voice within this and learn to have fun within it at the same time and stop taking myself so serious like its a all or nothing type of thing which for me has definitely triggered so many relapses especially when it comes to porn. Where I feel like everything has become a disaster because I fell instead of seeing how this it the indication that I still have to walk the point fully, that it is still there and exists.

Alright to begin with self forgiveness on this point;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within a preoccupied life where I jump from one experience to the next looking to generate energetic reactions from a point of not believing that I can change and avoiding even attempting to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my entire experience of myself to be based within a belief, one where I do not allow myself to have room to test out the possibility of change and instead only lock myself into a particular limited view of who I will be able to be.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself as this point of actually just applying myself and seeing what comes out of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only really walk this process within a point of maintaining a particular image of myself like I am walking with consistency when in fact I am not really being honest with myself in what I am able to achieve in each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is actually base within the point of not being able to see the next step as a threat to who I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the past. Where I choose to sit as the old me rather then take the process as a series of steps in changing myself one day after the next.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distraught towards myself because I continuously feel like I am not making progress fast enough without realizing that progress cannot be made through any kind of preordained measure in my mind or else it is a program born of influence and does not reflect who I am here in the now.

I commit myself to see that within this process I will have to let go of the preoccupations to make room for a new way of living and that old patterns will need to be completely released to be able to input new patterns that stand the test of equality and will be sustainable through out my life in the best interest of all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distraught with the process of writing because it takes time away from the old patterned self of spending time in a preoccupied state of entertainment, and not realizing that this is actually only a state of not wanting to face myself in that moment and instead filling up that time in the mind or in a hypnotic state in front of the television or in a game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the tv or the game is not the issue but the deeper issue is this desire to return or remain in the old ways of experiencing myself because I believe that they are easier and simpler. I see a lot more internal conflict at this stage simply because I am fighting with myself on these points of changing me from one state of myself to another.

So when and as I see myself looking to slide back into old ways and patterns I stop myself and breathe looking at why those ways are appealing like why does it seem more appealing to remain the same as always? So I commit myself to realize that this experience that I perceive as being simple and easy but only exist within the mind as being this way because I am not really testing myself as a real expression of myself here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire instant results and not realizing that this process will take much time and practice to back to a place of clarity and nothingness within self and that feeling bad about where I am and all things such attached to this depression within self will actually be because of a lack of acceptance of this simple point that it will take time.

I commit myself to have patience within myself and push forth from where I am and instead to work with what is available to me in the amount of time I have.

I commit myself to stop this pattern of becoming impatient and then using this point of its not happening quick enough to return to a state of just giving up on walking for that time being and returning to old ways of experiencing myself in energetic desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger at where I am standing within my life and not really understanding what it is that got me to this point and only ever really feeling frustration towards myself here instead of seeing this as a opportunity to work with and walk with myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the the only way to understand is to investigate and get to know myself as I stand here and now and from there work towards a new position of self awareness.

When and as I see myself beginning to become angry with where I am and where I stand I stop myself and realize that this is only due to a feeling of lack within my life and that I am not accepting myself as a person who can change myself. I commit myself to changing myself but from the starting point that change is a process that occurs through time and that will not just magically happen because I desire it to, in fact the desire becomes a obstacle because the desire is based within future and past projections of myself.

I commit myself to stand within my writing as a real expression of myself and not just a doing it because I feel like I have to so I can change and realizing that this writing if for me to experience myself in self honest and get to understand me and seeing my points and separations within me as a way to really explore myself for myself rather then just trying to get somewhere and not really ever reaching that place because it is somewhere created in my mind.

I commit myself to start standing within my writing as a infinite expression of me in the moment.

I commit myself to the realization that I will initially miss many points as I am not able to see them until they are brought to the surface and this will take some time as the points will only come to the surface through experiences, and so understanding that from the starting point of self support falling is not the end of the world but a opportunity to really see who I am within my points of separation the only thing that is require is for me to unconditionally walk through the point as it arises.

I commit myself to not be afraid of these points because it feels like I am failing but to remember that the thoughts and patterns will initially persist until I walk through them and that they are merely a reflection of who I am still accepting and allowing myself to be within me.

I commit myself to build the self trust necessary to stop missing days for no reason other then not feeling like it and that this is really a point of letting the mind have control of my process and not taking myself on despite what my mind is telling me and making excuses for.

I commit myself to walk past these excuses and bring myself back here in those times of resistance forcing myself to do the things that I know will be supportive for me to do and stop the things that I know are just a mind created point of distraction and doubt.

I commit myself to stop giving up on myself because I just don’t believe that change is possible but really what is happening is that I am not allowing myself to stand in patience as I walk and so this is creating the experience of myself not change when in fact it is the doubt that is triggering the relapses and giving up on me so I also commit to just see through the initial desire to change and just start to trust myself within each moment to stand in self honesty and stop the want to become changed somewhere in the future, I need to live the change that I want to see within me.

Ok thanks that’s enough for the moment. More tomorrow.

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156. Suppressive me 4.

 

Ok so closing up.

When and as I see myself living in such a way that is avoiding the points that need to be addressed I stop and breathe, and take a practical look at my world in that moment.

I commit myself to start asking myself question like what are the triggers that started this thought that I am suppressing, if it was a person what aspect of the person triggered some movement within me?

I commit myself to ask myself why I would like to suppress the reaction rather then face it in the moment and deal with it to the best of my capability.

When and as I see myself becoming embarrassed in speaking forgiveness out loud or in public I stop myself and breathe, and remind myself that this is not about what other people are thinking about me but how I am in getting to know and realize me first for myself.

I commit myself to see how some points of suppression are merely from a point of not wanting to expose myself to the world in real time.

I commit myself to stop the fear of exposure that I experience when I am facing a opportunity to say forgiveness out loud or in public.

Also I notice that when I am unwilling to put myself on the line in a public arena there is a level of self distrust of what I am doing like I don’t believe I can do it or know what to say.

When and as I see myself stopping myself in self exploration because I do not trust myself to say the correct thing I stop myself and breathe, and realize that in that moment what I actually am afraid of is others judging me within what I am doing.

I commit myself to stop suppressing myself in the moment because of a particular fear of what others will think of me if the hear me speak self forgiveness aloud.

I commit myself to look past the insecurities of not wanting to appear strange and just learn to accepting myself for myself instead of constantly basing my experience off of what others will see me as.

I commit myself to realize that sooner or later I will need to walk this point anyways so it would be good practice to just start now and see what comes up.

I commit myself to realize that when I just suppress a point because I believe that I do not have the time or I do not have the space around me to say forgiveness effectively that I am missing out on a opportunity to take that point on directly in space time.

So when and as I see myself living within a secret world of desire within me and not applying myself with common sense and a self directive application I stop myself, breathe and realize that in that moment what I really am saying to myself is that I am not really trusting me to walk the walk of equality in oneness but I want to reap the benefits.

I commit myself to fully realize that this is not the point of the Desteni message or the point of walking myself out of my mind, and will in fact backfire since the desire that is placed in there is actually just another layer of mind created deception.

I commit myself to realize that time is needed to effectively walk out each point in real time and that the difference between suppression and expression is the willingness to explore rather then ignore the points that are coming up. I will not be able to get to all of them initially but if I am just tucking them away all the time and not attempting to even look at one as it comes up I am really just avoiding myself and not wanting to take the necessary steps within this process to actually practice the point of this journey, which is consistent application of the things that I am learning.

Alright I have reach the end of this point for now as I can see so I will leave it there but if anything else comes to the surface I will apply more forgiveness as it comes.

155. Suppressive me 3.

 

Continuing.

I commit myself to push past my tendency to feel like I need to be in a stressful state to be able to feel normal.

I commit myself to realize that stress is actually a representation of a mind created scenario within me where I am projecting a undesirable outcome, or a reaction to a unfavorable event that I have experienced in the past, and never stopping to realize in the moment of experiencing myself within stress I have a choice to experience myself as stress or to breathe dissipate the stress and remain here as breathe.

I commit myself to see how I have allowed and accepted myself to for a habitual relationship with stress throughout my life and growing up because I have never been in a position to utilize tools that would have effectively let me explore the events happening to me and instead I learned early on that the only coping method that seemed to work was pushing them down within me and suppressing them.

I commit myself to see how this is proven within me through the many break downs I have had and the use of drugs to maintain a sense of normalcy/stability within myself never stopping to actually find out what was happening and why I was experiencing these points through suppression of myself in the first place.

I commit myself to stopping the stress that is generated when I realize that how many points that I have still to cover within my process and instead focus on the moment that I am experiencing and focus myself in one area and one point that is making itself apparent.

When and as I feel myself becoming overwhelming within myself I stop, breathe, and bring myself back here and start saying my forgiveness aloud as a self commitment to me showing that I am able and willing to step up in the face of what I have accepted and allowed myself who life.

I commit myself to continuously interfere with my mind through self forgiveness of points that come up, seeing that participation in the mind in any form is really a point of self dishonesty.

I commit myself to see that it is impossible at this stage to be able to stop the mind effectively at all levels where I am able to see every point the comes up with clarity and therefor realize that taking each point apart will take time and the mechanics of how thoughts come up is actually a something that will have to be walked over the course of years.

I commit myself therefore to realize the difference of suppression and stopping participation where suppression has no intent whatsoever to take on those points and instead supposes to hide myself from me which obviously is impossible.

I commit myself to realize that stopping participation in a thought stream is only a temporary solution, where the thoughts, judgements, feelings, emotions, will remain and return because the subconscious patterning that is generating the thoughts has not be address or accounted for so the same patterns of thoughts, etc, will return at the next opportunity until it is changed, dealt with.

When and as I see myself living in a form of suppression because of desire to experience myself in clarity I stop myself and breathe, seeing how this is actually a point of self dishonesty where I am longing for a particular experience of myself and instead of directing myself out of a point that needs to be address at one point of another I suppress it to obtain this “clarity”,

I commit myself to see how this clarity is not real because it is not able to be sustained for more then a second or two where then I am pulled back into a subtle stream of thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc, that from there it starts again when I realize I am in the mind and I again choose to suppress rather then address.

I commit myself to see how lasting clarity can really only happen through time within application, a commitment to myself in walking each point out to completion and seeing how if I still experience the same thoughts, feelings, emotions, coming up after I walk a point then that is just a indication of a dimension of that point that has been missed or needs to be walked through in more detail.

Ok going to stop here for today and pick it up again later.

154. Suppressive me 2.

 

Ok continuing.

I was writing about how this suppression can cause physical stress within me so I will pick up from there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I have become addicted to stress in some ways where I when I am not in a stressful environment I will automatically form stressful ideas and feelings in my mind to fill in the space so to speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within this identify and associate my “normal” sense of self as the stressful character, and in doing so when I experience myself in clarity and calm I start thinking something is wrong and that I need to fill up that space.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live effectively within being clear and recognizing the difference between clarity within breathe and suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this clarity is something that is not forced like suppression within myself, and that initially clarity within breathe will be fleeting and short lived but as I walk I should be able to maintain silence for longer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that this clarity is the only thing that I am “after” here and not see how this suppression is based directly within a desire to become clear, yet unwilling to walk the necessary steps within my experience which is taking myself on in all its forms.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a unscrupulous value within clarity to the point where I lose sight of what this is representing where the clarity become some sort of prize to be obtained and I forget that what I am really looking to do here is bring myself back to life one point at a time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to yet realize the reality of the time that will need to be put into this point and that the amount of time will be entirely dependent on the intensity of which I apply myself to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to yet understand that a reason for the suppression is that I do/did not want to admit to myself that I have all these points to still walk and want and desire short cuts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sabotage myself by giving in and giving up before I have even begun or put any real effort forward on the table.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within this process by and according to my application and that it is not perfect creating a cyclical experience which is negatively charged where I am not perfect at this time so I am not motivated to continue.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the only reliable way to deal with this is to trust myself and breathe, stand within myself in each moment and see what is there without suppressing it despite it not being pretty or perfect or clear, realizing that in this moment that I can do something about it if I choose.

So within that when and as I see myself suppressing myself, my reactions, my thoughts, feelings and emotions, due to a fear of fear and failure I stop myself and breathe and stand up from the fear because I can realize that letting this fear control me in not being self supportive in any way.

I commit myself to remember that I am able to utilize the gift of self forgiveness with myself in any moment to clear and discharged myself from energetic responses and reactions.

When and as I see myself wanting to suppress as a way to cope with and manage stress I stop myself and breathe realizing that stress is created when there is a internal friction that is being generated and this is easily solved with the acceptance of who I am at this time within the mind instead of fight against who I have built myself up throughout time.

I commit myself to accept me as I am now and to just recognize that there are things about me that have to be addressed in space time and also that these things while being unacceptable will need to be walked out through time.

Ok I will continue with more corrective statements next post.

153. Suppressive me.

 

So I having been for some time now been having this experience of suppression within me and my experience.
I am facing this point of seeing the systems running in me and I am pushing them down and trying to not admit that the are still there.

What I can see and recognize within me is that I am not really allowing myself to fully admit to myself who I am at this time within all of me, not really wanting to say to myself “Hey! You see all this crap over here. Sometime you are going to have to deal with this.” I am not accepting me as who I am in this moment and in doing this I am not able to clearly see where I need to correct myself.

So within this I see that the pertinent thing to do is to actually admit to myself what I’m still accepting and allowing myself to be fully and without manipulation so I can clearly see what I am as and of my mind.

Also to really take these points on as they come up because I can see how pushing them down and suppressing them is actually taking a toll on me in terms of stress, where I am constantly have a wound up experience within me and I am unable to live comfortably.

And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself within suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within this belief that suppression works and that I can successfully win over the mind if I just push some thought, desire, emotion, or feeling when they come to the surface.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that these are all points from the conscious mind which is a indication of sub conscious patterns and programming within me that still are needed to be explored and walked through before I can truly be rid of my separations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel so much shame within my life for the things that I think that I see there to be no way out other then suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the progress that I have made within the evidence that my thoughts and patterns have become much more self aware and responsible then any point before which shows that change is possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any value within this as anything other then a observation point and not actually look any further then that as comparison to the past can hold me stagnant in the present.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to hold the patience within myself to take these points on in a step by step fashion where I do not become overwhelmed with the sheer quantity of separation running within me but instead just face one point that stands out with me each time I choose to take something on and walk that point as clearly as possible, and letting the other points go for the time being until a time comes that I am ready to face another in turn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the complete suppression of all points is really just a way of running from myself consistently, and instead of developing self trust and a consistency of self direction and self honesty, I hide and deceive myself daily through none participation in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how suppression of the mind systems within me can actually be one of the triggers of physical stress within my body and that with the build up of stress there is always consequential outflow of coping mechanisms in which I do not live the expression of life as what is best for all.

Alright I will continue in the next post.

152. Facing myself in debt pt.3

 

So continuing with self corrective statements on the last few posts.

Ok so what have notice about the way that I approach money is that what I do within my experience concerning my financial planning is that I do not really go on anything other then emotions. I have never engaged myself in any sort of consistent way to manage and keep track of my funds.

When and as I see myself becoming angry within myself when I realize the balance that I was carrying on my credit card I stop and breathe and realize that this anger is really because I am disappoint within myself because I can tell that I have not been self honest with how I am conducting myself financially. That I consistently do not see the importance in creating a ledger for myself to keep and understand the movement of money within my life instead of leaving it up to a guessing game and total chance.

And thus I commit myself to build trust with myself by becoming aware and actually caring what will happen if I do not get my financial situation under control.

I commit myself to stop being so hard on myself because I realize that money comes and money goes yet it is the places that I am aware that I am allowing and accepting the money in my life to flow will determine the type of life that I will have and the type of effect that I can have on the lives of other beings and life itself.

when and as I see myself only living within and as a emotions, feelings, and thoughts when it comes to financial decisions I stop myself and breathe and realize that this is really my mind that is attempting to fill in a sense of not really trusting myself to make my decisions in a fashion that will contribute to what is best for all.

And thus I commit myself to stop acting and reacting to emotional triggers in which I make unsound and worthless purchases within my life.

I commit myself to really stand up and see where I am just living a life of desires, and stopping them in a understanding that within desire there is always a point of lack and that if I try to fill in this sense of lack with consumerism then I will be consuming for the rest of my existence here because there is no way to fill in this lack with materials and money.

I commit myself to see how within my life I may not be able to fill the hole with money and things that the unscrupulous spending actually creates a vacuum within the world where I may be spending in this economy over here but over there there exists extreme poverty.

I commit myself to realize that while money within my experience is really within a choice of how I utilize it, being within oneness and equality objectives and alignments or within self interest, that others within the world just require money to survive and that by buying into the system of consumerism and capitalism of self interest I am really just supporting a system where some have and most are starving.

When and as I see myself standing within self doubt about ever escaping debt and the rat race of humans I stop myself and breathe realizing that this is really a point of choice. A choice in where would I prefer to direct myself from, a place of fear and worry about the future based from the past. Or into a place of dynamic learning and self trust, finding out about risk and stopping myself from fearing that point and practicing standing up for life through supporting and creating a systems that stands for what is best for all.

I commit myself to realize that which is best for all, is best for myself within money and finance instead of the common paradigm which states that let me do what I can for me before I look at what I can do for others.

I commit myself to stand within my experience as a point of learning to be able to create myself into a person who is able to be trusted within my own self view of the movements of money in my experience ensuring that I am actually directing a flow of money into the acceptable channels like a Living Income Guarantee, and eventually a equal money system where all will be supported equally and without limitation.

When and as I see my past sabotaging me from realizing myself within this concept of give everything to all equally I stop and breathe and realize that I do not have to define myself within the points that where passed on to me within my past and within my youth growing up.

I commit myself to learn the real value of money which if not defined by and within as life in entire calculated equations of what is here, then it is a self interested form of money system in which a few can become at the expense of and the support from the others within the system.

I commit myself to stop buying into that system to the point where it completely starts worrying me where I will fit into this system.

I commit myself to understand that what systems which do not lead to a permanent solution within this world are based within a money relationship that is in self interest and does not represent the expression of life here.

When and as I hear the pre-programmed nature of the common paradigm of money coming up within my mind telling me that I need to compete with others to carve out my spot in society so I can survive I stop and breathe and reinvent myself in that moment where I stand within the point moving myself as a representation of money as life.

I commit myself to change myself into a support of life where I do not allow my fear of survival and childhood programming to see money as something that needs to be coerce away from others, and from there change myself into a being who can recognize where and how to utilize the current manifestation of money to create a best for all life solution.

So pulling this all together when I see myself not wanting to really put in the time and set aside some time consistently to come up with an idea of where I am financially and sort through this portion of my life here, I stop myself and breathe, understanding that this is really just a point of learning to form a trust withing myself and instead of just trusting the system as it stands to fulfill me financially taking this point and power back into my own hands by learning to understand and move myself into a position where I no longer fear just surviving and instead am actually working with and towards redefining money in my practical experience.

I commit myself to change my relationship with money where I am seeing and using money as a point of support for myself and life here, as well as learning more about solutions such as LIG, and Equal Money, and supporting those systems that will lead to a trustworthy permanent solution for all.

I commit myself to understand that this will take time and that the world market place and forces will go through volatile point so it is important to prepare myself with understanding and not just subjugate myself within emotion and desires around money.

I commit myself to understand that being practical is the point to consider when facing a financial decision, and whether the purchase is something that will support me consistently or only lead me to further trap myself in a cycle of enslavement within money.

I commit myself to be realistic with what I am able to do within my situation concerning money where I do not trap myself within desires about “how I will use my money when…”, or “what I will be able to do in the future” recognizing that these points are actually born within me just from a sense of lacking money and are actually barriers for me to move past within myself to experience myself here unconditionally.

I commit myself to building a life that represents and stands up for life within my experience of money as a factor that is utilized to assist in that standing up for life as creating what is best for all.

Thanks.

151. Facing myself in debt part 2.

 

So last time I wrote a little bit into a experience about being in debt still. Here I will attempt to write more about where these patterns arose from and how this point triggered them.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look back on my life in anger when finding out how I am still in debt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with my parents for the choices that they made in the past and placing the responsibility onto them for where I stand within myself today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up within myself and realize that the reason why I am in debt is actually my own responsibility and a result to not properly put in the time to manage myself financially and to live within my own means.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become triggered into this anger automatically when I found out how much again I owe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a future projection on the result of how much I would/should owe and from there did not like the actual reality of the what the situation would present, and in that becoming angry when the situation did not present itself as I projected within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always to have continued to live within a pipe dream that I will magically manifest money or the lack of debt within my life where I will have money to burn and not realize how I have used money unscrupulously within my experience and not taken into account the role that money plays within the world where some have money and some have nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always believe that I will be poor because within my childhood I would see those with money on tv and always view and consider myself from within a point of inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to flip to the other side in response to this self view and stand within a desire to be rich not ever stopping to see that within me that desire is solely based within the lack that I am associating myself within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this desire to be the main deterrent within my life to actually making financial stability a reality for me where I self sabotage myself into thinking I am not that much in debt let me spend just a little more then usual.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop and see how if I have only one source of income and that if I am buying something that has no practical purpose in my life presently that this is a liability to my financial stability and is a point to consider in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make purchase base solely within an emotional and splurging mentality where I do not actually need something but I buy it to make me feel better, or feel good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny that my entire life has been this type of spending the most obvious has been my history with marijuana where I would spend a third of my income on weed in the past and be broke for the rest of the time, choosing to smoke rather then eat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this pattern has continued even though I have stopped using/buying weed I notice that the pattern of spending to fulfill a hole is still prominent within me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how this is a point of self willing myself to remain here in common sense and practically about my approach of how I spend my money and realize that to create a world that is best for all I as a individual need to develop a trust within myself in how I conduct myself financially and see that I spend my money in was that are productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how spending money into entertainment is not something that needs to be completely vilified but something that can be approached with a common sense perspective in understanding where I stand financially and being clear that if or if not a purchase will put me into financial distress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point that the within this process the point of becoming financially stable is always within the deeper context and goal of creating a world that is best for all, and realizing that to do this that money will be required to change the way that this world operates by first understanding how it operates within and as my own experience first hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that within this point I have to realize that to really make change within the system as a whole I will have to participate within the group as Desteni and that will require me to give up some of my income to the group to support the creation of equal money so all may have and exist equally as I can exist and have comfort as I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is a point of self honesty within self as wasting time and resources is really saying that I do not stand for life and do not stand for equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that up to this point everything that I have considered to be difficult and painstaking in regards to my financial situation is and has been nothing when it is shown that much of the world is living in immense poverty and from where I am standing that I am actually living a life of immense waste.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in as the feelings and emotions that trigger the unchecked consumerism within my life in a attempt to fill a void that actually in not recognized to be of a separated and self interested nature where I do not actually stop for one second to really consider what I am doing when I have made purchases in my life, not realizing or caring where the things that I consume come from or where they go when I discard them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue on in this manner under the guise that this is acceptable because everyone else that I know is doing this and that this is the world that I was raised into and that I am unable to learn/behave any other way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the relationships that money has with everything in this world and that this will prove in the future what type of being that I actually am, one that stands for life or one that stands apart.

I will continue with more tomorrow thanks.

150. Facing myself in debt.

 

Yesterday I experienced quite some stress. I have been trying to pay off my credit debt and I have come quite close the last pay period. So yesterday I went to the bank to deposit a cheque and I found out that again I was back up to large amount pay off. Immediately I started to react with anger and shame. I started berating myself for my purchases, and this manifested into many thoughts about what I am going to do. I started to blame others for why I cannot get out of debt and blame the system feeling hatred for the system, but not taking any personal responsibility within this point.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the experience of stress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate stability and being ok within myself with my financial situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just accept my situation for what it is and understand that some purchases are necessary, from within the responsibilities that I committed to in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I do not have money that I am worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel trapped because I do not have money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I found out that I again owed a substantial amount to pay off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within shame of myself because I spent money and was not able to get out of debt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this idea that I need to escape debt.

So another dynamic within the thoughts that were coming up is that I have been wanting to buy a juicer for many months now and have not because I told myself I can buy one when I am out of debt. But I keep feeling disappointed because I am unable to pay of my debt and have not been able to get the juicer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed within myself because I am unable to buy something that I desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this object to become the the “only thing that I want” and using it as a reason to freak out when I cannot have what I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is only a point of lack where I do not believe that I am able to live a effective or enjoyable life because I do not yet have this juicer.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how this will only manifest into the next desire once I have this one and that this cycle of consumerism will actually never stop within me if I do not actually stand and take self responsibility for myself and my points of purchase and desire on/in a daily fashion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in blame towards others for getting in the way between myself and what I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from what is here and instead constantly only look ahead to another time when I am out of debt and satisfied with life.

So in the next post I will continue into what realizations that I have about where these patterns are coming from and how they came to be.

149. Sc statements for 147/148.

 

So what I have come to see and recognize within myself concerning this point is that I am actually responsible for these diseases within myself by passively agreeing and subscribing to the paradigm that being skinny is the natural way for a women to present themselves and that I have been in fact allowing and accepting myself to react in disgust and indifference if this standard is not upheld and within me I assume and uphold the belief that girls who are skinny are actually more aware of and in control of themselves. When in fact this system within me is based within and as a standard that has been pushed within society as being the normal acceptable standard for women to model themselves after and not seeing how this standard is rooted in dysfunctional eating habits.

So when and as I see myself accepting and allowing the proposed standard of beauty as skinny/petite/fit/etc I stop myself and see how I have been fool into subscribing into this delusion where women are made to feel inferior for not subjugating themselves to a way of living that is in deprivation of a actual natural and supportive way of eating and supplying there physical bodies with sustenance.

I commit myself to stop looking at women as comparison of who is holding to this paradigm and who is not and judging them for how closely they can sculpt themselves to that standard through self deprivation.

I commit myself to place greater value on women who have the mentality to limit/starve themselves into skinniness.

I commit myself to take into account the point that feeding oneself should be about supplying oneself with the proper amount of nutrition for natural body function and realize that placing image above this point of support for ones body is vanity and is self dishonesty.

I commit myself to see that when I place myself in a position of admiration for/of the female image above the point of equality with the other being I am actual in support of these systems and diseases within other beings.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger and resentment towards another being because they are showing me how this is actually what is happening within this world I stop myself and breathe and realize that I am in fact one and equal with the other being regardless of there image or how they present themselves.

And thus I commit myself to see however a being presents themselves in this world they are always one and equal with me and that adhere to a pre-programmed standard of beauty system I am actually allowing myself to be a support of these systems of disease and dishonesty within the world.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to be rule within the system of beauty and that beauty is really on a mind create delusion of polarity where one being is seen to be more valuable because of standards programmed into society through the use of media and brainwashing the populace from youth.

I commit myself to see how this point is a constant pattern within me.

I commit myself to stop participating in this system when I notice that I am in admiration and awe of any particular being.

I commit myself to stop placing beings within and as a hierarchy in terms of who is more beautiful then the next human being.

I commit myself to stand as one and equal with all being despite how there physical image is presented as pictures that I view.

I commit myself to see how this system of beauty is a industry within society that actually distracts and diverts attention away from actual real expression and hold myself and others in a state of hypnosis.

I commit myself to see how this point is actually a large contributor to abuse in this world through all sort of means like abductions, rape, trafficking, pornography, etc.

I commit myself to see support of this system within myself actually supports inequality where some within the dynamic of this standard benefit through fame and envy and that the majority of others will subjugate themselves to malnutrition and starvation in attempt to emulate those that have positioned themselves as examples of the standard of skinny.

I commit myself to see how this system is actually blind to and diverting attention from the fact that while many may purposely live a life of deprivation there is half the population of the world that currently lives in starvation which is not a choice.

I commit myself to see how I am a supporter of starvation within this world when I subscribe to the religion of skinny/beauty.

I commit myself to stop supporting this pattern within me in a full recognition of the consequence of what supporting this mentality has within the world and within society.

I commit myself to educate myself within the tactics which are used to create this ideology within women to show that I can actually stand as equal and one with all despite physical appearance.

When and as I see myself attaching myself to particular judgement about how/what people should eat and how much I stop myself and breathe, realizing that I actually have not real conceptual understand of what the body actually needs presently.

And thus I commit myself to from this point on stop the judgments that I have towards others and how they choose to approach feeding themselves.

I commit myself to further build my understanding of the human physical body and come to actual fact of what is require to fuel and sustain the body in reality.

I commit myself to the realization that most of what society has come to understand about food and nutrition is not compatible with the understanding of the mind and that it will take me, personally, time to figure out how these two points are interconnected and relate to each other.

In the meantime I commit myself to stop look at others as being right or wrong in how they conduct themselves in relation to eating habits, on both sides of the equation of overeating and deprivation.

I commit myself to stop placing personal investment in how others conduct themselves into how I view them, once and for all realizing that they are one and equal with me always no matter how they look in comparison, and understanding that whenever I compare I am mind, I am ego, and that this is unacceptable.

I commit myself to walk myself out of this system with haste and grace committing to stopping whenever face with reactions in that moment recognizing that that I am responsible for myself and my judgment and allowances of this system within me entirely.

 

I will continue within this tomorrow.

148. Realizing my own responsibility.

So continuing with my last post more in the direction of who I am within how I react to this other being.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the other being as one and equal with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not putting myself in the the others beings eyes and realizing that what they are going through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only exist within anger and frustration when faced with this other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how initially I reacted with attraction when first encountering her in the shelter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize this system of what I consider to be beautiful in this world where I still buy into and hold “skinny” as the standard of beauty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how that standard of beauty actually manifests these diseases within the world and adhering to and upholding that standard within myself is supporting that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support Anorexia and Bulimia within this world through giving energy to and existing within a mind system that take stock in the beauty of skinny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that for women (or men) to maintain that scope of body image that invariably many will not be eating a proper range of nutrition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care about that and only really see what is happening on skin level, and not really looking at the bigger picture of what is healthy for the human body to exist in but actually only exist within and as a mind system who automatically just judges and either dismiss women as being attractive or not, and within this based on their image category of skinny, etc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the consequences that upholding this standard of beauty within society has on females within the world and just living within and as my own personal world where I deem one person as being more beautiful then the next, living in totally unacceptable ignorance of my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to really only behave within self interest not taking into consideration what a fixation on perfect body image actually supports within this world and within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this person to actually trigger anger and frustration because I am faced with that consequence in reality, seeing first hand that the effects of a “skinny” standard of beauty actually can manifest into disease for some people.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see for the first time that just passively accepting this standard within me is contributing and upholding these diseases within society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not put any/less value into people if there image does not hit a particular range within me, and realize that the range is rooted and based within a anorexic standard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this person’s choices really have no effect on me really but have actually only brought to the surface the points of facing these systems of what I find attractive within women, and realizing that they are not acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself into thinking that what she is doing is effecting me in some way but really what is happening is that she has become a representation of what I am accepting and allowing to still exist within me and the anger and frustration is the friction that is generated through a breakdown within my delusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself in the thinking that girls that are skinny must be (more) perfect on the inside because they are aware of there bodies, what they are consuming and how much, when in reality this is just another delusion placing value in one thing/person over another again because of image and pictures in this case.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and regard all others as equal and one with myself regardless of what other people do or what their image looks like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this pre-programmed system to run through-out my life wherein growing up I accepted and allowed myself to be indoctrinated into the paradigm of what the mass media world was feeding me as what is “beautiful” and what is “ugly”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I was/have been brainwashed into believing in diet regimes/exercise routines as the pathway to a healthy image and not actually see how this starting point of basing everything out of and as the image of one’s body to be the end all to why we do things.

I forgive myself to be swept up within the dichotomy of the equation where within myself I have bought into the belief that men are supposed to eat more and grow muscle and women are supposed to eat less and get skinny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point of simply supporting and assisting ones body to function properly and in learning and understanding the effects of certain foods on the body from a homeopathy perspective.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how these sub-conscious patterns are actually afflicting me in my daily interactions with others and not really fully allowing myself to experience myself as equal and one with them at all.

Ok I will continue in the next post.