On a recommendation of my buddy I was suggested to read a post by one of the other Destonians concerning the experiences that I am going through.
So I did and there was a striking similarity within my world right now with what I have been accepting and allowing, where there is a downpression within myself and not really seeing the point, not seeing myself change and walking a line in which I just do not care.
I can see how within this there is definitely a point of not really looking at myself with the type of starting point that is indicative of me as life. So far I am experiencing the same thing where I do not apply myself as a point of commitment to self. Where I see small accomplishments as something that is enough and not realizing that these accomplishments are coming from a place of knowledge and information.
So I have to ask myself why is this? What is MY reasoning’s and rationalities why I cannot pull myself out of this. Explore and share myself within this process in a SELF-honesty way?
I can see this anger within me. This anger that is coming from my situation. I am frustrated with my lot. With my pick in life and angry with how I got to this point. Angry with my family life and social life and unsatisfied with how I present and voice myself. Unwillingness to make actual commitments within my partnership and angry that I am not able to live the way that I used to live in weed, porn, skateboarding and so on and on.
And in this anger there lies just a fear and a belief that I cannot change. I notice that rather then this idea that I cannot change the reality of the situation is more like I will not change. I choose to pre-occupy my life with so much other useless activities, and avoidances. All the while not realizing that this is the reason why I am not changing, I am not stopping myself. I do not stop to take some of the information and knowledge out and release some of the points within me. I am full of crap that has preoccupied me over the course of my life and I feel helpless to it. What struck me is that I am always maintaining this attachment that I have with creating and looking for experiences. Like always in journey of the next experience.
So within this process of walking myself back to life I need to realize and walk to point that making room within my world for a new way of living, understanding that making room for new things will require letting go of old things and that if I continue to hold on I will not have space and will invariably fall. I have to learn trust within myself in this process and not allow myself to become triggered within my self doubts. Really gifting myself with a new voice of self trust and self honesty. And understanding that to be able to be here now is a priveledge and that the opportunity to gain understanding of myself with the support of others/tools is also something that is valuable beyond measure. Something that I must realize if not taking into account is actual abuse of life on my part through not becoming really willing to take that next step within myself and commit to this new way of living.
So what would be the main point here which is driving and directing this nature? Looking at my behaviour and tendencies it seems that the main point would be a unwillingness to let go of experiences, from the perspective that I am really only attempting to avoid taking on myself by preoccupying myself in the mind.
I notice this most prominently when I would rather watch a tv show than read a blog or play a game than write my blog. I would rather think and entertain myself in thoughts than remain present here in breathe. And I am noticing that most of my points are based within this avoidance of facing myself where I do everything strictly to escape from writing or applying myself here as a real expression. So this over abundance of time spent on entertaining myself is not really indictive of recreating a new self but is just manifestations of old patterns, routines, and programs. And then from there going into patterns of guilt, and “I should know better” and basing my process out of this, not seeing how I am making this process a punishment in a sense for not standing absolute.
It was really cool to read in this blog the point of just making this process about oneself, a good refresher in realizing that this is not about appearing to others a certain way and/or to make oneself “feel better” because it will only come around again, or be brought to the surface eventually. But to really see how it is important to become clear within one’s approach for me, and be self honest, find my own voice within this and learn to have fun within it at the same time and stop taking myself so serious like its a all or nothing type of thing which for me has definitely triggered so many relapses especially when it comes to porn. Where I feel like everything has become a disaster because I fell instead of seeing how this it the indication that I still have to walk the point fully, that it is still there and exists.
Alright to begin with self forgiveness on this point;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within a preoccupied life where I jump from one experience to the next looking to generate energetic reactions from a point of not believing that I can change and avoiding even attempting to change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my entire experience of myself to be based within a belief, one where I do not allow myself to have room to test out the possibility of change and instead only lock myself into a particular limited view of who I will be able to be.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself as this point of actually just applying myself and seeing what comes out of it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only really walk this process within a point of maintaining a particular image of myself like I am walking with consistency when in fact I am not really being honest with myself in what I am able to achieve in each day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is actually base within the point of not being able to see the next step as a threat to who I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the past. Where I choose to sit as the old me rather then take the process as a series of steps in changing myself one day after the next.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distraught towards myself because I continuously feel like I am not making progress fast enough without realizing that progress cannot be made through any kind of preordained measure in my mind or else it is a program born of influence and does not reflect who I am here in the now.
I commit myself to see that within this process I will have to let go of the preoccupations to make room for a new way of living and that old patterns will need to be completely released to be able to input new patterns that stand the test of equality and will be sustainable through out my life in the best interest of all life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distraught with the process of writing because it takes time away from the old patterned self of spending time in a preoccupied state of entertainment, and not realizing that this is actually only a state of not wanting to face myself in that moment and instead filling up that time in the mind or in a hypnotic state in front of the television or in a game.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the tv or the game is not the issue but the deeper issue is this desire to return or remain in the old ways of experiencing myself because I believe that they are easier and simpler. I see a lot more internal conflict at this stage simply because I am fighting with myself on these points of changing me from one state of myself to another.
So when and as I see myself looking to slide back into old ways and patterns I stop myself and breathe looking at why those ways are appealing like why does it seem more appealing to remain the same as always? So I commit myself to realize that this experience that I perceive as being simple and easy but only exist within the mind as being this way because I am not really testing myself as a real expression of myself here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire instant results and not realizing that this process will take much time and practice to back to a place of clarity and nothingness within self and that feeling bad about where I am and all things such attached to this depression within self will actually be because of a lack of acceptance of this simple point that it will take time.
I commit myself to have patience within myself and push forth from where I am and instead to work with what is available to me in the amount of time I have.
I commit myself to stop this pattern of becoming impatient and then using this point of its not happening quick enough to return to a state of just giving up on walking for that time being and returning to old ways of experiencing myself in energetic desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger at where I am standing within my life and not really understanding what it is that got me to this point and only ever really feeling frustration towards myself here instead of seeing this as a opportunity to work with and walk with myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the the only way to understand is to investigate and get to know myself as I stand here and now and from there work towards a new position of self awareness.
When and as I see myself beginning to become angry with where I am and where I stand I stop myself and realize that this is only due to a feeling of lack within my life and that I am not accepting myself as a person who can change myself. I commit myself to changing myself but from the starting point that change is a process that occurs through time and that will not just magically happen because I desire it to, in fact the desire becomes a obstacle because the desire is based within future and past projections of myself.
I commit myself to stand within my writing as a real expression of myself and not just a doing it because I feel like I have to so I can change and realizing that this writing if for me to experience myself in self honest and get to understand me and seeing my points and separations within me as a way to really explore myself for myself rather then just trying to get somewhere and not really ever reaching that place because it is somewhere created in my mind.
I commit myself to start standing within my writing as a infinite expression of me in the moment.
I commit myself to the realization that I will initially miss many points as I am not able to see them until they are brought to the surface and this will take some time as the points will only come to the surface through experiences, and so understanding that from the starting point of self support falling is not the end of the world but a opportunity to really see who I am within my points of separation the only thing that is require is for me to unconditionally walk through the point as it arises.
I commit myself to not be afraid of these points because it feels like I am failing but to remember that the thoughts and patterns will initially persist until I walk through them and that they are merely a reflection of who I am still accepting and allowing myself to be within me.
I commit myself to build the self trust necessary to stop missing days for no reason other then not feeling like it and that this is really a point of letting the mind have control of my process and not taking myself on despite what my mind is telling me and making excuses for.
I commit myself to walk past these excuses and bring myself back here in those times of resistance forcing myself to do the things that I know will be supportive for me to do and stop the things that I know are just a mind created point of distraction and doubt.
I commit myself to stop giving up on myself because I just don’t believe that change is possible but really what is happening is that I am not allowing myself to stand in patience as I walk and so this is creating the experience of myself not change when in fact it is the doubt that is triggering the relapses and giving up on me so I also commit to just see through the initial desire to change and just start to trust myself within each moment to stand in self honesty and stop the want to become changed somewhere in the future, I need to live the change that I want to see within me.
Ok thanks that’s enough for the moment. More tomorrow.