So I would like to open up here about just where I am still having trouble with actually saying self forgiveness in the moment.
I am trying to identify what is really stopping me from saying forgiveness as the points appear within me. I notice that there is some level of fear attached to it like a fear of not knowing what to say within the moment.
I become overwhelmed within the moment by other thoughts and complexity of the scape of what is happening all the time. Up until this point I am noticing that breathing has been effective in stopping the thoughts when I notice that they are taking me over, but I have yet to utilize vocalizing myself in a effective way as yet.
I notice that there is a somewhat resistance to go there as well like I do not really want to take that step on.
Almost as if I am am finding that to taxing on me from the perspective of having to put effort into something such as finding out about myself in real time. This is interesting because so far this has really only been about the blog but I am noticing more that this is really about me in the moment in real time.
I notice a giving in those moment, a unwillingness to explore in any depth. I am not able to see as clearly as with writing out my forgiveness as I am not able to keep track of where I have been within me, this confuses me when I have to actually speak forgiveness out loud and somewhat scares me because I cannot look back on what I was just saying a few moments before, wherein with writing I can look into the past easier. But within that I am also recognizing the level of self honesty and trust that one must build with oneself to say effective forgiveness out loud because it is something that requires one to actually communicate and investigate self in real time right in the moment, and I am able to notice where and how I will be able to lie to myself through the flow of my words instead of writing where the words can easily be manipulated by me.
Also within this I notice a fear of giving up what I have accepted and allow myself to be this whole time, I fear giving up this reality of the mind that I have created for myself and saying self forgiveness represents that giving up so I avoid going into it in any great detail and specificity when speaking self forgiveness out loud to myself. A point which really highlights all of my forgiveness processes so far in which, am I really saying forgiveness for me, or just to get through it?
So obviously I have not been as effective in this area as I can be because the results are still showing that I many remaining patterns showing up all the time and not willing myself to face me in the moment is really not allowing me to move forward. So I will continue exploring this point in my next post.