147. Dear Girl.

So a point that has arisen at work is that this girl has started staying at the shelter who I have noticed, has a eating disorder. There are many examples that I have noticed about it. But the point that would like to cover is that she is constantly asking for stuff from the kitchen. I notice that I am getting frustrated, with her for asking all the time and with myself for reacting in frustration afterwards. Obviously my mind wants to just play the nice guy and give everyone what they want so I can be likable but I have started noticing that at my work when that is done and I do not set limits within me of what my ground rules are people tend to escalate their “needs”. So learning to say no is something that I am facing right now overall. But anyways there is this point where this girl will come multiple times per day asking for toast and peanut butter. She will literally beg me and I start to feel slightly angry, guilty and frustrated because I do not know how to deal with her/the situation. So recently I have started to just say no regardless since I have noticed that she does not actually eat anything that I give to her she just stores it. So this frustration arises, and thoughts move like; “why do you even want that if your not going to eat it”, “your killing yourself”, “what do you want now?”, “what is this girls deal?”, “this little girl is the biggest problem I have faced here yet”. And I start to speculate things like why she moves so slowly and has this very slow process of cognition, like “she must be low on iron or something.” I asked another client who has been talking to her about whats going on and he said she has it stuck in her head that she just doesn’t want to get fat.

On one level I have started to feel sympathy for the girl because she is causing this problem for herself and I would like to help her in some way, and on the other hand I move into anger because of the same reason that she is doing this to herself, and that I am forced to face the problem of her coming up and asking all the time.

It occurs to me that I why I am torn on this situation is perhaps partly because I do not understand bulimia, and partly because I do not want to accept disruptions to my experience in great amounts. I do not want to be tested on any large scale outside the bounds of my comfort.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger when dealing with this girl.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel frustrated when she comes asking for food.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to another’s mind to control me within my own experience of myself, and allow myself to use this person as a excuse to not live in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if she is a disruption to the stability within myself and process, not seeing how she is actually showing me a different dimension of how I still react towards others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in a unbelievable and incredulous way because I do not understand the reasoning of this girl.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in a negative way towards things that I do not understand yet and towards people that bring forth these reactions within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always base my experience around others to the point where when another pushes the boundaries of what I am capable of providing within the limits of my job I get unnerved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to say no to another being within my job because I do not want to become known or have a reputation for being a mean or hard person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my self view around maintaining a proper image of myself within how others view me at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to actually set and follow boundaries with myself in what I will or will not do at work when people ask me for things, extra food, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I do not give people what they want that they will not respect me, when in fact the opposite is more likely true where if I do not say no in certain times and set boundaries I will become walked over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that this is actually a point of self esteem where I still validate myself within and as what people think about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt because I am saying no to this girl who is obviously needing to eat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt because I am denying her what she wants.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt because I believe that I should be able to help this girl, when I really cannot.

I forgive myself for accept and allowing myself to not realize that I am only able to effectively learn about myself within the situation and change accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give support from the perspective of providing what I can for another being without compromising myself in the process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the being without knowing really what she is going through within herself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not place myself within the other persons experience and learn what I can about the struggles of living within that particular mindset.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that that reactions that I am having are basically because I am standing in a position of superiority where I see the way that I live to be better, rather then seeing the other being as someone who is equal and just requires support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hole myself up within my superiority complex to where I do not/cannot actually open myself as any sort of effective support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the other being as a challenger within my world where she is there to make things more difficult for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “why do you want that if your not even going to eat it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this being because I do not understand why she does certain things, and do not understand the mind systems that she is going through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “your killing yourself”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fear for another being because of the physical state of decay that I can see on her body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to directly participate within the others beings experience because I do not want to be a part of that beings self abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “what do you want now?”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always move into a place of not wanting to have to deal with the other being because I stand within this believe that she is not going to help herself anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “what is this girls deal.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the time to learn about what this being may be experiencing within herself and not take any value within interacting with her because I am not like that or know anyone else like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that point of separation there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “this little girl is the biggest problem I have faced here yet.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this girl as a problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within the believe that people themselves are the problems when in fact within my own experience I am creating the problems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I people can be solved like equations within how I deal with them not realizing that I need to actually take self accountability and solve my own equation first before attempting to direct anyone, or I end up making more mistakes initially.

Ok I will continue with more in the next post.

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2 thoughts on “147. Dear Girl.

  1. Hi Alex, how about looking at the pattern that you are walking from a impersonal perspective because there is no need to mention the name of the person.

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