150. Facing myself in debt.

 

Yesterday I experienced quite some stress. I have been trying to pay off my credit debt and I have come quite close the last pay period. So yesterday I went to the bank to deposit a cheque and I found out that again I was back up to large amount pay off. Immediately I started to react with anger and shame. I started berating myself for my purchases, and this manifested into many thoughts about what I am going to do. I started to blame others for why I cannot get out of debt and blame the system feeling hatred for the system, but not taking any personal responsibility within this point.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the experience of stress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate stability and being ok within myself with my financial situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just accept my situation for what it is and understand that some purchases are necessary, from within the responsibilities that I committed to in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I do not have money that I am worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel trapped because I do not have money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I found out that I again owed a substantial amount to pay off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within shame of myself because I spent money and was not able to get out of debt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this idea that I need to escape debt.

So another dynamic within the thoughts that were coming up is that I have been wanting to buy a juicer for many months now and have not because I told myself I can buy one when I am out of debt. But I keep feeling disappointed because I am unable to pay of my debt and have not been able to get the juicer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed within myself because I am unable to buy something that I desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this object to become the the “only thing that I want” and using it as a reason to freak out when I cannot have what I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is only a point of lack where I do not believe that I am able to live a effective or enjoyable life because I do not yet have this juicer.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how this will only manifest into the next desire once I have this one and that this cycle of consumerism will actually never stop within me if I do not actually stand and take self responsibility for myself and my points of purchase and desire on/in a daily fashion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in blame towards others for getting in the way between myself and what I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from what is here and instead constantly only look ahead to another time when I am out of debt and satisfied with life.

So in the next post I will continue into what realizations that I have about where these patterns are coming from and how they came to be.

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