151. Facing myself in debt part 2.

 

So last time I wrote a little bit into a experience about being in debt still. Here I will attempt to write more about where these patterns arose from and how this point triggered them.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look back on my life in anger when finding out how I am still in debt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with my parents for the choices that they made in the past and placing the responsibility onto them for where I stand within myself today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up within myself and realize that the reason why I am in debt is actually my own responsibility and a result to not properly put in the time to manage myself financially and to live within my own means.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become triggered into this anger automatically when I found out how much again I owe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a future projection on the result of how much I would/should owe and from there did not like the actual reality of the what the situation would present, and in that becoming angry when the situation did not present itself as I projected within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always to have continued to live within a pipe dream that I will magically manifest money or the lack of debt within my life where I will have money to burn and not realize how I have used money unscrupulously within my experience and not taken into account the role that money plays within the world where some have money and some have nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always believe that I will be poor because within my childhood I would see those with money on tv and always view and consider myself from within a point of inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to flip to the other side in response to this self view and stand within a desire to be rich not ever stopping to see that within me that desire is solely based within the lack that I am associating myself within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this desire to be the main deterrent within my life to actually making financial stability a reality for me where I self sabotage myself into thinking I am not that much in debt let me spend just a little more then usual.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop and see how if I have only one source of income and that if I am buying something that has no practical purpose in my life presently that this is a liability to my financial stability and is a point to consider in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make purchase base solely within an emotional and splurging mentality where I do not actually need something but I buy it to make me feel better, or feel good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny that my entire life has been this type of spending the most obvious has been my history with marijuana where I would spend a third of my income on weed in the past and be broke for the rest of the time, choosing to smoke rather then eat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this pattern has continued even though I have stopped using/buying weed I notice that the pattern of spending to fulfill a hole is still prominent within me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how this is a point of self willing myself to remain here in common sense and practically about my approach of how I spend my money and realize that to create a world that is best for all I as a individual need to develop a trust within myself in how I conduct myself financially and see that I spend my money in was that are productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how spending money into entertainment is not something that needs to be completely vilified but something that can be approached with a common sense perspective in understanding where I stand financially and being clear that if or if not a purchase will put me into financial distress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point that the within this process the point of becoming financially stable is always within the deeper context and goal of creating a world that is best for all, and realizing that to do this that money will be required to change the way that this world operates by first understanding how it operates within and as my own experience first hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that within this point I have to realize that to really make change within the system as a whole I will have to participate within the group as Desteni and that will require me to give up some of my income to the group to support the creation of equal money so all may have and exist equally as I can exist and have comfort as I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is a point of self honesty within self as wasting time and resources is really saying that I do not stand for life and do not stand for equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that up to this point everything that I have considered to be difficult and painstaking in regards to my financial situation is and has been nothing when it is shown that much of the world is living in immense poverty and from where I am standing that I am actually living a life of immense waste.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in as the feelings and emotions that trigger the unchecked consumerism within my life in a attempt to fill a void that actually in not recognized to be of a separated and self interested nature where I do not actually stop for one second to really consider what I am doing when I have made purchases in my life, not realizing or caring where the things that I consume come from or where they go when I discard them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue on in this manner under the guise that this is acceptable because everyone else that I know is doing this and that this is the world that I was raised into and that I am unable to learn/behave any other way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the relationships that money has with everything in this world and that this will prove in the future what type of being that I actually am, one that stands for life or one that stands apart.

I will continue with more tomorrow thanks.

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