153. Suppressive me.

 

So I having been for some time now been having this experience of suppression within me and my experience.
I am facing this point of seeing the systems running in me and I am pushing them down and trying to not admit that the are still there.

What I can see and recognize within me is that I am not really allowing myself to fully admit to myself who I am at this time within all of me, not really wanting to say to myself “Hey! You see all this crap over here. Sometime you are going to have to deal with this.” I am not accepting me as who I am in this moment and in doing this I am not able to clearly see where I need to correct myself.

So within this I see that the pertinent thing to do is to actually admit to myself what I’m still accepting and allowing myself to be fully and without manipulation so I can clearly see what I am as and of my mind.

Also to really take these points on as they come up because I can see how pushing them down and suppressing them is actually taking a toll on me in terms of stress, where I am constantly have a wound up experience within me and I am unable to live comfortably.

And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself within suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within this belief that suppression works and that I can successfully win over the mind if I just push some thought, desire, emotion, or feeling when they come to the surface.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that these are all points from the conscious mind which is a indication of sub conscious patterns and programming within me that still are needed to be explored and walked through before I can truly be rid of my separations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel so much shame within my life for the things that I think that I see there to be no way out other then suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the progress that I have made within the evidence that my thoughts and patterns have become much more self aware and responsible then any point before which shows that change is possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any value within this as anything other then a observation point and not actually look any further then that as comparison to the past can hold me stagnant in the present.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to hold the patience within myself to take these points on in a step by step fashion where I do not become overwhelmed with the sheer quantity of separation running within me but instead just face one point that stands out with me each time I choose to take something on and walk that point as clearly as possible, and letting the other points go for the time being until a time comes that I am ready to face another in turn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the complete suppression of all points is really just a way of running from myself consistently, and instead of developing self trust and a consistency of self direction and self honesty, I hide and deceive myself daily through none participation in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how suppression of the mind systems within me can actually be one of the triggers of physical stress within my body and that with the build up of stress there is always consequential outflow of coping mechanisms in which I do not live the expression of life as what is best for all.

Alright I will continue in the next post.

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