155. Suppressive me 3.

 

Continuing.

I commit myself to push past my tendency to feel like I need to be in a stressful state to be able to feel normal.

I commit myself to realize that stress is actually a representation of a mind created scenario within me where I am projecting a undesirable outcome, or a reaction to a unfavorable event that I have experienced in the past, and never stopping to realize in the moment of experiencing myself within stress I have a choice to experience myself as stress or to breathe dissipate the stress and remain here as breathe.

I commit myself to see how I have allowed and accepted myself to for a habitual relationship with stress throughout my life and growing up because I have never been in a position to utilize tools that would have effectively let me explore the events happening to me and instead I learned early on that the only coping method that seemed to work was pushing them down within me and suppressing them.

I commit myself to see how this is proven within me through the many break downs I have had and the use of drugs to maintain a sense of normalcy/stability within myself never stopping to actually find out what was happening and why I was experiencing these points through suppression of myself in the first place.

I commit myself to stopping the stress that is generated when I realize that how many points that I have still to cover within my process and instead focus on the moment that I am experiencing and focus myself in one area and one point that is making itself apparent.

When and as I feel myself becoming overwhelming within myself I stop, breathe, and bring myself back here and start saying my forgiveness aloud as a self commitment to me showing that I am able and willing to step up in the face of what I have accepted and allowed myself who life.

I commit myself to continuously interfere with my mind through self forgiveness of points that come up, seeing that participation in the mind in any form is really a point of self dishonesty.

I commit myself to see that it is impossible at this stage to be able to stop the mind effectively at all levels where I am able to see every point the comes up with clarity and therefor realize that taking each point apart will take time and the mechanics of how thoughts come up is actually a something that will have to be walked over the course of years.

I commit myself therefore to realize the difference of suppression and stopping participation where suppression has no intent whatsoever to take on those points and instead supposes to hide myself from me which obviously is impossible.

I commit myself to realize that stopping participation in a thought stream is only a temporary solution, where the thoughts, judgements, feelings, emotions, will remain and return because the subconscious patterning that is generating the thoughts has not be address or accounted for so the same patterns of thoughts, etc, will return at the next opportunity until it is changed, dealt with.

When and as I see myself living in a form of suppression because of desire to experience myself in clarity I stop myself and breathe, seeing how this is actually a point of self dishonesty where I am longing for a particular experience of myself and instead of directing myself out of a point that needs to be address at one point of another I suppress it to obtain this “clarity”,

I commit myself to see how this clarity is not real because it is not able to be sustained for more then a second or two where then I am pulled back into a subtle stream of thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc, that from there it starts again when I realize I am in the mind and I again choose to suppress rather then address.

I commit myself to see how lasting clarity can really only happen through time within application, a commitment to myself in walking each point out to completion and seeing how if I still experience the same thoughts, feelings, emotions, coming up after I walk a point then that is just a indication of a dimension of that point that has been missed or needs to be walked through in more detail.

Ok going to stop here for today and pick it up again later.

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