178. Accepting energy as the starting point. (Why? part three)

 

Looking at myself I can see that this whole thing really has to do with the starting point of who I am within this process. And looking at the process this is really about what relationship do I hold in regards to energy, as well as why I have these relationships to energy. As mentioned before I have yet to accept me as the whole version of myself where I am able to see the entirety of who and what I have accepted and allowed within my life, so it seems that self forgiveness is the only way to go about that with any sort of direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize to the extent in which I have accepting energy as my god, wherein all of my relationship and interactions with the external world are all based within a energetic relationship of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize the signature of this in everything that I do, where subtly I based all my decisions on feelings and emotion which is movements of energy within my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how bought into the energetic model that I have become and from here give more power to the ego through the use and participation in energy within me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing me to accept me as the entirety of who I have become up until now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be soft with myself from the perspective that I place so much shame, fear, and guilt within me from what I have done/accepted throughout my life that I just do not want to face me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point that all of these want/don’t wants are actually have a energetic signature as emotions and feelings and that this is actually what is directing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of just letting go of what still must be done ahead and instead just being here with myself breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not yet fully understand and accept the idea that I am just a mind at this stage, I am the mind and there is no amount of forgiveness that will change that in this moment presently yet…

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in time and with some effort I can start to walk with myself an work with myself in what is best for me as what is best for all in this deconstruction of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this will be extremely difficult in all respects and that accepting the challenge of what I have become is huge, and will most likely be the most difficult thing that I will ever take on in life because I am actually taking on myself at every point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point that to begin to see clarity within my process I really need to understand the starting point of where I am and why am I doing this, this will take some time and effort to get to this understanding, but I commit myself to see it through even if it takes more time then what my mind tells me it should be taking, I commit myself to continue walking in self honesty.

Ok I will write out some more once I get home today.

177. Why? Part two: The energy.

 

So what I have realized since yesterday about this particular point of accessing why I am still having trouble sticking to the principles of equality and oneness is obviously quite a large and broad point to cover because it is not like it is just one point but like a accumulations on many smaller points of separation the add up to this apathetic attitude towards life.

But I did notice today that the defining factor within all of those points is the addiction to energy. I am constantly after a energetic point, relief, rush, a submission. So what seems prudent is to first look at the relationship to energy within me.

This giving in to energy really is like a persistance, something that I have always done, I have never stood up agaist it or even recognized the amount of self control that I am giving up and not even noticing or even aware of within my world. I so far have just let it run and this is where I am encountering so much resistance from within my experience. I have not yet accepted the entirety of me as who I am at this point. Have not really seen myself within all of my fuck ups and acceptances and allowances and in this that is where I am firstly missing out on the point of importance and not seeing what I first need as my point of determination to change me.

So from there, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold energy as the key to my existance instead of myself as the physical manifestation as my physical human body.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all energetic movements within me are actually a creation of the mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the mind is in fact the creation of the physical and without the physical the mind could not exist which means that all energy that is created through the mind is in fact a creation of the mind and not a expression of life as my physical human body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not yet see that allowing myself to be ruled by the energetically charged creations of the mind makes me a slave to the mind and that this would mean that I am living in reverse where the actuality of the matter is that the mind is a creation of the physical but I accept it as superior and such making the creation the master.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever challenge the mind within standing up and taking accountablity for the shit that accept myself to do just to get that energetic gratification from the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lock in the energy as the mind as belief systems within me, causing me to not look into myself in a way that would allow me to dissolve the addictive relationship to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistantly place myself in a lesser postion to these embedded belief/systems in and in doing so make sure that I do not escape from my self impossed prison.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how subtle this point works where ANY sort of lust for energy really reiforces the whole system and makes the ability to deal with any one point at a time more difficult and entrenched.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the point of self judgement arises when I view myself against my faults and in turn grow in size within me making them seem insurmountable.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize that this itself is a belief that I have imposed within myself to handle any attempts find a more effective path through my process where I have to literally fight with myself internally always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the simple solutions within this point where stopping myself is really the point to really bring to the front, because stopping my behavior of separation from a starting point of getting to undestand and express me as a responsible being, really looks more attractive then a life of fear, anger, sadness, and greed, which I a dress up to look positive.

Ok I will continue exploring energey within the starting point of my self movent within my process in the next post

176. Why?

Why am I doing this.

Why am I doing this I ask myself? Why am I walking with Desteni?
 These questions are really at the forefront of anyone the is still within doubt within themselves.
 What I have noticed within my own process of self realization? I have noticed that I do not know the real reasons or principles to why I am walking. Obviously I see the problems all around me, all the loneliness, all the pain, and fear. The death all over the globe. So how come I do not really care? How come I see all that and can still POSSESS the ability to sit back and not give a shit?
 So here lets see what lies deeper within the point of not caring about others or the world. So I will use a formula that I am learning about in my present assignment. Value judgement. Maybe I can look at how this caring point looks like within me.

So,

 caring = effort + selflessness + sense of equality + courage

So reversing this to not caring would look something like this.

 Not caring = waiting (laziness) + self interest + desire for self definition + fear

 Something that I notice about my experience up to this point is that I have always had a sense of distrust and doubt within myself. I have never been certain of myself within my entire life, never have found a reason to embrace me. Within this I see how there is a entire outflow of things that spring up from that, all of my value judgements about all things in my life.
 I can start to see how through these definitions of caring or not caring arises the self judgment within me where I place and cast myself within a particular placement within this scale of being on the caring side of things or the uncaring. Most of the time I am judging myself to be within the non caring character, always trudging uphill, battling myself, locked in a war internally. I am constantly attempting to live up to this ideal caring character picture of myself, never realizing that I am indeed just a desire of a picture version of myself made up within my own mind.
 What I should realize here is the practicality within this situation of being in process, that I am either doing what is best for all, or I am not, there is no point of “caring person”, or “uncaring person”, just simply the point of walking as me as one and equal as all or not.
 Something else that has arisen is the point of seeing how when I place a value judgment on the point of being caring or not caring within myself I notice that the way that I look at other people become embedded within this value judgment as well where the point of judgement of myself actually become a comparison point towards others. Where on one hand I am praising myself for becoming more caring, on the other hand I am on the watch for those that are either plus or negative caring then me on the caring scale of society.
 So if not caring then what? What is the principle that is the point of this process? Equality and oneness? Easy to say as I have found out, but what does that really mean? What does that imply?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unclear within the vision of what I understand equality and oneness to involve and imply within my process and at large.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold others at a greater or lesser position then I, and not stop within the placing of myself on the goodness/caring scale of people everywhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misunderstand the point of learning to walk in equality and oneness to stop the judgments of others and where they are and a failure to do so really is a implication of judgment of self where I am comparing myself to others in either in a positive or negative aspects based within certain characteristic traits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the movement of these traits within me indicates that I am not stable within my principles of self as equality and oneness, and that which is happening is actually a varying field of changing emotions, feelings, traits, and comparison within myself towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NEVER have experienced myself within real self trust in anything that I am doing, and in fact have ALWAYS stood within a particular fear within me in the back of ever experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point of accepting myself as I am now, that this is important in getting to a point where I am able to self honestly see what I have accepted as myself up to this point and not instead just attempt to build over what I have accepted and allowed from myself my whole life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this constant effort to cover my tracks are actually a self imposed ploy to slow myself down within changing me, that I am secretly holding on to a desire to stay the same and not face myself with the fullness that I am capable of.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing the consequences of not walking absolute to be recognized and instead just left to fester within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there is a place for me to be walking to and that by not fulfilling that space that I leave so much in the air for all the other beings. Meaning that by not accepting me and taking really account for/of myself from this very point that I am not able to walk outside of judgment because I have made that part of the inner sanctum of myself as I stand today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this means that there will invariably lead too consequence within my experience with others, how the point of judgement will always make itself apparent and known no matter how much I see myself as being a caring person, underneath the caring character there will always remain this point of suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that suppressing the systems within me is a solution when in fact it is nothing but a ticking time bomb of self, where actually what is happening is that I am setting the scene for a endless play of time loops.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the position of other beings especially destonians to become triggers within me in this game of suppression with myself where if I see another standing or not standing I immediately and automatically go and jump into a place of comparison with the other being, and in such have lost the point of walking myself free from mind for me…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never find the self respect to actually want to do this for me, and instead constantly portray myself in such a way that is actually only a mask, charade, game of appearances in which I play with others around me and within the group so I can appear respectable to others, meanwhile not seeing how this really has always just stopped there and has never gone on to show MYSELF any respect at all, which is the key in walking this process for real and actuality.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize myself as who I am in this moment to the absolute entirety of myself here, and from there begin the deconstruction process instead of this run ahead system of approach that I have been taken a lot of the time so far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the possibility of failure and so making this the point of attachment to suppression and making myself feel better by portraying myself as changed and caring being when in fact it is all just a point of fear of never being able to figure myself out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the way out is a constant and continuous self movement and that I will never reach the point of nothingness if I am constantly envisioning myself as what I imagine that to be like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can know what it would be like without my ego and from that point make up some bogus excuse as to why I will never achieve that and this become the point of failure within me before I even begin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how all of this is actually preventing me from living a principled life where the principle is of self, yet the realization that self is all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mistake the principles that are being talked about within the group as principles that can be negotiated within my experience and that I am able to postpone the uptake of the principles of giving as I would like to receive, treating all as my neighbors and making them into points that I am working towards rather then realizing that practically applying them in real time is the key to living here as life.

So within all this when and as I see myself placing myself within a idea of what how caring looks to me and how I am experiencing myself in comparison with other beings I stop and breathe, and remind myself that this process is for me alone and that where other people are at is really of no concern to me, and instead committing to the point of this process being a actual self movement.

I commit myself to the understanding that equality and oneness is not a something that can be imagined into reality within the mind but can only be realized and walked in a consistent manner.

When and as I see myself, allowing my mind to associate itself within a judgement of my self view towards a scale of caring where I am constantly shifting from caring to not caring, from good to bad, I stop myself in that moment and I breathe and realize the real expression of life is unwavering and stable, it should not be shifting inside of me like a emotionally based self definition of purpose, building up of self image, desire to be better then others, and/or mutating into the negative spectrum of falling behind my purpose, failing myself, viewing others as being better.

So I commit myself to fully realize that this is a point of actually doing this and walking for me, to remember this point as often that I can and that doing this process for me is the only way that I will ever make it out of my mind.

I commit myself to hold myself accountable for what I am doing here and not allow myself to become invested into what others are doing at this point until I can be certain that I am able to walk on my own to feet in stability so that I do not build more walls around myself that will invariably have to come down anyways.

 When and as I see myself living with out the principles of equality and oneness, instead opting to just remain within the secret workings of the mind I stop myself and breathe and realize that if I am not able to bring everything to the surface for me to see I will never make it.

And thus I commit myself to move myself out of the mind and into a application of the living word as a principle of life as equality and oneness, realizing once and for all that I cannot view others as being greater or lesser then I and at the same time call myself one with them as oneness is inherently equal.

When and as I see myself becoming confused and misunderstanding myself in where I stand I just stop, close my eyes for a moment and breathe, bringing myself back here into the physical reality and commit to stopping the mind movements that are leading to me to deviate from being here as a self honest expression of me.

I commit myself to see how this really is simply about being honest about being here and that there is no other placement that needs to get veneered over top to make myself shiny or anything, and that it is about the simplistic starting point of equality with all life.

Alright I will continue in the next post.

175. Princes in lalaland. Part 5: Consequence.

 

So something I see that I missing within all of this concerning this point is the greater effect of me accepting and allowing myself to represent and align my with in this system.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the point that by me living within and accepting this point of desiring me to just give in and give up on me wanting to take responsibility for me in each moment by wanting to escape within drugs and addiction is that I am really saying ok to abuse within this world through the greater reach of drugs and addiction in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that not taking responsibility within me for my own points of addictions that I am supporting addictions within the world systems which within drugs represents, pain, violence, murder, rape, separation at large.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this is the consequence of not taking myself seriously in taking on the mind in points of addiction within my experience here.

And thus when and as I see myself standing as a desire to appease my mind systems of self dishonesty and mistrust of myself as life I stop myself and breathe and bring myself back here and realize that this is really a way for me to just feel good about me without having to actually stepping up to the plate of really understanding me.

When and as I see myself wanting to escape within lalaland as a direct way to cope with self judgement I stop myself and breathe and realize that the only way for me to really get to a place of stability and trust within me is to be here and not try to run away from me.

When and as I see myself placing a value judgement upon myself within how I view my experience as being more or less dependent on if I am experience myself within feelings of good or bad, I stop myself and breathe and remember that self judgement is really a particular way that the mind moves to create fuel for its own existence and commit myself to understanding that what is here is real and that cannot be experience within a experiential starting point of being good/bad, more/less.

I commit myself to see how the use of weed has always been about filling in the moment with a desire to feel more then the previous moment, proving that the moments have always been a point of existing within a mind interpretations of the physical reality around me and do not in fact reflect what is real, and has always been a projection.

When and as I see myself living within a mind projection and in that desiring to make that moment better, I stop myself and breathe and realize that outside of the point of life existing here as breathe there is no better and that remaining here is the real point of expression of life that I am capable of living, and so I commit myself to feel ease within the moments that I live instead of constantly trying to manufacture a better moment.

When and as I see myself not seeing the ramification of going off into pre-programmed experience of myself looking to make the present a stepping stone to a better future I stop myself and realize that by doing this I am actually disempowering myself to live as myself as this moment, and so I commit myself to live here as the moment so I am capable to know what is real and what is mind through direct experience of myself here.

When and as I see myself slumping within myself because of external stimulus like the behaviour of other people and other groups I stop myself and breathe a remind myself that defining myself through others behaviour is a way of not paying homage to the only point of control within my world which is me. And so I commit myself to the only real way to ensure that I am taking real self responsibility, which is by standing alone and realizing my own set of principles of what is best for all instead of taking the position that what others are doing must reflect what I am willing to do within my own life.

I commit myself to see how the equation of equally and oneness with life is the only real measure that can be made to insure that I a living a life path that will have the best possible outcome for all life.

When and as I see myself just saying fuck it to life where I do not actually even want to look there because I just want to do what I want to do I stop myself and breathe and realize that free will from the perspective of having no consequence is impossible and that there will always be a consequence, the difference is do I want that consequence to reflect what is best for all or only what is best for my self interest.

I commit myself to live as and within the understanding that living in such a way that is best for me is actually what is best for all when considering the entire group within every decision that I make.

I commit myself to see disregarding any kind of understanding of what the consequence of not living as what is best for all is only in fact harming myself as the expression of all life.

When and as I see myself living within a point of depression as the primary reason for wanting to use drugs I stop myself and breathe, realizing the depression is actually a manifestation of me not wanting to stand as life, and so I commit myself to the realization that this is a cyclical experience where I would use drugs to bury a bad feeling which actually is only a momentary solution which only intensifies the depression because I have not in any way addressed the real root of the of feeling inadequate and worthless as a contributor.

I commit myself to find the strength to will myself out of a self inflicted depression state and stand up once and for all realizing that I do have a voice, and that I can contribute through my own process of deconstructions of the systems of separateness within me.

When and I see myself verifying the separateness systems within me through a unwillingness to just remain here I stop myself and just breathe remembering that the mind will do anything to keep me from realizing me in the moment.

I commit myself to bring myself back to the realization of till here no further that I am able to really come to and get the point of breathing in each moment where I am become comfortable within me here.

I commit myself to the point of comfort of creating me here in each moment so I do no longer stand within the feeling to escape from myself here and that this is the real way to change myself into what is best for me and subsequently what is best for all.

When and as I see myself holding myself within a skewed vision of what is normality within a opinion of what is normal happiness to be feeling and not seeing how this is really a trick of the mind to place myself in a never ending judgment of myself as less then I stop myself and breathe and realize that the idea of happiness is only another mind fuck that holds me in a place of always trying to achieve something that is out there somewhere and never here in this present moment.

I commit myself to see that the only thing that is real is what is here physically within this moment of myself experiencing me.

I commit myself to understand the being here is the only real way to really “get” a solid standing in my life and that anything else is really only a way to distract and deter me from ever really find out who I am as life.

I commit myself to see that remaining here is the only actual way to become the best and absolute expression of myself as life here.

I commit myself to live as the real expression of myself by learning about me in a moment to moment basis and bringing myself back always to a point of breathe through this journey back to life one moment at a time.

I commit myself to realize that a failure to do so will ALWAYS result in a consequence that will cause harm in this world and supports abuse to myself and the greater group as all beings as life.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing the abuse to go unchecked within me and to become a being who is determined to live within the principles of equality and oneness always.

174. Princes in lalaland. Part 4: Fuck it all.

 

So something that came up today in relation to this topic is that there is a consistent program/theme that runs through me quite a lot, which is that point of giving up, giving in. I notice though that the experience of that point is not as intense or as all encompassing as how it used to be when I would constantly smoke.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistently give up on myself when smoking weed from the perspective that weed is a easy way to commit myself to do nothing and still feel ok about that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this experience is was really based within a distain and hatred for the system and how I see myself within the system and therefore resorted to a fuck it all attitude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing the point of standing for something within that position and covered up the actuality that if I am taking a “fuck it all” attitude that I am only a contributor to the system that I am rejecting in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never give myself to the chance to really see who I am within this point of just saying fuck it all and not seeing how this is a way for me to never really take responsibility within my own life and what I can do instead of fucking around and fucking of inside my own mind in avoidance and preoccupation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry to the point of hatred towards the system where I do not actually see things with any kind of common sense and I actually just give up because it is easier then sorting through the mess that I have accepted and allowing to become me as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the potential of channelling this force of anger as a point of leverage to move myself within this world and change myself instead I suppress it within me through things like addiction and exhaustion of my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself as the physical body as a point of dealing with mental stress that actually is only really taking place within my mind, and from there constantly creating a arena for myself to do battle within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always place myself in a position of lesser awareness when it comes to participation in use of drugs and addiction rather then a position of use of substances from a point of understanding of myself therein and therefor never seeing even a starting point of the who I am within this use.

I forgive myself for accepting myself as a user rather then a point of complete awareness of myself in these activity to eventually understand me and stop myself in the realization that these addictions are not me as what is best for me and from there realize that I am not standing as the full potential of who I am capable of being as me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that if I am just able to fight the mental addictions into submission that will be all that it will take instead of seeing the systems that are playing a part in the background manifesting the addiction in the first place which is primarily of self hate, self dishonesty and lack of self dedication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never stop myself within the moment of giving in and in saying fuck it to everything to see what is the real point of stopping myself within my addiction which is to create a platform within myself of self trust so I can become the absolute best being that I am capable of being so I am able to live a life the represents life here as the real expression of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself to the degree that I always remain trapped within the cycles and time loops of addiction where it constantly re-enacts itself over and over and the problem continues to consistently compound, and not coming to the understanding that this will always continue to exist until the physical consequence is to much to bear and I reach another fuck it point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never give myself the self care enough to realize that I have the ability to deal with this scenario within myself and from there continue to beat down on myself in such a way where I never take the full response ability and instead always blame the world around me for why I keep falling.

I forgive myself for not realizing the pattern itself is always the same principle showing itself in different trigger situations and that it will not always appear to be the same experience and that not matter how the point of self doubt within the desire to take the fuck it all drug comes up and presents itself the principle of making a choice of will to direct myself within what is best or to fall within a self pity point of not trusting me within my response ability remains the same, it is a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within the feeling that my addictions are to big to take on and that it is a reality of impossibility that I am facing rather then stepping up and just standing no matter the result, and even though I have fallen so many times in the past to trust myself in walking in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of falling back into a experience of “fuck it all” to prevent me in the present expression of who I am now in this moment to direct me rather then really coming into my own as a being who is willing and able to become courageous within my life in a moment to moment self movement of me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the simplicity of this point in it requires very little effort once the decision to face myself is made and that fear itself is really the only obstacle that is preventing me from experiencing myself in a way that is measurably different then how I have always previously done so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fool myself into thinking the mind as my addictions and self doubts are in some way superior to life in the ability of being able to most easily align myself with, all the while not realizing that that life has always been here and that it is the acceptance of this belief that has made the self alignment a point of difficulty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the naturalness of the flow of life within reality because I have never been able to allow myself the will to apply the tools to re-examine me.

Continuing with corrective statements in the next post.

173. Princes in lalaland. Part 3: The feeling.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as is I want to escape the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into that feeling allowing it to reign over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reveal in the memory of how it feels to be on pot and only ever based my experience within my life as one that is solely within feelings, and how I am feeling in that moment rather then a experience that is based within practicality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see why this exist is the unwillingness to look at what is here and accept that as who I am really, instead always looking for something to make me feel better then what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be completely absorbed in feeling that I do not actually even notice that I am not here, that I am not existing here as this present moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not
 see how all of my choices in life have been based within a feeling/emotion dicotomy and that I have not actually every stood up within myself for any length of time that is worthy as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only ever consider standing up for life within a feeling based view, not stopping to realize that this kind of “wanting to change”/”thinking about changing” is all in the mind and is useless if it is not applied practically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way for me to become engaged within myself is if I am enhancing my experience in some way to make it feel like I am living up to that desire to change, which really is quite ludicrous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the beginning of this point of addiction was based within feelings of anger, spite, and despair, and in turn became the ideal vessel of avoidance for me to hide within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this scenario of seeing a situation that I react to and then just hiding within a drug has been the theme of my experience since I began smoking weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am unable to transcend my moments of stress to the point where I do not actually feel the need to escape, and where I am able to stand within self confidence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my experiences in the past have such power over me that I would need to consume larger and larger amounts of a drug to just FEEL normal, like normal in the perspective of not feeling depressed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing relationships to be the main trigger for this in the past where a “break-up”, or a altercation with someone would give me an excuse to throw myself in a depression for months on end to the point where I would just use harder drugs to “remember” what it was to feel happy and normal again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the idea of happiness and therein allow my experience to become ruled within the pursuit of such happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that happiness is something that exists outside of the mind experience of it, where I have certain criteria that must be met within my experience and then I am happy, not seeing how that this form of self engineering cannot and has not been shown to be able to be sustained, and thus proves that this is a mind experience and cannot be trusted here as the actual expression as life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this model to infect me on every level and control me within a hundred different addictions, where I am constantly looking to manufacture a feeling within myself and am not able to just be satisfied with the present moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within this model as being helpless to these addictions in which I am not able to actually live any other way then what I have preprogrammed myself to live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than the feelings that I would attain through the use of drugs, never stopping to realize what this point actually represents which is saying that I am really unable to maintain any sense of self intimacy to the point where I do not actually ever want to get to know myself at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become totally just convinced it is just easier to give in rather then to find out who I could actually become in the future.

Ok I will call it a night since I am having some difficulty keeping my eyes open. I will continue with more in the next post.

172. Princes in lalaland. Part 2.

 

Jumping right in from yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to smoke weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to smoke weed because I am unsatisfied with my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of inferiority to external forces in which I confirm with the use of weed to make myself and my experience tolerable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never realize how smoking weed has always been about a point of making myself feel better and never really about much else then that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cover up this point with all manner of excuses ranging from socio political, to preferential, to medicinal, all of which have been shown to be the back seat reasons when explored in self honesty which is that I just do not want to face me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never take myself on seriously when I would smoke weed because it was a cover up to deal with pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing experiences within my life to dictate to me how I would live my life and choosing to hide rather then be here, living within a way that would promote self-honesty within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame on others for my own choices to smoke weed and allowed another’s to become a point of definition within my own habits and addictions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing others actions to stimulate and generate stress within me and from there I give into this cycle of avoidance within the habit of smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think that because I have a fine/ok/fun experience on weed that I am that way (ok/fine) and not realizing that those positive experiences on weed are actually not real and are really a reactionary experience in direct contrast to negative experiences within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to this experience with no critical investigation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that I am able to stand up within myself and really have a look at where this comes from, what started in and in what perspective the entire addiction begin with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that drugs are bad evil and within my youth considered those that used drugs to be of a evil nature. And from there started fostering hatred and distain for many of my peers and family from a early ages.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my first experiences with weed to have been in spite of others to some how prove them wrong, and not stopping to get a grip on myself within my life at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt for how I behaved back then in such that I felt/feel as if I am going back and stepping on myself from wayyy back then.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that the guilt that I am experience is actually a form of latent desire where it still eats away at me looking to keep me the same and to ensure the survival of that system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let go of the anger induced dispare that started the addiction in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself now to relive this anger and instead of becoming directive within how to handle this in my own life I instead push that out in/on society and find excuses to blame others for my own self of self lack, like asking why others do not have to take self responsibility and why do I have to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I in fact do not have to take self responsibility, as this is my choice of what to do in my life as will, but to not see how this really just comes down to asking myself if this is who I really am, is that all?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the effects of ignoring myself as what I am capable to do, achieve, express within myself if I am able to stabilize me in my world, and not seeing how living here and now drug free is actually supportive as which is best for all, while the support of the drug industry with is steeped in greed, corruption, murder, exploitation, torture, etc, are actually a result of the mystique of not taking responsibility of oneself in relation to how one is using drugs and why.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in separation and judgment now of how I view pot smokers, in which I feel superior for having faced myself within the addiction and casting doubt on anything they have to say because I am comparing to the old me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at the same time to feel envy because I “feel” they able to slide through without any effort on the part of asking 
and real questions about themselves, and facing themselves, and for not seeing how within this point I am actually the one that is deceiving myself into thinking that it is relevant where others are at instead of focusing where I am at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within this process of writing to be going no where, and thus start missing the times where I would not have to consider self honesty and responsibility to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find that the process of walking myself back to life is dull, instead of seeing how this is really taking me back to a place where I am able to live my life to its upmost potential and that this is really the only thing worthwhile to do within my life because first walking myself out of the mind may have profound implications in how I conduct myself in every situation, making a choice of separation and equality and oneness as life as here.

Ok I will write some more tomorrow.

171. Princes in lalaland. Part one.

 

Ok so here I am going to open up a point about Marijuana.

So here in Vancouver recently we have had a particular political figure come back after being in US prison for years now, I’m sure many people have heard of who I am talking about. I have been hearing a lot about it/him over the radio and in the newspapers over the past couple of weeks/month leading up to his return and with it much new gossip/debate on the legitimacy of weed in our society. It’s medicine not a drug, its medicine. Without getting to deep into the backstory there is basically this point of Marijuana becoming decriminalized and possibly legalized here in Canada. Which while is more beneficial then classifying all weed users as criminals, the point of self honesty within drug use remains the same.
What I can see at this point regarding the politics of it all is that it strikes a cord in the timing of it all, where there is much going on in the world yet there is a push to make marijuana another revenue base and method of social control through manufacturing apathy within the mass population.

My experience with pot was a fairly long one and pretty intense at times, I nearly broke my neck once from blacking out after smoking a bong and falling off a chair. I feared for my sanity after a particularly close round in a bout with paranoid psychosis while on vacation in Amsterdam. And not such drastic points either, the main thing that I noticed about my relationship with weed is the lockdown of certain traits and emotions within me. Much self judgements and points of beating down on myself over the years I recognize where the direct result of accepting and allowing myself to become trapped within a cycle of addictive behavior in which weed would play a central role in keeping me the same always. Never actually able to stand for anything other then mind created outrage at the world around me.

It’s interesting because after I defined myself by this drug addiction for so long, letting go and stopping was like one of the hardest points for me to face. It’s like your missing something, when one has become so used to it its like there is no other way. But looking back really what the point of missing is, is that I miss not having to take responsibility, why care when I can just get high and feel better, or forget. I would smoke and “educate” myself with documentaries and conspiracies, and eventually Desteni material as well, hearing the words but never walking it for myself, agreeing with others but not willing to really find out first hand, but the main difference that I have noticed since I stopped using weed is a gradual but somewhat steady movement of myself in self expression, instead of just sitting back and watching, a silent participant. I would not do anything… about anything when I smoked in terms of any sort of practical application of a solution. In fact there was much of a experience of the opposite where I would avoid and procrastinate continuously in some cases digging holes and forming consequences. I was upset and still am upset at times. Upset with my life, it was, and is unsatisfactory to me on some level still. Weed was the answer, still at times I miss the escape. I miss hiding from myself, not worrying about if I am being honest with me, not even considering it. Not looking at who am I. Its quite amazing at the level of self deception that I have place on myself through my life.

 So seeing this within me, seeing this falseness of me, some alter twin of myself who does not want to face me in my acceptances, allowances, and avoidances. Seeing this, the solution lies within the question, is this really me? Is this all I am capable of and am?
 No, I realize over the past while that despite what my mind is telling me, I am able to stop myself, stop the systems of addiction and abdication, to step up and stand up to myself and walk, I am able, it just calls on me to redefine this gift of will within me, to change myself from a personality that desires the free will to live without consequence and to instead live a life where I recognize and consider the actual point of will which is to will myself in each moment to do what is best for all by doing what is best for me. Stop fooling myself in things that are of no use for me anymore. Recognizing that the desire to get high is really only a desire to not really get to know who I am as life, to not accept and allow myself to be who I really am. To stop living in memories of how great it was and fun it was to be high back in the day and just be here in breathe and be ok with myself here in this moment satisfied with myself being equal and one with everything not requiring myself to feel the need to be something more within a altered state, not requiring myself to be me-die-cated because I view me as being sick. Sick of life, sick of here, sick of now, sick of understanding and trusting myself as a point of strength within me in everything that I do.

So as I see the world changing around me where I can see how others have/are being lead in such a way where they stand for the right to escapism, I stop myself and breathe, and seeing how I am really no different then they, yet this is a place where I have come from within my own experience and see the self deception involved within those systems, I breathe and stop the judgment that comes up when I see this as something in society that other place value in and realize that I cannot do anything at this stage to change others into seeing this point for themselves. I instead commit myself to working within the real point that I am able to change which is me. I commit myself walk this point through so I can stand within certainty of myself for myself on why and what I have changed myself for within this point of doing drugs and all my other addictive behaviour. I commit myself to begin the process of standing absolute within myself and walk forward so I may become a example of my own integrity in this one life.

Ok self forgiveness on this and more coming tomorrow.

170. The fringe 4 commitments.

 

So throughout the last few posts I have see a shift from the old understanding of myself to a new one where I realize that this judgement of myself as being outside of the/a group has been only really a misdirection of self and that actually what is really relevant to me is the who am I of the situation. How am I able to live and direct me as a expression of myself here as life through all of my tribulations and trials. And within that realizing that Desteni group itself is based within individuals only sharing their experience of coming back to a state of equilibrium with ones mind. That there actually is no “leader” per say but opening up to the understanding that I as we must become my/our own leaders here in life. Must stop the self judgements of seeing myself as being less then others in the group not being worthy of inclusion when in fact the inclusion is a sense of self centered here in the breathe of each moment. 

So when and as I see myself living off in the past experiences of my childhood where I started to view and live by this code of acceptance into a group meant that I would start judging myself as inferior, I stop myself and breathe and see how this system has penetrated all the way into the present experience of myself where I am still looking at the “cool kids” with envy and excluding myself from the experience of sharing me.

I commit myself to stop looking at this from perspective that I need to impress or appease anyone else within my process other then myself as at the end of the day this is really about being SELF honest and how I relate and speak to me, what are the words and definitions that I live by each moment.

I commit myself to start living each day with a tenacity of self, knowing that I am my own leader and director in this process walking myself back to life.

I commit myself to stop the comparisons that I am having with myself against other beings in thinking that I am not enough, that I am not able to stand for myself, speak for myself, understand enough or am proficient in my words enough to actually move myself within my own life.

I commit myself to stop the inferiority system that are running complacently from my childhood where I can see have really not bearing on who I am today and really only exist within a habitual way of existing in my world, and within this realizing that I am actually the one that is able to direct me here in each moment and not be subjected by and with my own mind.

I commit myself to the understanding that I am the one in the drivers seat and that I am not able to effectively steer myself free from my mind without letting go of this childhood sense of exclusion.

When and as I see myself moving in this automated fashion to belong in a group, I stop myself and breathe, and coming to realize that the sense of belonging that I seek in a group mentality and placement is really only a desire of lack within myself where I have never given myself the chance to belong to myself, and have always outsourced my sense of belonging to the mind as it outsources that to some sub culture ideals out there somewhere.

I commit myself to stop the self definition of wanting to belong as the idea of belonging is really based within the polarity aspect of not being accepted, good enough, or smart enough to be a part of the group in question but really in those situations it is me that is defining myself as these point within myself before even fully stepping up to the place to really see for myself if I am able to be accepted by me and belong to myself in self honesty and walk back to a place of integrity within me.

When and as I see myself placing myself apart from others because of a ingrained sense of superiority within me from the perspective that I THINK I am more knowledgeable, wise, quick-witted, right, etc than a particular being or group and from there go into a idea that it is not even worth my time to even trying to become involved, not realizing the whole time that this is really a judgement system running within me and that I am actually having a reactionary experience of fearing myself to be inferior.

I commit myself to stop the superiority complexes that run through me on auto-pilot when faced with certain group situations, meeting new people, doing things publicly. And I commit myself to see that viewing another as less then myself in any way is really only a illusion that occurs in the ego mind and that I have the ability to live one and equal with any being, in fact all life, and that any sort of mind; thoughts, feelings, are actually able to be changed through taking self responsibility.

When and as I see myself viewing the Desteni group as something that I must achieve to the standard of to become a part of that group and really change the world, I stop myself and breathe and from there make the realization that the real point here is to not just be in the Desteni group and everything will be dandy, but I commit myself to the reality that it really started here with me and that the hesitation that I experience in really becoming involved in the Desteni group it nothing more then a unwillingness to really become involved with myself.

I commit myself to stop living in such a way were this manifests into a experience that is very isolated experience, where I have believed for so long that being alone is really the only answer to my problems and not seeing that this is really a point of becoming comfortable within me in sharing myself unconditionally, where the focus point always remains the same which is living within equality and oneness here in all moments.

I commit myself to walk this journey one day at a time and understanding that this will take great courage, effort, honesty, stamina, and great patience because it will take time and I commit to the fact that this will take time because I must be able to walk this path over the course of years and remain as stable as possible until finally I have walked out enough points through writing and say forgiveness that having faith in myself will be a natural setting for me from now on.

I commit myself to make these points real by walking myself back into a place of self reliance and self creation so that I am can then express myself without bias or censoring my expression within any group and committing to point of not being afraid to voice myself when appropriate just because I am fearful of becoming rejected and thrown out or something.

What has become clear is that none of this really has to do with anyone except me, the next move is always on me, and yes the example that has been set within the Desteni group is a challenge but it is one that actually allows me to truly experience myself as a actuality of me for the first time ever, and in self honesty I have to ask myself is that worth it? Is 7 years worth a lifetime of trust in myself? Am I willing to do what is best for me, and at the same time recognize that what is best for all is best for me, and thus to become a advocate for life? Yes to all. I commit myself to this journey and all of the challenges that it brings, recognizing that with time I will be able to walk more easily and swiftly, I will gain trust in myself and leave a old me behind and bring in a new me that is a real reflection of who I am equal and one. I commit myself to see that with the walking of this process for myself that I will do what is best at all times and this will be made apparent in how I choose to share and express, and that this is really the point of the Desteni group, to live as example rather then desire.

Thanks thats all for tonight.

169. The fringe pt 3: Group mentality.

 

So I received a comment on the last post which was really cool and opened up a new dimension within this point of being on the fringe where within this idea that I have created what I really am doing is again to some degree I have been placing a over emphasis on the importance of viewing myself within a group of some kind. Its interesting to note how the mentality flips from not wanting to be around or interact with anyone to desiring to be within a group. Again another example within my life of desire and lack. So the point was made to instead look at who am I as me within and without a group setting. Am I a person that can stand absolute and stand without compromising myself in any situation. That this is really the focal point and not the point of changing myself to fit into a group or be accepted within the group.

It’s really cool to be made aware of this point as it’s like one of those Ahaa moments that makes total sense, like a piece falling into place that was missing before.

So with that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my self change and self realizations on a desire of wanting to fit into the group and not standing within myself a point of first changing me for me within the principles of equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within this point changing myself for me to become and stand up for life as equality and oneness, I will remain the same within any group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously place a point of comparison with myself to others within Desteni as I have seen this to be the standard of what it takes to be accepted within Desteni, and obviously missing the whole point of what is being offered at Desteni with no judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on really getting to know me because I am to fixated on what other beings are seeing me as, and wanting to be more involved instead of just investigating myself and letting that come through in my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear on some level of making mistakes that will get me expulsed from the within Desteni, while not realizing that Desteni does not really exist within and as a group that is forcing one to change but rather offering the opportunity to SELF-realize through practical examples.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes within myself which is really the ultimate reason for this desire for acceptance within a group is because I am fearful of failing myself. And within this fear I look to avoid and abdicate that unto a group standard that I must live up to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never see how this point has always been my experience with others where I have always been shortchanging me in relation to other and putting myself in a in-fear-you-are position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself always believe that I will not be able to live up to the others around me so I give in and give up on me all the time and actually intensifying how this system itself occurred within me in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself this system to continuously snowball out of control within my life to the point where I do not enjoy myself within the company of other beings that the greatest level of comfort for me has become aloneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this aloneness is not actually a self supportive example of aloneness but actually a mechanism to hide and avoid fearful situations that I do not wish to confront.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I can and should be able to remain stable as a constant expression of me within any situation that I find myself in, and that any sort of reactions is a indication that I am having some mind attachments within the experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever really just be here in the physical moment without judgement stepping in and becoming the directive principal of me rather then standing here as the moment as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to skip out on my responsibility to myself in investigating and continuously growing within my ability to see me in self honest application of my day to day interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take myself seriously where I never actually have given myself the opportunity to explore what equality and oneness really means and that I have never really had the faith of self to push through in determination and have instead been leaning on the groups strength to guide me rather then find my own strength to walk myself free from me.

Ok gonna stop there for tonight.