158. Excitement addiction.


I was looking for something to write about this evening and what I started to see through-out my day I am constantly looking for the next point of excitement, this ties in with the last post where I was writing about not being satisfied with my life. What I see is that this addiction to excitement within me is like I am a child who cannot sit still. I am not talking about a compulsory sitting still, but more like the point that I am not able to just be calm within me, I am constantly looking for something to fill in the space.

It would be self supportive to realize that the space is already full, there cannot be anymore full then what is here now, and that this sense of wanting to fill it in with exciting tv shows, games, activities, adventures, etc, with this goal of distracting myself and shifting the focus away from facing myself, as well as being a figment of my mind.

Another point that I am noticing is that this is like down to the smallest example. Where even seemingly meaninglessly inconsequential thought is like a glaring exit sign to exit from process as a point of excitement. Acting like the thought itself is the adventure.

So I should redefine adventure to walking with myself here and realize that this is the only real adventure, which is to take myself on in absolute self honesty in breathe in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the allure of excitement in believing that this will lead me somewhere that will actually have any beneficial outcome for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that anything that I am experiencing within a point of excitement is actually created in the mind in a relationship of fear of facing self in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realize that this moment is actually already full from the sense that it does not require the mind to embellish it to exist as it is here and the attempt to imprint a exciting experience onto the moment is actually in self interest to fulfill a point of not wanting to really be with myself here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only ever really live for a point of excitement and desire for adventure to escape the feeling of mediocrity, and not ever stopping to see how this moment is really the only thing that exist within me in this point in space time and is actually a privilege to be able to experience myself within this particular point of process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can become more effective as a being if I am able to imagine exciting scenarios in my mind in the belief that it will help me to survive in this world and not seeing how this is really just based in fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how thoughts and activities for entertainment is really only a point of occupying my mind so I do not have to face myself because I am to busy living in excitement.

And so when and as I see myself totally disregarding the present moment so I can live in excitement and entertainment I stop myself and breathe realizing that this is really a mechanism pattern within me that is there to divert and occupy my mind into such a state as to where I will never want to escape myself because I make the reality of the mind out to be so much better then the real reality because I am experiencing the feeling of excitement.

And thus I commit myself to stop this addiction to excitement within me and learn to be satisfied with myself here as me in each moment as life, which is here in all sort of facets and moments. So learning to accept what comes forth without any sort of judgement or desire.

I commit myself to stop building scenarios within my mind in which I see myself playing out in the future based within fear systems of lack in my present day moment, realizing that these systems are only preventing me from really diving into myself and experiencing myself as a being who really takes self on in self honesty and self will as an expression.

I commit myself to stop thinking that without a exciting point or an adventure point that a moment is not as valuable as another moment, where it clearly shows that one cannot exist without the other wherein I only experience boredom based in contrast to excitement experiences in the past, proving that excitement is actually a experience that is subject to conditional fluctuations and cannot be trusted within the equality equation because I am desiring it to sooth or remedy a boredom point within me which is just self interest.

I commit myself to stop the self interested point of constantly lusting after the next exciting adventure thought within my own mind not seeing how this is really just a delusion that I am spoon feeding myself to distract me from actually ever standing up.

I commit myself to push past the points of wanting to just create exciting thoughts, and mind patterns, and to apply myself in self forgiveness out loud in the time when I notice myself participating in thoughts that are of the point of just providing me a escape from reality into one that I deem to be better because I judge it to be more exciting, and instead bring myself back to the real reality understanding that here and now is they only point that can really be trusted, and that I need to accept that point and move forward instead of constantly standing in the same placing for to long.

Alright I’m off to bed for tonight, more tomorrow.


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