160. Slowing down the shameful inconsistencies.

 

So some clarification on the last couple posts where I have seen myself allowing myself to slide right back into the same point that I wrote about right before.
 What I mean is as soon as I started writing about living only for excitement it is like the next day I did not even take that into a application in my world, like I am writing for just writings sake again.
 Because I noticed that nothing had really changed much and I realized when posting yesterdays blog that I am going into points that are on the edge of my capabilities at this point again, like I am moving to fast for myself, where I am not able to see all the dimensions of the points effectively and trying to much to create a experience for myself within a excitement starting point.
 I see the need to slow myself down and return to what is happening during my day instead of trying to reach out to these far flung concepts and while I realize that judging oneself throughout this process is not productive or self supportive I can see that making mistakes and such is a shameful trigger for me within this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame for not being able to living within the commitments that I have made for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this experience of shame is actually a movement of my mind where I am ensnaring myself through whatever experience comes forth.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how I sometimes choose points within my writing that are not within my current placement of myself in my daily experience, and still like I am jumping ahead a bit.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how this belief that I am unable to see certain points, or that I am not ready for certain point also triggers a shame response within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to based my self esteem within my writing as result of people liking and viewing the posts.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write just for myself and at any point allow myself to start writing because I feel that I can reach someone with an idea or concept, and not realizing that these idea’s concepts are born of thought and are of a point of self interest in which I would like to have people accept me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my personal writing to be based within a starting point of self interest still and manipulating it so as a point within my writing is to attract others to read it, thus taking it out of the realm of a personal exploration and into the realm of advertisement.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow down and just be here within my writing and trust myself to writing for me instead of placing all this pressure of having to gain others approval or attention.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to create a trust within me when writing my blogs so I can actually gain a foothold within this process instead of always making the goal about wondering what others will make out of it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that consistency within my process is a indication of actually walking for myself and on my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just leave the points that I write about up in the air where I do not integrate them effectively  into my life which shows that I am perhaps moving to fast or that I have miss a point/have not explored a point along the way in reference to my attitude towards my application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how all of this experience is not real and that I create all forms of friction and conflict within me so I do not ever figure myself out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how remaining consistent within my approach and application is a real tool that can be used to make sure that I am remaining within focus of where I am and the points I am facing.

Ok time for work so I will continue with the rest of this post later.

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