162. Paper Skeletons.

 

Over the last couple of days I have been attempting to sort through my collection of paper material from the past that I have piled into boxes and bags in my closet. Years of purchases, travel information, pamphlets. What came up during this process of going through them was a few reactions, and realizations came up while sifting through them, trying to make sense of what is important and relevant to my experience now.
 The first thing that I realized is how this was physical proof of the person that I have accepting and allowing myself to be over the years where I have not been organized in any way and in fact have been avoiding this aspect of myself for a long time. Within this was frustration and shame for accepting this for so long. As well while I was looking at the papers many memories where triggered into who I used to be, and a comparison of where and who I am now arose and was cause for reflection. How could I have been so wasteful with my money in the past? I noticed that there was a definite regret that came up within how I used/lived my life at the time and was actually a if I only knew what I know now back then how different things could have been, I notice that there is a point of not wanting to accept the process of how I got here and instead am upset with my situation now. Wishing it could be easier. Not only that but memories that I have with old relationships and girlfriends came up within looking at some of the paper material and with it regrets in how I handled things back then and thinking and judging myself as stupid and naive.
 Something that I am noticing within this task/exercise is that I really have much to uncover about myself and how my past really has influenced me in the present, how I have shaped myself in the present with those events that happened in the past.
 I also can see how accepting these things is a step into stopping the guilt and shame at how I conducted myself then and how I was thinking at the time, who I need to become now so I can grow past the mistakes from then and actually learn and use these memories to support myself now by learning to stop repeating that same points.
 It is a interesting and humbling point to be able to have this chance to really see this point of setting myself up for success and maturity in how I handle myself financially and within my interactions with others and the world. A wake up call to a extent.

Ok I just wanted to open up on this point quickly and will go into so self forgiveness and corrective statements about this tomorrow.

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