166. Duel lives.


I have had a difficult time keeping up with all of the material and all of the points and putting aside time for my process. The last couple of nights I have had some time to read a few blogs, there seem to be some really quite profound post going around at the moment and it really hit home on quite a few points mainly how within my world at the moment I really have this tendency to just continuously slip into a slump or slight depression and not take personal responsibility for this as it was made apparent that this really is something that I need to handle within myself, I am choosing to allow the negative thoughts and patterns to exist within me unfettered.

Also there was a post that I happened to catch that had to do with determination, and discipline and such and it did make sense also within where I am standing where I will walk my line of writings within a point of becoming discipline but almost like any point of determination within finding out who I am is not there. I will see discipline as a point of sitting down once daily to writing something out, yet not really seeing the point of what am I determined to do here, or what is the real point of determination that I am attempting to discipline myself to?

The point is that I have been living multiple lives where one life is someone who does not take my journey into account at all, just living how I have always lived within distraction and procrastination. And another life where I am reacting to this other life where I in desperation throw myself into study. I have noticed that I constantly phase between the two and have not found that point of consistency, which again I have recently read that this is really about being clear within my point of determination. What am I really walking this process for?

What it really all boils down to as always is do I want to live in a way that is best for all or not? That’s it. This requires me to actually step up and walk this process of stopping the mind for real, take it seriously and stop letting myself slide by in the moment, really making and taking the time and effort to stop myself in the moments that thoughts, feelings, and emotions intercede within my day. I know this is unrealistic to expect myself to live perfectly at this stage but it is a point of personal responsibility to do as much as I can.

I am seeing that the main point to consider here is that I am considering it ok to just let my dedication to this process ebb and flow in essence, and have yet to find a point of remaining stable within it were I actually can and will stand firm within myself and dedicate to myself. Honoring me within this and seeing that when I choose to just leave something for another day or choose to not investigate a particular point I have had during my day I am really only saying that I do not feel like I can do this or already see myself as a failure within it and really just projecting that reality in front of me.

So the common sense thing would be to start addressing each of these points of where I see myself living this double life where I hold my process to as standard of the bare minimum is acceptable and start to step beyond that, moving myself daily to push further and deeper into myself learning to understand me, for me, so I can stop contributing the separation within this world and stand up within myself for what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live this double life where they are interrelated where one is only existent to serve self interest and the other is a direct reaction to this other life where I become fearful of who I am allowing myself to be so I just go into a frenzy of looking for the answer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistently give up on myself before I begin because of a acceptance and allowance of negative thoughts to exist as a point of fear of failure within myself, therefore dooming myself to a life of trying to escape through a duel life where one is just looking to turn my back on myself and the other is constantly trying to make up for the other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this scenario to exist without investigation on any level and just accepting this a normality when really it only exists as a transition experience because I have not yet stood up within me and take response-ability for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the answer has always been here I have just to walk it within my own life to make it real, which is taking self accountability for me in every moment in breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget myself within breathe and that this process is something that will not happen magically one day but is really about finding the determination to stand for what is best for myself in this world is actually best for all life and this requires me to stop the mind, that within this determination requires willing myself in self discipline to take on each point is a more and more intimate manner in a ever growing way.

I forgive myself for never really accepting and allowing myself have faith in myself to be able to live this way and ALWAYS living within the belief that I will fail, that it is to hard and that I do not want to admit the deepest parts of myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only ever seeing this application as a way to put the part of me that is living without integrity at ease and not taking this process as a actual expression of who I as life seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base this life as a result of fear rather then a real doing of myself in the moment as something that I do for me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this process for granted and letting the fear be the defining factor of how I move myself in my daily application and not allowing myself to make this real through a active practice in my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this is really a result of me not trusting in myself to place faith within myself to do what I know is best for me and instead just doing it because I feel like I must.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this about a type of payback for myself to make up for all the things that I am at this point unable to see myself taking responsibility for and instead choosing to hide within my process to make it appear like I actually doing this when in fact it has always been about appeasing my ego and multiple versions of me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing me to really take myself seriously and always looking for the scenario of least resistance so I do not actually have to dig to find the source of what is really causing me to consistently fail and become complacent to my mind systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail out of habit and then from there only believe that I will ever only fail and base my entire experience from that starting point instead of just walking with self trust that I will make it eventually.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing this process to move through me with a point of consistently improving me despite the point of walking only up to a appeasement and complacency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the simplicity in this process where I can see where I really am if I am walking for myself or not in my daily participations if it best for all or just walking what I feel will benefit me most in how I feel like emotionally.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that to be here with myself in the physical is the guideline to gauge if I really walking myself into the realm of what is here and that all else is really irrelevant to what I am able to do with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the disappointment within myself for not doing what I am fully capable of doing to judge myself and keep me trapped within a preprogrammed life experience and that stepping out of that into a reality of keeping myself here in the physical is what will allow me to move myself forward within this process.

So when and as I see myself standing within self doubt and no trust within myself during my day I stop myself and breathe remembering to bring myself back every time that I find myself thinking that I am not capable of walking on my own for me, and from there committing to a lifestyle that I can trust myself within to move despite how I feel or may want to be doing instead.

When and as I find myself making excuses for myself why I cannot do something and really take that apart and look at the reason why I believe that I am not able to walk I stop myself and breathe and realize that these points rarely if ever have anything more to offer then a figment of my mind to keep me from standing up within determination and dedication to me.

And thus I commit myself to walk myself out of these reactions and essentially just apply myself without a feeling based scenario why I cannot walk this for me.

I commit myself to the realization that I AM capable to take control of my life and that I will be able to walk if I build with myself the level of self trust that will be able to be relied on for myself outside of feelings and reaction.

I commit myself to see in any situation the real movements beneath them and if I am really standing up for life as equal and one with me or am I only looking for a escape route within me so I do not actually have to tackle the underlying issue.

When and as I see myself looking to cover up my self gifted ability to take self responsibility and instead putting it into the realms of feeling like it or not wanting to right now, and instead committing to this process despite doing something that in time being able to give myself and trust myself with ability to walk honestly.

I commit myself to walk through tiredness and within that realize that to be able to handle and participate in/as the group I will have to let go of all of the things that I see myself as not being able to give up an from there forming a new sense of self trust.

I commit myself to the understanding that this living of a double life is actually unsustainable to begin with as well as being self dishonest as the starting point is based in fear of failure and that it will never equal life if I am not able to walk as a actual of expression of myself in the moment.

I commit myself to redefine myself until I can actually find and walk the point of applying myself for real as a voice of me here.

I commit myself to the realization the what is really at stake here is not just my own life and if I am ok within my world but the understanding that if I do not stand up within as one and equal with life that this will only perpetuate the separation of all life and the decay of the world around me.

When and as I see this journey to be to large, to long, and to big I stop myself and breathe and remember that this is a process that will take some time to gain a stable footing within and that it is important to stop the prejudgment of this process and instead commit myself to just continue to walk through despite the degree of difficulty realizing that step by step is the way to find my footing and begin to walk for real.

I commit myself to realize that I cannot hide from myself within this no matter how I try and that I have been hiding for so long and that this is the real reason why I am in the position that I am in now is because I have not been able to really admit to myself that I have been hiding from me and afraid to step up and take response-ability within this.

I commit myself to stop reacting in fear of what I have accepted and allowed and really start viewing this as a point of common sense in being able to admit and then change my course from a life of multiple versions and motivations to one that is aligned to oneness and equality so all can start to experience and life of worth and dignity.

Alright I will continue exploring this point in another post. Thanks all, for all the cool support that has lead to these realizations.


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