167. The fringe.

 

So something that I notice that I am still facing is the point of taking a active role within the group. I have come to a realization that I have to stabilize me and focus my efforts in that area first before taking on anything else since in the past I have struggle with some reliance points.

Although something occurred to me during my day being why I seem to consistently be reluctant to be part of anything with both feet in. I have for a long time been standing on the sidelines always outside of the group, I was a loner during my upbringing and still to this day prefer to be alone, even within my relationships I prefer and feel more comfortable with plenty of alone time.

Why this is maybe has to do with a few points but looking back I can see where there started to be a break in the way that I started viewing people.

My mother was very heavy with the emphasis of love when I was a child and when I would interact with other kids growing up I can see now how I started viewing them as bad, wrong, scary, etc, and avoiding them. I had a few incidents with bullying growing up and from there just stuck to the fringe mainly mistrusting of most. I suppose that I would interact with others but did not really socialize with other beings except a few close friends. I would never get involved with anything social, parties events nothing I was more of a reader and would stick to reading at home other then when I went skateboarding. Even as I grew older and skated more and more I would stay to myself and rarely interact within the group of skaters.

Anyways some backstory there but bringing it back on point where I in my present manifestation have really grown accustom to the fringe, being a loner, not committing to ever stand with any one group for long, and running from the idea of becoming visible in my life.

So coming to Desteni, I have found quite challenging from the perspective that I am coming up against quite a different take on the whole thing where again I start seeing myself on the fringe for different reasons this time. Through-out my life I have wanting to fit in, well perhaps not fit in but have others fit me really. I was very much influence by my mother and held a lot of love ideals and saw things in ways of how they should be and not how they are/where and from there saw everyone as being in the wrong. So now coming to Desteni and seeing and realizing that this really is all on me to be able to change myself and realign myself back to equality and oneness was quite a shock, I am not in the right and have never been, in fact I have always been the one that has been limiting myself this whole time. All of it being unnecessary.

So from there I have had this tendency to flip on a switch within the Desteni group and make it seem like I am contributing, and taking a interest only in a bid to gain a place within the group, this has been part of the attitude that I have been taking in this journey in the past. So what would be a point of self support within that instead of looking for attention and acceptance from a group, that I see as being worthwhile to be a part of? The same point keeps coming to the surface which at this stage is quite obvious. Self. Really this all comes down to who am I within my journey. Where can I find the best support for myself within the group and how can I best apply myself for me within what has already been expressed within the group of Desteni. What is relevant to the present, and stop the feeling like I am missing out on something because I have not been applying the tools for so long or visited the farm or have not met Bernard. This if I can say that I have learned anything from this is about self, and the realizations that I can procure from me.

So sticking to a commitment to self has to do with the point of determination within my current path it seems so seeing what the message of Desteni actually is would define and clarify that point. Oneness, equality, treating others as I would like to be treated, standing up for life in such a way where everyone and everything is respected. Those are great and fundamental points to align to so taking the first step I can see is really getting my bearings finding the point within myself where I can stand within a point of determination of reaching those points for and as myself, learning to stand regardless of whatever else is going on and not fail and falter at the smallest of waves coming through my experience.

I see how this longing to bring myself off the sidelines and participate more is really nothing more then a self dishonesty and a unwillingness to move myself past the self limiting view of myself and my daily experience. What is really stopping me from learning and expressing myself within the Desteni group but my own fears of mistakes and rejections, feelings of inadequacy and a desire to just remain alone in my own world separate and isolated. Well I commit myself to stop this system and move forward continuously gaining momentum within how I apply myself within my process and see the point of determination of aligning myself to equality and oneness so we may never live in limitation such as what I and we have for ages already. I commit myself to this purification of my mind and the dissolving of the ego in myself and of the world in this one life.

Ok self forgiveness and more commitment statements tomorrow.

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