168. The fringe forgiveness.

 

Ok so here I will apply some self forgiveness into the point of facing my hesitation in becoming more involved within the Desteni group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the first and foremost point within my process is to investigate my own points and stand up within me facing my mind in my own acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to not see how at the same time I am able to utilize the group for support within my process as well as sharing support for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fearful of really getting involved because I do not want to take risks in a place where before I have been reliant on feedback, not trusting myself within my own ability to figure out me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my past to limit my present experience of myself where growing up with little social communication and interaction has conditioned me to being alone and staying away from groups.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow bullying to affect me in such a way in which I have become distrusting of groups because I am afraid of being ridiculed by the cool kids essentially.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to this brainwashing that I am good and others are bad though avoiding others and never really making any real connections as I was always nervous like I did not want to be like others as I might become bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my connections with others to playing with them but never really forming a real commitment to them as one and equal with myself essentially using them to generate good feelings for myself through play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay on this fringe of people and groups my who life continuing up to this day where I still have trouble finding self honesty within my relationships with people and groups.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my avoidance to be masked within the search for self and not realize that what I have been doing is really just looking out for myself from the perspective of taking what I want and fuck the rest, never really stepping up to find out who people actually are where they are coming from, basically just having time for others and contributing back what I have taking.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give as I would like to receive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to fit in with the groups but never really see myself as being able to, and make up excuses why I am not good enough.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how this desire to fit in is actually just a reaction to a point of lack within my life, mainly the type of relationships that I had within my family where I became quite confused with how my family shaped itself and who care about who/what within that first group in my life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that this whole time this has been me and my choice to live a life of courage and openness or to live holed up within my thoughts, emotions, feelings, judgements and allow myself to be enslaved within them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always blame what is external from myself for all the turmoil, frustration, aloneness in my life and never really seeing how this is actually something I can control all along.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself the victim always within my situations, finding excuses always for why it is not my fault that I am the way that I am and never really looking into it as something that can change within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never test myself within getting involved within any kind of group instead always choosing to stand alone in a situation and in time making this the standard living procedure for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while blame the external world for the problems that I have internalize the issues into myself and never really discuss it with anyone, instead just burying my problems/judgements of the times.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never stop anytime in my life to really examine who I and what I am capable of, instead just brushing it off to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point of how I am stunting my own growth by continuing down this same trend and by just accepting and allowing people to bring up points of fear of acceptance and judgement from a group setting.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand what is actually at stake here where a point of focus through a determined point of finding and accepting self as oneness and equality is the real key to change in this world and that this will be the main point in bringing about oneness and quality forevermore and not actually reflect my own fears anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never really stand within and as the desteni group to place myself in a position of real vulnerability to show myself that I am able to be unfearful and trusting of others as well as allowing others to build trust with me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that this point of building trust will take time and that this is where my process of self comes in and the writing comes in which will show that I am able to be trusted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone my process of self realization until I am ok within the feelings of acceptance within the group before I am willing myself to accept me as a self movement and expression for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my own personal experiences as being more important the point of returning myself to place of self honesty and equilibrium with life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself into thinking that this process can custom fit to me in the sense that I should not realize that I must align me to the principles of equality and oneness and instead  based this process around the idea that it should fit me, and not seeing that this is really only a mind created ideal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to understand that this will not wait for me and that the longer that I wait to make myself vulnerable and available is the longer the process will be for everyone and increasing the time and effort that is needed for all to exist as a real expression of life and not a limitation of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to falter at each step believing that this goes against everything that I define myself by instead of applying myself within a life of principle despite the external condition of my world.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the effort that is require to walk this and that it will be a challenge which will call on me to let go of everything including my preferences to remain alone and safe within my own mind created safety bubble.

I will continue with self corrective statements tomorrow.

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One thought on “168. The fringe forgiveness.

  1. cool – so it’s not about one’s involvement with a ‘group’, it’s about one’s involvement with oneself and one’s creation, as that will determine who one is and will be in any group – obviously the desteni group does challenge one, so it’s always cool to reflect any reactions or points that come-up back to self, where one can find/see eg. unconscious fears or self-definitions and beliefs one had subscribed to and investigate them — then things can be directed from ‘how do i fit in’ and ‘who am i because of the group’ (which would be the definition of being a follower) to a self-honest consideration/decision of What do I stand for and are the principles of a group in alignment with me and what’s best for all and if so, How can I contribute because it’s who I am as my own will, awareness, and directive.

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