So throughout the last few posts I have see a shift from the old understanding of myself to a new one where I realize that this judgement of myself as being outside of the/a group has been only really a misdirection of self and that actually what is really relevant to me is the who am I of the situation. How am I able to live and direct me as a expression of myself here as life through all of my tribulations and trials. And within that realizing that Desteni group itself is based within individuals only sharing their experience of coming back to a state of equilibrium with ones mind. That there actually is no “leader” per say but opening up to the understanding that I as we must become my/our own leaders here in life. Must stop the self judgements of seeing myself as being less then others in the group not being worthy of inclusion when in fact the inclusion is a sense of self centered here in the breathe of each moment.
So when and as I see myself living off in the past experiences of my childhood where I started to view and live by this code of acceptance into a group meant that I would start judging myself as inferior, I stop myself and breathe and see how this system has penetrated all the way into the present experience of myself where I am still looking at the “cool kids” with envy and excluding myself from the experience of sharing me.
I commit myself to stop looking at this from perspective that I need to impress or appease anyone else within my process other then myself as at the end of the day this is really about being SELF honest and how I relate and speak to me, what are the words and definitions that I live by each moment.
I commit myself to start living each day with a tenacity of self, knowing that I am my own leader and director in this process walking myself back to life.
I commit myself to stop the comparisons that I am having with myself against other beings in thinking that I am not enough, that I am not able to stand for myself, speak for myself, understand enough or am proficient in my words enough to actually move myself within my own life.
I commit myself to stop the inferiority system that are running complacently from my childhood where I can see have really not bearing on who I am today and really only exist within a habitual way of existing in my world, and within this realizing that I am actually the one that is able to direct me here in each moment and not be subjected by and with my own mind.
I commit myself to the understanding that I am the one in the drivers seat and that I am not able to effectively steer myself free from my mind without letting go of this childhood sense of exclusion.
When and as I see myself moving in this automated fashion to belong in a group, I stop myself and breathe, and coming to realize that the sense of belonging that I seek in a group mentality and placement is really only a desire of lack within myself where I have never given myself the chance to belong to myself, and have always outsourced my sense of belonging to the mind as it outsources that to some sub culture ideals out there somewhere.
I commit myself to stop the self definition of wanting to belong as the idea of belonging is really based within the polarity aspect of not being accepted, good enough, or smart enough to be a part of the group in question but really in those situations it is me that is defining myself as these point within myself before even fully stepping up to the place to really see for myself if I am able to be accepted by me and belong to myself in self honesty and walk back to a place of integrity within me.
When and as I see myself placing myself apart from others because of a ingrained sense of superiority within me from the perspective that I THINK I am more knowledgeable, wise, quick-witted, right, etc than a particular being or group and from there go into a idea that it is not even worth my time to even trying to become involved, not realizing the whole time that this is really a judgement system running within me and that I am actually having a reactionary experience of fearing myself to be inferior.
I commit myself to stop the superiority complexes that run through me on auto-pilot when faced with certain group situations, meeting new people, doing things publicly. And I commit myself to see that viewing another as less then myself in any way is really only a illusion that occurs in the ego mind and that I have the ability to live one and equal with any being, in fact all life, and that any sort of mind; thoughts, feelings, are actually able to be changed through taking self responsibility.
When and as I see myself viewing the Desteni group as something that I must achieve to the standard of to become a part of that group and really change the world, I stop myself and breathe and from there make the realization that the real point here is to not just be in the Desteni group and everything will be dandy, but I commit myself to the reality that it really started here with me and that the hesitation that I experience in really becoming involved in the Desteni group it nothing more then a unwillingness to really become involved with myself.
I commit myself to stop living in such a way were this manifests into a experience that is very isolated experience, where I have believed for so long that being alone is really the only answer to my problems and not seeing that this is really a point of becoming comfortable within me in sharing myself unconditionally, where the focus point always remains the same which is living within equality and oneness here in all moments.
I commit myself to walk this journey one day at a time and understanding that this will take great courage, effort, honesty, stamina, and great patience because it will take time and I commit to the fact that this will take time because I must be able to walk this path over the course of years and remain as stable as possible until finally I have walked out enough points through writing and say forgiveness that having faith in myself will be a natural setting for me from now on.
I commit myself to make these points real by walking myself back into a place of self reliance and self creation so that I am can then express myself without bias or censoring my expression within any group and committing to point of not being afraid to voice myself when appropriate just because I am fearful of becoming rejected and thrown out or something.
What has become clear is that none of this really has to do with anyone except me, the next move is always on me, and yes the example that has been set within the Desteni group is a challenge but it is one that actually allows me to truly experience myself as a actuality of me for the first time ever, and in self honesty I have to ask myself is that worth it? Is 7 years worth a lifetime of trust in myself? Am I willing to do what is best for me, and at the same time recognize that what is best for all is best for me, and thus to become a advocate for life? Yes to all. I commit myself to this journey and all of the challenges that it brings, recognizing that with time I will be able to walk more easily and swiftly, I will gain trust in myself and leave a old me behind and bring in a new me that is a real reflection of who I am equal and one. I commit myself to see that with the walking of this process for myself that I will do what is best at all times and this will be made apparent in how I choose to share and express, and that this is really the point of the Desteni group, to live as example rather then desire.
Thanks thats all for tonight.