Ok so here I am going to open up a point about Marijuana.
So here in Vancouver recently we have had a particular political figure come back after being in US prison for years now, I’m sure many people have heard of who I am talking about. I have been hearing a lot about it/him over the radio and in the newspapers over the past couple of weeks/month leading up to his return and with it much new gossip/debate on the legitimacy of weed in our society. It’s medicine not a drug, its medicine. Without getting to deep into the backstory there is basically this point of Marijuana becoming decriminalized and possibly legalized here in Canada. Which while is more beneficial then classifying all weed users as criminals, the point of self honesty within drug use remains the same.
What I can see at this point regarding the politics of it all is that it strikes a cord in the timing of it all, where there is much going on in the world yet there is a push to make marijuana another revenue base and method of social control through manufacturing apathy within the mass population.
My experience with pot was a fairly long one and pretty intense at times, I nearly broke my neck once from blacking out after smoking a bong and falling off a chair. I feared for my sanity after a particularly close round in a bout with paranoid psychosis while on vacation in Amsterdam. And not such drastic points either, the main thing that I noticed about my relationship with weed is the lockdown of certain traits and emotions within me. Much self judgements and points of beating down on myself over the years I recognize where the direct result of accepting and allowing myself to become trapped within a cycle of addictive behavior in which weed would play a central role in keeping me the same always. Never actually able to stand for anything other then mind created outrage at the world around me.
It’s interesting because after I defined myself by this drug addiction for so long, letting go and stopping was like one of the hardest points for me to face. It’s like your missing something, when one has become so used to it its like there is no other way. But looking back really what the point of missing is, is that I miss not having to take responsibility, why care when I can just get high and feel better, or forget. I would smoke and “educate” myself with documentaries and conspiracies, and eventually Desteni material as well, hearing the words but never walking it for myself, agreeing with others but not willing to really find out first hand, but the main difference that I have noticed since I stopped using weed is a gradual but somewhat steady movement of myself in self expression, instead of just sitting back and watching, a silent participant. I would not do anything… about anything when I smoked in terms of any sort of practical application of a solution. In fact there was much of a experience of the opposite where I would avoid and procrastinate continuously in some cases digging holes and forming consequences. I was upset and still am upset at times. Upset with my life, it was, and is unsatisfactory to me on some level still. Weed was the answer, still at times I miss the escape. I miss hiding from myself, not worrying about if I am being honest with me, not even considering it. Not looking at who am I. Its quite amazing at the level of self deception that I have place on myself through my life.
So seeing this within me, seeing this falseness of me, some alter twin of myself who does not want to face me in my acceptances, allowances, and avoidances. Seeing this, the solution lies within the question, is this really me? Is this all I am capable of and am?
No, I realize over the past while that despite what my mind is telling me, I am able to stop myself, stop the systems of addiction and abdication, to step up and stand up to myself and walk, I am able, it just calls on me to redefine this gift of will within me, to change myself from a personality that desires the free will to live without consequence and to instead live a life where I recognize and consider the actual point of will which is to will myself in each moment to do what is best for all by doing what is best for me. Stop fooling myself in things that are of no use for me anymore. Recognizing that the desire to get high is really only a desire to not really get to know who I am as life, to not accept and allow myself to be who I really am. To stop living in memories of how great it was and fun it was to be high back in the day and just be here in breathe and be ok with myself here in this moment satisfied with myself being equal and one with everything not requiring myself to feel the need to be something more within a altered state, not requiring myself to be me-die-cated because I view me as being sick. Sick of life, sick of here, sick of now, sick of understanding and trusting myself as a point of strength within me in everything that I do.
So as I see the world changing around me where I can see how others have/are being lead in such a way where they stand for the right to escapism, I stop myself and breathe, and seeing how I am really no different then they, yet this is a place where I have come from within my own experience and see the self deception involved within those systems, I breathe and stop the judgment that comes up when I see this as something in society that other place value in and realize that I cannot do anything at this stage to change others into seeing this point for themselves. I instead commit myself to working within the real point that I am able to change which is me. I commit myself walk this point through so I can stand within certainty of myself for myself on why and what I have changed myself for within this point of doing drugs and all my other addictive behaviour. I commit myself to begin the process of standing absolute within myself and walk forward so I may become a example of my own integrity in this one life.
Ok self forgiveness on this and more coming tomorrow.