172. Princes in lalaland. Part 2.

 

Jumping right in from yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to smoke weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to smoke weed because I am unsatisfied with my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of inferiority to external forces in which I confirm with the use of weed to make myself and my experience tolerable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never realize how smoking weed has always been about a point of making myself feel better and never really about much else then that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cover up this point with all manner of excuses ranging from socio political, to preferential, to medicinal, all of which have been shown to be the back seat reasons when explored in self honesty which is that I just do not want to face me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never take myself on seriously when I would smoke weed because it was a cover up to deal with pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing experiences within my life to dictate to me how I would live my life and choosing to hide rather then be here, living within a way that would promote self-honesty within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame on others for my own choices to smoke weed and allowed another’s to become a point of definition within my own habits and addictions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing others actions to stimulate and generate stress within me and from there I give into this cycle of avoidance within the habit of smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think that because I have a fine/ok/fun experience on weed that I am that way (ok/fine) and not realizing that those positive experiences on weed are actually not real and are really a reactionary experience in direct contrast to negative experiences within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to this experience with no critical investigation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that I am able to stand up within myself and really have a look at where this comes from, what started in and in what perspective the entire addiction begin with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that drugs are bad evil and within my youth considered those that used drugs to be of a evil nature. And from there started fostering hatred and distain for many of my peers and family from a early ages.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my first experiences with weed to have been in spite of others to some how prove them wrong, and not stopping to get a grip on myself within my life at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt for how I behaved back then in such that I felt/feel as if I am going back and stepping on myself from wayyy back then.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that the guilt that I am experience is actually a form of latent desire where it still eats away at me looking to keep me the same and to ensure the survival of that system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let go of the anger induced dispare that started the addiction in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself now to relive this anger and instead of becoming directive within how to handle this in my own life I instead push that out in/on society and find excuses to blame others for my own self of self lack, like asking why others do not have to take self responsibility and why do I have to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I in fact do not have to take self responsibility, as this is my choice of what to do in my life as will, but to not see how this really just comes down to asking myself if this is who I really am, is that all?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the effects of ignoring myself as what I am capable to do, achieve, express within myself if I am able to stabilize me in my world, and not seeing how living here and now drug free is actually supportive as which is best for all, while the support of the drug industry with is steeped in greed, corruption, murder, exploitation, torture, etc, are actually a result of the mystique of not taking responsibility of oneself in relation to how one is using drugs and why.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in separation and judgment now of how I view pot smokers, in which I feel superior for having faced myself within the addiction and casting doubt on anything they have to say because I am comparing to the old me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at the same time to feel envy because I “feel” they able to slide through without any effort on the part of asking 
and real questions about themselves, and facing themselves, and for not seeing how within this point I am actually the one that is deceiving myself into thinking that it is relevant where others are at instead of focusing where I am at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within this process of writing to be going no where, and thus start missing the times where I would not have to consider self honesty and responsibility to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find that the process of walking myself back to life is dull, instead of seeing how this is really taking me back to a place where I am able to live my life to its upmost potential and that this is really the only thing worthwhile to do within my life because first walking myself out of the mind may have profound implications in how I conduct myself in every situation, making a choice of separation and equality and oneness as life as here.

Ok I will write some more tomorrow.

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