173. Princes in lalaland. Part 3: The feeling.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as is I want to escape the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into that feeling allowing it to reign over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reveal in the memory of how it feels to be on pot and only ever based my experience within my life as one that is solely within feelings, and how I am feeling in that moment rather then a experience that is based within practicality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see why this exist is the unwillingness to look at what is here and accept that as who I am really, instead always looking for something to make me feel better then what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be completely absorbed in feeling that I do not actually even notice that I am not here, that I am not existing here as this present moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not
 see how all of my choices in life have been based within a feeling/emotion dicotomy and that I have not actually every stood up within myself for any length of time that is worthy as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only ever consider standing up for life within a feeling based view, not stopping to realize that this kind of “wanting to change”/”thinking about changing” is all in the mind and is useless if it is not applied practically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way for me to become engaged within myself is if I am enhancing my experience in some way to make it feel like I am living up to that desire to change, which really is quite ludicrous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the beginning of this point of addiction was based within feelings of anger, spite, and despair, and in turn became the ideal vessel of avoidance for me to hide within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this scenario of seeing a situation that I react to and then just hiding within a drug has been the theme of my experience since I began smoking weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am unable to transcend my moments of stress to the point where I do not actually feel the need to escape, and where I am able to stand within self confidence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my experiences in the past have such power over me that I would need to consume larger and larger amounts of a drug to just FEEL normal, like normal in the perspective of not feeling depressed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing relationships to be the main trigger for this in the past where a “break-up”, or a altercation with someone would give me an excuse to throw myself in a depression for months on end to the point where I would just use harder drugs to “remember” what it was to feel happy and normal again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the idea of happiness and therein allow my experience to become ruled within the pursuit of such happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that happiness is something that exists outside of the mind experience of it, where I have certain criteria that must be met within my experience and then I am happy, not seeing how that this form of self engineering cannot and has not been shown to be able to be sustained, and thus proves that this is a mind experience and cannot be trusted here as the actual expression as life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this model to infect me on every level and control me within a hundred different addictions, where I am constantly looking to manufacture a feeling within myself and am not able to just be satisfied with the present moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within this model as being helpless to these addictions in which I am not able to actually live any other way then what I have preprogrammed myself to live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than the feelings that I would attain through the use of drugs, never stopping to realize what this point actually represents which is saying that I am really unable to maintain any sense of self intimacy to the point where I do not actually ever want to get to know myself at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become totally just convinced it is just easier to give in rather then to find out who I could actually become in the future.

Ok I will call it a night since I am having some difficulty keeping my eyes open. I will continue with more in the next post.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s