So something that came up today in relation to this topic is that there is a consistent program/theme that runs through me quite a lot, which is that point of giving up, giving in. I notice though that the experience of that point is not as intense or as all encompassing as how it used to be when I would constantly smoke.
So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistently give up on myself when smoking weed from the perspective that weed is a easy way to commit myself to do nothing and still feel ok about that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this experience is was really based within a distain and hatred for the system and how I see myself within the system and therefore resorted to a fuck it all attitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing the point of standing for something within that position and covered up the actuality that if I am taking a “fuck it all” attitude that I am only a contributor to the system that I am rejecting in the first place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never give myself to the chance to really see who I am within this point of just saying fuck it all and not seeing how this is a way for me to never really take responsibility within my own life and what I can do instead of fucking around and fucking of inside my own mind in avoidance and preoccupation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry to the point of hatred towards the system where I do not actually see things with any kind of common sense and I actually just give up because it is easier then sorting through the mess that I have accepted and allowing to become me as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the potential of channelling this force of anger as a point of leverage to move myself within this world and change myself instead I suppress it within me through things like addiction and exhaustion of my physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself as the physical body as a point of dealing with mental stress that actually is only really taking place within my mind, and from there constantly creating a arena for myself to do battle within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always place myself in a position of lesser awareness when it comes to participation in use of drugs and addiction rather then a position of use of substances from a point of understanding of myself therein and therefor never seeing even a starting point of the who I am within this use.
I forgive myself for accepting myself as a user rather then a point of complete awareness of myself in these activity to eventually understand me and stop myself in the realization that these addictions are not me as what is best for me and from there realize that I am not standing as the full potential of who I am capable of being as me here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that if I am just able to fight the mental addictions into submission that will be all that it will take instead of seeing the systems that are playing a part in the background manifesting the addiction in the first place which is primarily of self hate, self dishonesty and lack of self dedication.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never stop myself within the moment of giving in and in saying fuck it to everything to see what is the real point of stopping myself within my addiction which is to create a platform within myself of self trust so I can become the absolute best being that I am capable of being so I am able to live a life the represents life here as the real expression of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself to the degree that I always remain trapped within the cycles and time loops of addiction where it constantly re-enacts itself over and over and the problem continues to consistently compound, and not coming to the understanding that this will always continue to exist until the physical consequence is to much to bear and I reach another fuck it point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never give myself the self care enough to realize that I have the ability to deal with this scenario within myself and from there continue to beat down on myself in such a way where I never take the full response ability and instead always blame the world around me for why I keep falling.
I forgive myself for not realizing the pattern itself is always the same principle showing itself in different trigger situations and that it will not always appear to be the same experience and that not matter how the point of self doubt within the desire to take the fuck it all drug comes up and presents itself the principle of making a choice of will to direct myself within what is best or to fall within a self pity point of not trusting me within my response ability remains the same, it is a choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within the feeling that my addictions are to big to take on and that it is a reality of impossibility that I am facing rather then stepping up and just standing no matter the result, and even though I have fallen so many times in the past to trust myself in walking in this moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of falling back into a experience of “fuck it all” to prevent me in the present expression of who I am now in this moment to direct me rather then really coming into my own as a being who is willing and able to become courageous within my life in a moment to moment self movement of me here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the simplicity of this point in it requires very little effort once the decision to face myself is made and that fear itself is really the only obstacle that is preventing me from experiencing myself in a way that is measurably different then how I have always previously done so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fool myself into thinking the mind as my addictions and self doubts are in some way superior to life in the ability of being able to most easily align myself with, all the while not realizing that that life has always been here and that it is the acceptance of this belief that has made the self alignment a point of difficulty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the naturalness of the flow of life within reality because I have never been able to allow myself the will to apply the tools to re-examine me.
Continuing with corrective statements in the next post.